I Escaped the Suicide Machine

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, birds, christianity, death, Faith, God, grief, inspiration, Mental health, religion, Suicide

I feed wild finches and over the last month or so I’ve been watching them die little by little.

                                                                                                                                    

I’ve been grieving over the deaths of my beautiful birds and, though I feed them in trays on the ground, there’s dog shit around the area. Yesterday I realized that it’s probably been the dog shit that’s been killing them. They’ve had to tramp around in dog shit. I wept and screamed about it all the way home from a meeting I was at. When I got home I promptly picked up all their dishes in a tub so as not to spill any of the seed on the ground; brought them all in the house; washed them and put them outside on the other side of the yard where the dogs don’t shit. But it’s pretty much too late for the birds. Most of them are already dead. I’m so so so sad. It really really hurts.

I used to be very suicidal and this sort of thing could have very well been the catalyst to push me over the edge. It put me in that amount of grief. But today I’m no longer that way. I’m no longer on the suicidal merry-go-round. How did I get off that machine? I’m a suicidaholic and I don’t attempt suicide one day at a time… no matter what. With that attitude I’ve been forced to get better – or else suffer in great, great agony from my own torturous thoughts.

Since I didn’t try to take my life over this, here’s what happened next.

I talked to my friend Kathy about it and she said that she had a book on grieving pet loss now which she’s just starting to get into counselling about. She gave me a copy of the book to read and we’re going to get together to work on this. God has my back – as usual.

He’s coming through for me. He loves me and is taking care of my pain.

Thank you Pops.

(and God said)

I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten.

   Joel 2:25

I’ve had it hard for many years of my life but for a while now, actually since a couple of years after I put the suicide down, life’s been good to me for the most part. I have my up’s and down’s as most do but it’s nothing like it used to be.

In the midst of this heart-ache with the birds, today,  this is the sort of thing with my friend Kathy that I pay more attention to. God coming through for me in the form of her help.

I want to talk about the ‘torture’ I mentioned above. Ever since childhood I had developed a very bad habit of thinking. I would nurture all the bad aspects of life and pass over all the good. If it was bad it warranted much attention but if it was good it didn’t warrant even a second’s thought. I had a laser focus for nasty.

This business with the birds is an example of how ‘cherishing the good and passing over the bad’ works for me. I don’t ignore the bad. Grief has to be addressed and dealt with until it is healed. But I don’t cherish it or nurse it like I used to. However, learning this new way of thinking was a long slow journey of baby steps from out of the blackness into the light. One small step of ‘cherishing each good thing like it was a rare coin’ at a time. Today, it’s a habit running so deeply in me that it’s become a part of my personality. I am no longer a suicidaholic. Not in the leastest, tiniest, littlest bit. Today, I can easily live life on this planet, not for just weeks, or months, but for decades – ‘for the long haul’.

The first step in this process of becoming suicide-free was, for me, from God giving me the heave hoe about stopping the suicide attempts. He told me “NO MORE!!!” And I knew in my heart that I was not going to be allowed to die no matter how hard I tried. Death was going to be outside my reach until He decided it was time for me to go. I no longer had any say in the matter. But I now believe that you don’t need an act of God to get to this step. Just like you don’t need an act of God to put down the drink. I think that putting down the weapons of suicide is the exact same thing as putting down the drink. It’s done one moment at a time – abstinently. You make it ‘just not an option’ anymore no matter how much you want to imbibe. And with that attitude you have to grow in spite of yourself. Eventually it will become a habit and you will become comfortable not doing it. To get comfortable you will find you are forced to make ‘attitude adjustments’ (as I’ve described above) in order to gain this comfort-ability. But making these attitude adjustments are as hard to do as changing the course of a battleship with a small rudder. It took me a tremendous amount of time and effort to overcome my family of origin message installed in me from when I first learned how to think.

Life is hard and then you die.

Such a simple message you would think. But it was a killer for me.

Have No Other Gods…..

Tags

10 commandments, 1st commandment, Addictions, Bible, egypt, exodus, God, lord your god, no other gods, process addictions, slavery, substance addictions, worship

Exodus 20:1-3

And God spoke all these words:

“I am the Lord your God,

who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

“You shall have no other gods before me.

.

What Was Like for Me As An Alcoholic

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, adult children of alcoholics, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, destressing, emotional growth, Mental health, physiological conditions, stress, trauma

It was a very hard row to hoe for me to get sober. Very, very hard. I barely made it. It took everything I had to get and stay sober. Many times I almost lost this precious sobriety I hold so dear. Having alcoholism is horrible. It’s a horrible condition. It stunted my emotional and mental growth because of the way I metabolized it, I can only say this from the inside, I do not know what it’s like to be a non-alcoholic, but this is what I believe as an alcoholic.

