Tags
abstinence, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, disney land, PTSD, sobriety, space mountain, terror, trauma
(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.
So…. About Space Mountain.
For those of you who don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. Space Mountain is a carnival ride at Disney Land in California, USA. It’s a roller coaster ride through pitch blackness. It’s so black on this ride that you literally can’t see your hand in front of your face no matter how long you stare at it, no matter how many times you blink your eyes, or how hard you try. There’s not one stitch of light in the whole place. It’s a very, very bizarre ride, and it’s absolutely terrifying. You get pitched forward and back, left and right. At some points you’ll be going straight up north, then suddenly you’re twisted and headed, lightening speed… straight down. You feel like your life is in dire peril the whole time while being completely at the mercy of menacingly gigantic and powerful outside forces you have absolutely no control over. All you can do is hang on, scream for all you’re worth, and pray to make it through alive.
Well I want to parallel the way my life has been, both drinking and sober, with that ride on Space Mountain. I’ve hung onto sobriety, screaming helpless for my life in the pitch black, and prayed for all I was worth, to make it through alive.
I don’t want to jink this but… I think I might finally be seeing a little daylight. I’m not sure yet. This may only just be a short respite in the ride. But (dare I hope?) I think I can make out just a little bit of light. I don’t know for sure yet, but… maybe? I’m praying.
The next post in this series is here: Could It Really Be True? Am I Beginning to See the End of the Ride?
(to go back to: “More Problems… Damn It: click HERE )
Climbing Out Of The Well 
I’ve often compared my first six years of sobriety to the Space Moutain ride, never knowing which way I’d be jolted next. I finally had enough! This will sound so AA cliche, but I was willing to do what whatever it took to no longer live a life like this.
Sounding even more AA cliche, I got a sponsor, worked the Steps and started giving back by working with other alcoholics. Everything changed. No more depression, anxiety, self-loathing and not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have a new found freedom and happiness with a lot of joy in my life.
My sponsor told me that he saw no connection between my abusive past and my alcoholism. He said that my nine years of therapy didn’t solve my alcoholic thinking. Said that Psychology is the study of human behavior and AA is the study of your behavior. Pyschology wants you to change your thinking. AA wants you to act your way into better thinking. It worked for me.
At first I wish I had worked the Program earlier in Sobriety. But I’ve come to believe that I just wasn’t ready. Ready for the big surrender. I was still placing myself first in everything. I’m working the Program as it’s designed and that has made all the difference for me.
All the victim stuff has fallen aside. I now know that by helping others (not just AAers) and putting others first, my harboring, or protecting these wounds of a bipolar diagnosis, depression, anxiety et al. has lost its significance in my life.
I hope that you’re able to find what works for you. I know that the flip side is a living hell.
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How long are you sober?
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Seven years.
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Do you remember your childhood and teen years as basically good ones or not so good?
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