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Climbing Out Of The Well

~ Life of a Recovering Alcoholic, Food Addict, Schizoaffective, Child Abuse Survivor, Christian

Climbing Out Of The Well

Category Archives: About Addiction

On Whether or Not to Have Children

10 Friday May 2019

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Marriage, mental illness, parenting, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm learning about relationships

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Tags

adultry, birth control, child abuse, Children, daycare, divorce, having children, marriage problems, mental health services, reproduction, sex, ted talk, teen sex, teen suicide

I watched a Ted Talk on why people should have children.
https://www.ted.com/talks/wajahat_ali_the_case_for_having_kids?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2019-05-09

Well I disagree with this vehemently. And here’s why.

Continue reading →

I Don’t Feel Safe in AA

05 Sunday May 2019

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, From My Journal, mental illness, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm learning about relationships

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AA, AA meetings, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, conversation, fear, relationships

Jerry got me to go to the Saturday noon AA meeting. I shared that I didn’t feel safe in AA because my growth has been so slow – that I was just beginning to explore my ACA issues. I tried to be honest and Cheryl caught up on that but she didn’t approach me after the meeting. No one did. No one ever does no matter how I share. Whether I say things like I know it all, or I sound utterly incompetent, no one ever comes up to me after a meeting. After a while it starts to get to a person. All the rejection. I can’t face it and I can’t talk about it in a meeting. This is the one thing I can’t talk about – how I feel so rejected in AA. I ‘talked’ to Gordon after the meeting. I wanted to address him telling Jerry and me that he was afraid of his father. I thought I might be able to interest him in ACA (Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families), but the conversation went nowhere and he ‘politely’ stepped away from me. It was all very uncomfortable. I’m not going back to mixed AA meetings. If there’s going to be any AA in my life at all it will be with women only.

Monday – 4-2-18

04 Wednesday Apr 2018

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Anything Else, Child Abuse Trauma, Day to day life, From My Journal, Marriage, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm learning in Al Anon

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12-step, Al Anon, being human, exercise, fights, journal, journaling, Marriage, meditation, progress not perfection, PTSD, taking directions, treadmill

I made a little progress with Jerry today. Even the smallest thing triggers both of our PTSD issues. Then we have to fight each other. Well tonight I managed to do something different. I was on the treadmill late. 8 pm – 10 pm. Apparently this didn’t sit well with him and he came into the exercise room and gave me the evil eye. Then he SLAMMED the door shut. I just kept walking and didn’t ‘rise’. When I was done, I came to him in bed and very gently asked; “Why did you slam the door?” He said that I was doing my walking too late and that the TV, which is next to our bedroom, was keeping him awake. So I told him I’d try not to get on the treadmill so late. He said sarcastically; “Try!!??” I didn’t say anything back. The truth of the matter is, I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again. I’m human. All I can do is try.

                                                                                                                       

For 38 years in 12 Step Program I have been unable to keep up a meditation routine. Today I finally took my sponsor’s direction about meditating. I sat on my loveseat for 5 minutes and not a second longer. I have to find out why I can’t do it after all these years of trying. Now I’m finally ready to take direction!!

Tuesday – 4-3-2018

04 Wednesday Apr 2018

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Anything Else, Day to day life, From My Journal, What I'm Learning About Life

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AA, abuse, Alano club, friendship, journal, money, relationships, users

Today was an ‘interesting’ day. I just got blown over by an AA ‘friend’, a lively girl named Terrena. I had only been befriending her for a month or so when something came up. She was living in a motel situation and was trying to get a studio apartment. But – low and behold – she was short $275. You can guess the rest I think.

Well I forked up the money for her to get it.

Stupid me. I fell for the oldest trick in the book. She came off as a friend but all she turned out to be was a user. Today we were supposed to get together. She had just gotten paid and told me that when we hooked up, she’d pay me $100 of the $275. Then a funny thing happened. Right in the middle of our phone conversation we got disconnected. But the truth is I think she hung up on me. I tried to call her back about 5 – 6 times but no answer. She didn’t call me back either. She just disappeared of the face of the earth. I was supposed to pick her up for an AA meeting that we always went to. I went to her apartment but she wasn’t there or she didn’t answer the door . It’s all so frustrating!