I believe that it was my physiological body that was my downfall. I believe I was born with alcoholism. My first drunk was as a four years old when I was told I drained all the left over wine glasses from the Thanksgiving table and came into the living room drunk out of my gourd. Everyone laughed. They thought it was so funny.

I believe that, as an alcoholic, the way I metabolize booze in my body is unique. For me this is also true of sugar and white flour. It helped me sidestep the stresses that were necessary for my emotional growth from a child into an adult by removing these stresses from my body and mind, making them ‘disappear’ and putting me into instant la-la-land. Every time I drank it this effect happened instantly, so naturally I drank it as often as I could get my hands on it. When I wasn’t drinking it I was eating sugar/white flour. After all, who wants stress when you can get instant relief from it? Therefore on the outside I was physically growing up but on the inside I was staying a mentally and emotionally stunted child. I became what to all intensive purposes was a circus freak. A child mind in a grown-up body. Suddenly I found myself thrust into a grown-up world. And, here I was, face to face with the harsh realities of a grown-up world for which, as a stunted child, I was totally unprepared to cope.

This world of gown-ups demanded that I produce like a grown-up. No one could see me for the child I was inside. Meanwhile the way my body metabolized the booze was such that it continued to take the stress off of all this mess and to help me ‘feel better’ (de-stress) in regards to what was happening around me. More and more, the stresses kept piling up. First there was the day-to-day stresses that I’d evaded learning how to cope with but that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to evade them. Then there were the past stresses of the messes I’d created from my lack of coping skills and exacerbated by drunkenness. Then there were the future stresses that scared me half-to-death because the booze (sugar/white flour) had kept me from learning how to handle ‘future thinking’. On top of that there was the pain from childhood abuse that I was never able to properly process because the booze kept me from doing that correctly. All I could do with that was cry drunken tears for myself. And drunken tears never help process pain. Everyone I knew was either mad at me or didn’t want me around because I’d never learned out how to cope with people or with life. I knew I was a total failure at all of it and my self worth was in the gutter.

Meanwhile there was always the booze. Ahhhh the booze, and it’s allure.

I couldn’t stay away from it’s allure. I knew it would take all this horrible stress off my shoulders. It was so easy. It kept pressuring me;

“I will help you. I will help you. I will make you feel better and get you away from all this mess. Come to me and I can make it all go away for you…..”

But it’s promises always came up empty. The next morning reality would come back with a vengeance. More problems to deal with… even more stress to cope with. But then, after the waters calmed down there it was again, calling… always calling, pressuring me…. “I will help you…” Then I had to sober up to face hard, hard, reality again. Even the booze itself — my friend — played an evil part in adding to all the stress. Every time I ‘came to’ there it was… REALITY… right in my face again. Each time it became worse… and worse. More and more horrible. But then there was the booze again. The alluring booze that kept fooling me into thinking it was going to take the stress away but only added to it. Calling me. Pressuring me. Telling me this time it would really work! A merry-go-round of the macabre.

And it all started because of the way my body metabolized booze. It’s physiological and it’s horrible. I don’t think non-alcoholics metabolize booze the way alcoholics do. It doesn’t give them instant relief. I think they still must face life stress and grow up the way they’re supposed to grow up even if they drink alcohol or eat sugar/white flour during the process. I don’t think reality disappears when they drink booze or eat sugar/white flour the way it did when I drank or ate it. So they grow up and learn how to cope with life the way grown-ups are supposed to do.

When I got sober I had to learn life’s in’s-and-out’s and go through the whirling and stressful growing pains that children must endure to become normal adults while, at the same time, being a physical adult, I had to keep up with what life required of me in a grown-up world. It’s hard to go through growing pains as a youth but it’s murderous to have to do it in an old grown body. And even, 36 years later, it still is some times. Now I mostly don’t eat sugar or white flour and must grow up even more during that process.

This is not to excuse alcoholics for their behavior. It’s just a description of what it was like for me as one.

A Letter to My AA Friend Stewart

Tags

AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, class, friendship, God, god's gifts, marathons, presents, school, sober, sobriety

To my dear sober AA friend,
(excerpts from a letter I wrote to my friend Stewart)

While I was on vacation I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time sitting on the sand dunes where I read and did some writing. The writing started to pick up faster and faster until I was going at it at a furious pace. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I gathered together in words some of the things I’ve come across in my sober journey. In 30 years a lot of stuff’s come across my desk but most of it just whirls around in my head – there’s been no solidity. So I decided to try to create a holding place for some of this stuff. To get it more clear in my own mind and to share via paper with others if they care to know. This way I won’t be cornering them but at the same time get a small sense that I’m contributing.

God is Such a Good God!

Tags

Addiction, christianity, compulsive overeating, exercise, food addiction, God, inspiration, Mental health, spirituality, weight, Weight loss, Weight Watchers

I’ve been free of flour/sugar products for over two years and cigarettes for over one and a half years and I haven’t lost any weight at all. It’s been very discouraging to say the least but I think the tide is finally turning regarding the weight. I think God finally had enough of my wining and stepped in to give me a little advice.

I had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago about losing this weight. It went something like this.

God: You know how to lose this weight dear.
Me: How?
God: You know how.
Me: No I don’t.
God: Yes you do. You’ve done it two times before the in exact same way with complete success.

EXERCISE !
Twenty minutes a day.

God: One time just before you moved to Santa Cruz. And one time while you were in Weight Watchers. It worked like a charm back then and there’s no reason why it won’t work again this time. So… if you really do want to lose this weight… why don’t you…

Get back on the ball.

Well I’ve been doing cardio-exercise (which is what I did before) on the elliptical machine twenty minutes a day since then.

I know I will lose the weight this way. God is right. If I want to lose the weight, I have to exercise. I’ve experienced losing the weight this way two times before. I really do want to lose the weight. Enough so that I don’t have any resentment about doing the exercise anymore. I used to have a big resentment at doing even ten minutes. I’ve always talked myself into this resentment by wining things like…

How come I have to exercise
to lose weight and
everyone else doesn’t.

But when God talked to me that day, I knew instantly what a load of crap that was. He put on my heart the reality that just about everyone who has a slim figure has to exercise… the same as I would if I wanted a slim figure too. Suddenly, doing twenty minutes a day on the elliptical is a piece of cake. Not only did He give me the information I needed to loose the weight, but He took all my resentment about doing the exercise, away too!

The Day I Was Freed from the Obsession to Drink

Tags

12-step, alcholics anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, sobriety, spirituality, visions

It was a dark and stormy night….

No… really… It was a dark and stormy night. I was six years sober at the time. SIX YEARS SOBER AND I STILL HAD THE OBSESSION TO DRINK! YIKES!

Don’t ask my how I could have pulled that off. How can a drunk, who is drooling for a drink, not drink… for six years. Fear. That’s all I can say. Plain fear. Unadulterated fear. I’d had a vision of my life if I’d continued down the drinking path, and it wasn’t pretty. It was a horror movie. God showed me my future in living color six years before that, and I couldn’t deny the truth of that future if I continued to drink the way I was doing. And I couldn’t stop the drinking the way I was doing it. So I dragged myself to A.A. and they got me sober.

How I Quit Smoking – Easily and Naturally

Tags

Addiction, cigarettes, quit smoking naturally, quitting smoking, smoking, stop smoking, stop smoking naturally, stopping smoking, visualization

Among many, many ‘two groups of people’, this is one type….

Smokers & Non-Smokers.

The idea is to jump, for all your worth, from the one group (Smokers) into the other group (Non-Smokers). You need to do this deeply so that both feet are firmly planted into the Non-Smoking group of people.

And never look back again.

Exercise -vs- Pigging Out

Tags

compulsive overeating, exercise, overeating, pigging out

I’ve been exercising on the elliptical for a month now. Twice a day for a total of an hour a day – and I can’t get enough of it.

(to read about how this started see this post:  HERE)

I was thinking about ways one tries to numb one’s emotions and how one ‘pays the bill’ for the different ways to numb.

Suddenly I Can Meditate

Tags

12-step, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, God, inspiration, meditation, Mental health, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

Suddenly I find I can meditate! I’m doing it for an hour a day with almost no trouble at all. AA’s Step 11 (Sought through Prayer and Meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him) was absolutely impossible for me. It used to be, even at 34 years sober, that I couldn’t sit quietly for even a couple of minutes. The goolie and goblins would get me. Those goolies called:

You’re nothing but a piece of shit! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! No body wants you let alone loves you! Why don’t you just go away and die! (etc, etc, etc.)

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –

Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

What To Do With Sin-Trauma

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, sin, trauma, violence

When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …

Let us make man-kind
in our image.

God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …

For men are made
in God’s own image.

It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).

Attachment to God? HELP!!

Tags

attachment disorder, childhood trauma, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, Genesis 1:26, God, PTSD, relationship, spiritul, trauma

What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?

I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.