Did she die? Have a heart attack right in he middle of our phone conversation? That’s a possibility – but I seriously doubt it. She’s only in her mid 50’s.

So there. She’s gone. A stupid AA user. As a general rule, AA people – especially those that frequent Alano clubs – are pathetic and abusive. I don’t have any AA friends. The only reason we were ‘friends’ was because my husband foisted her on me because she was new to the AA scene (she had however 10 years sober). She told him she was bipolar (I’m schizo-effective) so he threw her my way. I swear, if he tries to hook me up with anyone else in AA, I’ll sock him one.

           

I went to my usual Al Anon meeting after the AA meeting. The topic was Step 4 (made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). I got to sit next to my sponsor Cheryl which was nice after the episode with Terrena. One of the women shared about the slogan; “You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. And you can’t cure it.” This is about the alcoholic. But it hit me in the heart about my senior that I have been visiting for the past year. We hit a snag and she went on a starvation kick – I think to get back at me. I have been feeling so guilty about that and I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling until the woman shared this slogan. Something broke inside. I fully and finally accepted this slogan as if it applied to her crazy behavior even though she doesn’t have alcoholism. Her reaction to me was HER CHOICE! and not because of what I had done. All I did was tell her I couldn’t come see her that week. Now she’s in the hospital dying from starvation. The last time I saw her, she looked like a skeleton with skin on. They put her on palliative care. I stopped dropping by because I couldn’t bear to see her die like that. She’s 97 and in perfect health, and I wondered what she was going to die of. Now I know. Death by Stubbornness!!

What a Virgo.

I Escaped the Suicide Machine

06 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Day to day life, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences, What I know about God, What I'm Learning About Life

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alcoholism, Bible, birds, christianity, death, Faith, God, grief, inspiration, Mental health, religion, Suicide

I feed wild finches and over the last month or so I’ve been watching them die little by little.

Continue reading →

Have No Other Gods…..

10 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, What I know about God

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10 commandments, 1st commandment, Addictions, Bible, egypt, exodus, God, lord your god, no other gods, process addictions, slavery, substance addictions, worship

Exodus 20:1-3

And God spoke all these words:

“I am the Lord your God,

who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

“You shall have no other gods before me.

. Continue reading →

What It Was Like for Me As An Alcoholic

13 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Anything Else, Child Abuse Trauma, My Life Story

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abstinence, Addiction, adult children of alcoholics, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, destressing, emotional growth, Mental health, physiological conditions, stress, trauma

It was a very hard row to hoe for me to get sober. Very, very hard. I barely made it. It took everything I had to get and stay sober. Many times I almost lost this precious sobriety I hold so dear. Having alcoholism is horrible. It’s a horrible condition. It stunted my emotional and mental growth because of the way I metabolized it, I can only say this from the inside, I do not know what it’s like to be a non-alcoholic, but this is what I believe as an alcoholic.

Continue reading →

A Letter to My AA Friend Stewart

10 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, What I know about God, What I'm Learning About Life

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AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, class, friendship, God, god's gifts, marathons, presents, school, sober, sobriety

To my dear sober AA friend,
(excerpts from a letter I wrote to my friend Stewart)

While I was on vacation I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time sitting on the sand dunes where I read and did some writing. The writing started to pick up faster and faster until I was going at it at a furious pace. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I gathered together in words some of the things I’ve come across in my sober journey. In 30 years a lot of stuff’s come across my desk but most of it just whirls around in my head – there’s been no solidity. So I decided to try to create a holding place for some of this stuff. To get it more clear in my own mind and to share via paper with others if they care to know. This way I won’t be cornering them but at the same time get a small sense that I’m contributing.

Continue reading →

God is Such a Good God!

25 Friday Sep 2015

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Day to day life, Dialogues with God, My "No Addictions" Experiment, What I know about God, What I'm Learning About Life

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Addiction, christianity, compulsive overeating, exercise, food addiction, God, inspiration, Mental health, spirituality, weight, Weight loss, Weight Watchers

I’ve been free of flour/sugar products for over two years and cigarettes for over one and a half years and I haven’t lost any weight at all. It’s been very discouraging to say the least but I think the tide is finally turning regarding the weight. I think God finally had enough of my wining and stepped in to give me a little advice.

I had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago about losing this weight. It went something like this.

God: You know how to lose this weight dear.
Me: How?
God: You know how.
Me: No I don’t.
God: Yes you do. You’ve done it two times before the in exact same way with complete success.

EXERCISE !
Twenty minutes a day.

God: One time just before you moved to Santa Cruz. And one time while you were in Weight Watchers. It worked like a charm back then and there’s no reason why it won’t work again this time. So… if you really do want to lose this weight… why don’t you…

Get back on the ball.

Well I’ve been doing cardio-exercise (which is what I did before) on the elliptical machine twenty minutes a day since then.

I know I will lose the weight this way. God is right. If I want to lose the weight, I have to exercise. I’ve experienced losing the weight this way two times before. I really do want to lose the weight. Enough so that I don’t have any resentment about doing the exercise anymore. I used to have a big resentment at doing even ten minutes. I’ve always talked myself into this resentment by wining things like…

How come I have to exercise
to lose weight and
everyone else doesn’t.

But when God talked to me that day, I knew instantly what a load of crap that was. He put on my heart the reality that just about everyone who has a slim figure has to exercise… the same as I would if I wanted a slim figure too. Suddenly, doing twenty minutes a day on the elliptical is a piece of cake. Not only did He give me the information I needed to loose the weight, but He took all my resentment about doing the exercise, away too!

Robin

The Day I Was Freed from the Obsession to Drink

16 Sunday Aug 2015

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Spiritual Experiences

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12-step, alcholics anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, sobriety, spirituality, visions

It was a dark and stormy night….

No… really… It was a dark and stormy night. I was six years sober at the time. SIX YEARS SOBER AND I STILL HAD THE OBSESSION TO DRINK! YIKES!

Don’t ask my how I could have pulled that off. How can a drunk, who is drooling for a drink, not drink… for six years. Fear. That’s all I can say. Plain fear. Unadulterated fear. I’d had a vision of my life if I’d continued down the drinking path, and it wasn’t pretty. It was a horror movie. God showed me my future in living color six years before that, and I couldn’t deny the truth of that future if I continued to drink the way I was doing. And I couldn’t stop the drinking the way I was doing it. So I dragged myself to A.A. and they got me sober.

Continue reading →

How I Quit Smoking – Easily and Naturally

22 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, My "No Addictions" Experiment, What I'm Learning About Life

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Addiction, cigarettes, quit smoking naturally, quitting smoking, smoking, stop smoking, stop smoking naturally, stopping smoking, visualization

Among many, many ‘two groups of people’, this is one type….

Smokers & Non-Smokers.

The idea is to jump, for all your worth, from the one group (Smokers) into the other group (Non-Smokers). You need to do this deeply so that both feet are firmly planted into the Non-Smoking group of people.

And never look back again.

Continue reading →

Exercise -vs- Pigging Out

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Day to day life, My "No Addictions" Experiment, What I'm Learning About Life

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compulsive overeating, exercise, overeating, pigging out

I’ve been exercising on the elliptical for a month now. Twice a day for a total of an hour a day – and I can’t get enough of it.

(to read about how this started see this post:  HERE)

I was thinking about ways one tries to numb one’s emotions and how one ‘pays the bill’ for the different ways to numb.

Continue reading →

Suddenly I Can Meditate

04 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I'm Learning About Life

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12-step, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, God, inspiration, meditation, Mental health, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

Suddenly I find I can meditate! I’m doing it for an hour a day with almost no trouble at all. AA’s Step 11 (Sought through Prayer and Meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him) was absolutely impossible for me. It used to be, even at 34 years sober, that I couldn’t sit quietly for even a couple of minutes. The goolie and goblins would get me. Those goolies called:

You’re nothing but a piece of shit! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! No body wants you let alone loves you! Why don’t you just go away and die! (etc, etc, etc.)

Continue reading →

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

27 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Day to day life, Dialogues with God, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences

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abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –
Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

Continue reading →

What To Do With Sin-Trauma

24 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Dialogues with God, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences, What I know about God

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abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, sin, trauma, violence

When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …

Let us make man-kind
in our image.