About This “Self-Soothing” Thing

Tags

child abuse, infant trauma, self-soothing, trauma shock

More on the ‘no addictions’ journey…

Well I’ve tried the ‘self-soothing’ thing many times before, and for many years. People have told me of it’s importance more than a few times in my life. But it never really took. Not really. I wanted to do it. It sounded like a great idea. But I only was able to do it by rote – robotic like. Needless to say, it didn’t help anything.

An E-Mail I Sent to My Therapist

Tags

attachment disorder, child abuse, complex ptsd, PTSD, rad, trauma

I sent this e-mail to my therapist and I thought you might be interested in it too.

Please see the post:  HERE– to further understand what I’m talking about.

*  *  *

Dear Elizabeth,

About the attachment disorder thing. I was thinking on the way home about what I know about it from the inside. This is what came up.

I Can’t Connect

Tags

AA, abstinence, abuse, Addiction, alcholism, anti-social, attachment disorder, Christian, christianity, connection, God, rad, surrender

I continue on in my quest as an addict into the world of no addictions.

It’s been officially a year now since I put the sugar down; six months since the cigarettes. I’m digging deep into my psyche. It started out with curiosity. I’ve been desperate to know… “Through practicing all these addictions, what the heck have I been running away from so hard?” Now it’s come to take on a life of it’s own. Here’s where I  now.

Her

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, character defects, complex ptsd, exercise, Family, junk food, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, Theophostic, TPM

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

Tags

abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.

Putting It All Together – Part 1

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Self Hatred  )

As I’ve worked on this and worked on this, it’s feeling more and more ~book-length~ I think. I put a lot of effort into it in an attempt to make it as short and concise as possible. If you are a person experiencing life as one long test of endurance, I hope you decide to read the whole thing. My hope is that you’ll find it meaty, innovative, and exceedingly helpful in relieving your emotional pain and existential angst… thoroughly and forever. I mean it: … thoroughly… and… forever. This is what happened to me.

* * *

Putting It All Together – Part 2

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 1  )

I’ve been doing a lot of extensive research on the destructive-type of Introject and discovered that I have an extremely destructive Introject of my father in me. What’s more, I have no positive Introjects in my childhood to balance out the forceful influence this crazed, destructive Introject wielded over me… None… I am an extreme example. I really should have died long ago; squashed flat under all my Introjects’ gigantically destructive weight.

Putting It All Together – Part 3

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 2  )

Besides dealing with the destructive Introject that was close to killing me, I am also a severe alcoholic. At 25 years old I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day, and though I tried with all my might, I could not stop. The very first hint of my process began when I surrendered myself to AA, 34 years ago. It was AA meetings and a ‘mother’ sponsor that actually gave me the ability to stop using the substance alcohol. For me, alcohol was my primary addiction. Although I have had to deal with a lot of other addictions and obsessions, I call alcohol my ‘primary’ because it was what I ran to first for soothing and for helping me feel better.

Putting It All Together – Part 4

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 3  )

Page 58 of the A.A. “Big Book” * states…

There are those too,
who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders,
but many of them do recover,
if they have the capacity to be honest.

[* The main text used for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.]

Putting It All Together – Part 5

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

The previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 4  )

There are a myriad of substances and obsessions people use in this world to soothe and comfort themselves. Some of these are particularly hard to label or put a finger on (for example: one’s children). I believe almost everyone of us on this planet runs to an earthly substance or obsession to help us cope with the problems we face. Not everyone, but I would say 95% of us.

Putting It All Together – Part 6

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 5)

I think it was about the timing. God’s timing. I guess He thought I was finally ready to go to the next level. For me, this has been a 34 year journey, but I’ve been stumbling around in completely darkness looking for an answer. I don’t believe other’s will have to take this long though, if they can follow the trail I have blazed here.

Putting It All Together – Part 7

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 6 )

But it took a bit of time to get there; from studying about them to being able to work with them. Happily however, I was aided by a blind-siding crisis. About nine months into the alcoholic-foods abstinence (the next addiction in line behind the alcohol) and six months off the cigarettes; a very dear friend of mine told me to… take a hike.

Putting It All Together – Part 8

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 7  )

Through my reading about the Introject, I came to understand that positive Introjects arise from mature caretakers. However, the destructive type can sound like the voice of authority, but really, it is essentially immature as it arises from immature and frightened authorities who are by the way, are also tormented by their own destructive immature Introjects. This destructive Introject business is passed down through generations and through contact with almost all messed up people. In my own personal experience, I’ve found that the Introject entity can be extremely contagious.

Putting It All Together – Part 9

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 8  )

The best way I know of to handle this type of destructively loud, deceptively parent-like, but actually child-like Introject, is through the act of ‘soothing’ to calm it down from it’s frightened state. What’s more, because my main Introject is so strong that there are no other ~parts~ inside me strong enough to do the amount of powerful soothing necessary to keep it calmed down.

Putting It All Together – Part 10

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 9   )

It was a very small hole I had to squeeze through then, but now as I look back, I can see much more clearly the necessity of developing a relationship with a Loving God. Since then, I’ve analyzed this thoroughly, in a scientific way, so let me make my case to you before you close me out completely. This is not to proselytize! I’m not at all trying to make Christians out of you. We all deserve to give others the utmost respect for their religious and spiritual choices.

Putting It All Together – Part 11

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 10   )

And, I believe most adults severely abused as children, are also in the same boat as I was when it came to the concept of Love.

Putting It All Together – Part 12

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(The previous post in this series is here:   Putting It All Together – Part 11   )

I’m using this Spiritually-Connected-Adult (which I have been enlarging and developing through many unconditional, loving interactions with my Higher Power) in a relaxed, subliminal, low-level, ~get out of the way~ kind of meditation all day long. Whatever I’m doing… I’m at the same time (or between times, if you’re not a multi-tasker **) … keeping this Spiritually-Connected-Adult-Part of me secluded… out of the world’s view. This is a completely private process between me, my Introjects, and my God. No one else can in any way be involved.

Self-Hatred

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, self-hate, self-hatred, spiritual

  (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

At last… a very short post!

Feeling Life Naked; With No Addictive Substances or Obsessive Behaviors

Tags

Addictions, child abuse, crisis, Family, friendship

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )

As I’m wading through this crisis (my good friend telling me to take a hike), I’m now utterly determined not to resort to any addictions or obsessions while experiencing the pain. I seem to be going through a lot of emotional metamorphoses. I’m both deep inside them and, at the same time, (as a scientific behaviorist) observing them from without. I know that the book on this journey though crisis without the use of addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, has just gotten started. Right now I’m roller-coasting at break neck speed.  Here is what I’ve been feeling so far.

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I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

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Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

How to Get Deep Inner Healing for a Negative Emotion

Tags

adult-self, child self, Christ, Christian, christianity, conversation, God, spirituality, trust

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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This is to be done ~ A-La ~Theophostic~ Style:

You have to have an unconditionally-loving-adult-self to do this. If you aren’t sure you know what being unconditionally Loved feels like, then you most likely have never experienced it.

But that’s ok though.
I never had it, but I was able to get it.
So, so can you!!

Exodus 20:2-4 – Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )
At the bottom of this post is a link to the next one.

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Exodus 20:2-4…

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.

These are the verses I’m totally laser-focused on right now. I am doing my level best to live by them. Suddenly I can see their profound meaning for our current times – as clear… as… day. To put it mildly, the rewards for making God my main man, are astonishingly miraculous.

Please find…

Jeremiah 33:3

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HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU RECOGNIZE IN YOURSELF?

My Take On CoDependency

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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How I look at co-dependency:

Co-dependency is an addiction that I have used in place of my dependence on God. When I relate to people in a co-dependent way, I am shifting my dependence – from God – to other people. I’m using other people’s admiration of me to soothe my ‘introject’, instead of getting this soothing directly from God Himself. It seems easier to turn to people rather than toward God. Reaching out to things in this physical world is much easier than having to reach toward the spiritual One who’s big enough to fix anything. When you’re trying to reach for the spiritual world, you have to stretch more to make this connection.

The next post in this series is here:   Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice (Exodus 20:2-4)

This is What ‘jumping the tracks’ Looks Like

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, New Testament, obsession, Paul, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast  )

In the saga of: “Living Life With No Addictions or Obsessions”, my journey continues.

The last few days I’ve been full to the brim with fear. Terrified really.

Co-Dependence: I Can’t Talk About It

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, co-dependence, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

So far, I’ve been pretty good about working on my goal of “You Shall Have No Other God’s Before Me” (the 1st commandment in the Bible). So far so good.

But a couple of days ago, I jumped the tracks. I got a little bit back into co-dependence.

‘Out In The Field’ With God

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Holy Spirit, Paradigm shift, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

Hi Pastor D & K,   (both of them are therapists)

(sorry this is so long – I couldn’t make it any shorter and still say what I needed to say).

I’ve been out in the field with God for a long time, but have taken many long, long  ‘breaks’ (through various addictions) from my studies. Though I’ve been freed from alcohol obsession for 34 years, I’ve been substituting many other secondary addictions to take it’s place. I could not stop these other addictions myself, so I’ve been praying, for all my sober 34 years, to have these other addictions removed. With all my heart, I’ve wanted “No other gods before God”.