God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …

For men are made
in God’s own image.

It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).

Continue reading →

Attachment to God? HELP!!

01 Monday Sep 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I know about God

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attachment disorder, childhood trauma, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, Genesis 1:26, God, PTSD, relationship, spiritul, trauma

What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?

I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.

Continue reading →

About This “Self-Soothing” Thing

29 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

child abuse, infant trauma, self-soothing, trauma shock

More on the ‘no addictions’ journey…

Well I’ve tried the ‘self-soothing’ thing many times before, and for many years. People have told me of it’s importance more than a few times in my life. But it never really took. Not really. I wanted to do it. It sounded like a great idea. But I only was able to do it by rote – robotic like. Needless to say, it didn’t help anything.

Continue reading →

An E-Mail I Sent to My Therapist

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, What I know about God

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

attachment disorder, child abuse, complex ptsd, PTSD, rad, trauma

I sent this e-mail to my therapist and I thought you might be interested in it too.

Please see the post:  HERE– to further understand what I’m talking about.

*  *  *

Dear Elizabeth,

About the attachment disorder thing. I was thinking on the way home about what I know about it from the inside. This is what came up.

Continue reading →

I Can’t Connect

20 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences, What I'm Learning About Life

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

AA, abstinence, abuse, Addiction, alcholism, anti-social, attachment disorder, Christian, christianity, connection, God, rad, surrender

I continue on in my quest as an addict into the world of no addictions.

It’s been officially a year now since I put the sugar down; six months since the cigarettes. I’m digging deep into my psyche. It started out with curiosity. I’ve been desperate to know… “Through practicing all these addictions, what the heck have I been running away from so hard?” Now it’s come to take on a life of it’s own. Here’s where I  now.

Continue reading →

Her

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, character defects, complex ptsd, exercise, Family, junk food, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, Theophostic, TPM

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

Continue reading →

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Spiritual Experiences, What I know about God

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abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

Continue reading →

Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

12 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

Continue reading →

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

07 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 1

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Self Hatred  )

As I’ve worked on this and worked on this, it’s feeling more and more ~book-length~ I think. I put a lot of effort into it in an attempt to make it as short and concise as possible. If you are a person experiencing life as one long test of endurance, I hope you decide to read the whole thing. My hope is that you’ll find it meaty, innovative, and exceedingly helpful in relieving your emotional pain and existential angst… thoroughly and forever. I mean it: … thoroughly… and… forever. This is what happened to me.

* * *

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 2

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 1  )

I’ve been doing a lot of extensive research on the destructive-type of Introject and discovered that I have an extremely destructive Introject of my father in me. What’s more, I have no positive Introjects in my childhood to balance out the forceful influence this crazed, destructive Introject wielded over me… None… I am an extreme example. I really should have died long ago; squashed flat under all my Introjects’ gigantically destructive weight.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 3

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 2  )

Besides dealing with the destructive Introject that was close to killing me, I am also a severe alcoholic. At 25 years old I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day, and though I tried with all my might, I could not stop. The very first hint of my process began when I surrendered myself to AA, 34 years ago. It was AA meetings and a ‘mother’ sponsor that actually gave me the ability to stop using the substance alcohol. For me, alcohol was my primary addiction. Although I have had to deal with a lot of other addictions and obsessions, I call alcohol my ‘primary’ because it was what I ran to first for soothing and for helping me feel better. Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 4

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 3  )

Page 58 of the A.A. “Big Book” * states…

There are those too,
who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders,
but many of them do recover,
if they have the capacity to be honest.

[* The main text used for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.]

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 5

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 4 Comments

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

The previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 4  )

There are a myriad of substances and obsessions people use in this world to soothe and comfort themselves. Some of these are particularly hard to label or put a finger on (for example: one’s children). I believe almost everyone of us on this planet runs to an earthly substance or obsession to help us cope with the problems we face. Not everyone, but I would say 95% of us.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 6

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 5)

I think it was about the timing. God’s timing. I guess He thought I was finally ready to go to the next level. For me, this has been a 34 year journey, but I’ve been stumbling around in completely darkness looking for an answer. I don’t believe other’s will have to take this long though, if they can follow the trail I have blazed here.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 7

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 6 )

But it took a bit of time to get there; from studying about them to being able to work with them. Happily however, I was aided by a blind-siding crisis. About nine months into the alcoholic-foods abstinence (the next addiction in line behind the alcohol) and six months off the cigarettes; a very dear friend of mine told me to… take a hike. Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 8

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 2 Comments

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 7  )

Through my reading about the Introject, I came to understand that positive Introjects arise from mature caretakers. However, the destructive type can sound like the voice of authority, but really, it is essentially immature as it arises from immature and frightened authorities who are by the way, are also tormented by their own destructive immature Introjects. This destructive Introject business is passed down through generations and through contact with almost all messed up people. In my own personal experience, I’ve found that the Introject entity can be extremely contagious.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 9

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 8  )

The best way I know of to handle this type of destructively loud, deceptively parent-like, but actually child-like Introject, is through the act of ‘soothing’ to calm it down from it’s frightened state. What’s more, because my main Introject is so strong that there are no other ~parts~ inside me strong enough to do the amount of powerful soothing necessary to keep it calmed down.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 10

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 9   )

It was a very small hole I had to squeeze through then, but now as I look back, I can see much more clearly the necessity of developing a relationship with a Loving God. Since then, I’ve analyzed this thoroughly, in a scientific way, so let me make my case to you before you close me out completely. This is not to proselytize! I’m not at all trying to make Christians out of you. We all deserve to give others the utmost respect for their religious and spiritual choices. Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 11

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 10   )

And, I believe most adults severely abused as children, are also in the same boat as I was when it came to the concept of Love.

Continue reading →

Putting It All Together – Part 12

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(The previous post in this series is here:   Putting It All Together – Part 11   )

I’m using this Spiritually-Connected-Adult (which I have been enlarging and developing through many unconditional, loving interactions with my Higher Power) in a relaxed, subliminal, low-level, ~get out of the way~ kind of meditation all day long. Whatever I’m doing… I’m at the same time (or between times, if you’re not a multi-tasker **) … keeping this Spiritually-Connected-Adult-Part of me secluded… out of the world’s view. This is a completely private process between me, my Introjects, and my God. No one else can in any way be involved.

Continue reading →

Self-Hatred

25 Sunday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, self-hate, self-hatred, spiritual

  (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

At last… a very short post!

Continue reading →

Feeling Life Naked; With No Addictive Substances or Obsessive Behaviors

24 Saturday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Addictions, child abuse, crisis, Family, friendship

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )

As I’m wading through this crisis (my good friend telling me to take a hike), I’m now utterly determined not to resort to any addictions or obsessions while experiencing the pain. I seem to be going through a lot of emotional metamorphoses. I’m both deep inside them and, at the same time, (as a scientific behaviorist) observing them from without. I know that the book on this journey though crisis without the use of addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, has just gotten started. Right now I’m roller-coasting at break neck speed.  Here is what I’ve been feeling so far.

*  *  *

Continue reading →

I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

21 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

Continue reading →

How to Get Deep Inner Healing for a Negative Emotion

21 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult-self, child self, Christ, Christian, christianity, conversation, God, spirituality, trust

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

This is to be done ~ A-La ~Theophostic~ Style:

You have to have an unconditionally-loving-adult-self to do this. If you aren’t sure you know what being unconditionally Loved feels like, then you most likely have never experienced it.

But that’s ok though.
I never had it, but I was able to get it.
So, so can you!!

Continue reading →

Exodus 20:2-4 – Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice

19 Monday May 2014

Posted by anonymousonetoo in About Addiction, Child Abuse Trauma, My "No Addictions" Experiment, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )
At the bottom of this post is a link to the next one.

*  *  *

Exodus 20:2-4…

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.

These are the verses I’m totally laser-focused on right now. I am doing my level best to live by them. Suddenly I can see their profound meaning for our current times – as clear… as… day. To put it mildly, the rewards for making God my main man, are astonishingly miraculous.

Please find…

Jeremiah 33:3

*  *  *

HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU RECOGNIZE IN YOURSELF?

Continue reading →

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Here are some of my posts

  • Have You Had a Visitation?
  • Why We’re Here
  • Everyone is a ‘Person of Color’
  • How to keep up with daily meditation
  • Matthew 9:4-6
  • A Wasted Life
  • How to Stop Suicide Obsession
  • How to Make Life More Meaningful
  • Why I Haven’t Been Able to Meditate
  • Coffee Grounds
  • It Aches
  • Legacy of the Heart
  • Nothing
  • Haiku
  • Why I Have Anxiety Around Everyone I Meet
  • A Hard Lesson to Learn – Let This Be a Warning
  • More – Dealing With My Angry Husband
  • A Motto I Don’t Want to Live By Anymore
  • Grow Up and Be a Man
  • It’s All About ‘Competency’!! (or is it?)
  • On Whether or Not to Have Children
  • Money Money Money
  • On Being a Reject
  • I Don’t Feel Safe in AA
  • Meditation Motivation
  • Learning ‘Socialization’ Language
  • Nancy Napier
  • On being an ‘outsider’
  • Finding meditation impossible
  • Rejection

Categories

  • About Addiction
  • Anything Else
  • Child Abuse Trauma
  • Day to day life
  • Dialogues with God
  • From My Journal
  • Marriage
  • mental illness
  • My "No Addictions" Experiment
  • My Life Story
  • My Testimony
  • parenting
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Songs & Books
  • Spiritual Experiences
  • What I know about God
  • What I'm Learning About Life
  • What I'm learning about relationships
  • What I'm learning in Al Anon
  • What I'm learning in therapy

Archives

  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2017
  • April 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • June 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • December 2013
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • April 2013

Blogs I Follow

  • My Blog / Website
  • Church Set Free
  • Jean's Writing
  • Sammy Holiday
  • I Am Begging My Mother Not To Read This Blog
  • #AskMyrtle
  • A WordPress Site
  • follow your nose
  • A Buick in the Land of Lexus
  • King of States!
  • Random Storyteller
  • PRINCESS KICK-ASS
  • Under Reconstruction
  • trudgingdestiny
  • thelightattheendofthetunnelsomewhere
  • thegirlwriting
  • The Girl With Words
  • DIDdispatches Blog
  • the anxiously depressed
  • Christian INTP
  • Susan Irene Fox
  • THE EDITOR'S JOURNAL
  • Wild Truth
  • The Aspirational Agnostic
  • lulufille
  • In My Father's House
  • Coming2Him
  • Heather Kopp
  • Isaiah 41 v 10
  • Highly Sensitive Matters

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

My Blog / Website

Church Set Free

Love is the answer - now what's your question?

Jean's Writing

Jean M. Cogdell, Author-Writing something worth reading, one word at a time in easy to swallow bite size portions.

Sammy Holiday

First-world probelms. Third-world country.

I Am Begging My Mother Not To Read This Blog

#AskMyrtle

A WordPress Site

follow your nose

it always knows

A Buick in the Land of Lexus

fresh hell trumps stale heaven

King of States!

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.

Random Storyteller

Poems, stories, and reflections

PRINCESS KICK-ASS

Jean-Luc Picard.

Under Reconstruction

Hope isn't an emotion, but a daily choice.

trudgingdestiny

It's about the journey not the destination

thelightattheendofthetunnelsomewhere

my healing journey

thegirlwriting

The Girl With Words

Typing what comes to my head...

DIDdispatches Blog

A personal perspective

the anxiously depressed

Learning to live my life with anxiety, depression, and self-harm (and other things).

Christian INTP

Growing towards God as an Introvert

Susan Irene Fox

Jesus follower, peacemaker, unfinished human

THE EDITOR'S JOURNAL

Wild Truth

Healing from Childhood Trauma

The Aspirational Agnostic

Searching for a God who's playing hard to get.

lulufille

if I were to blog my life, it'd go like this...

In My Father's House

"...that where I am you may be also." Jn.14:3

Coming2Him

In Your light we see light...

Heather Kopp

Words fail, but sometimes I try

Isaiah 41 v 10

a life redeemed from the pit

Highly Sensitive Matters

Concerning the lives of sensitives, narcissists, artists, ADDers, survivors of narcissism and abuse.

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