A Wasted Life

Tags

alcoholism, blogging, child abuse, degrees, flour/sugar addiction, junk food addiction, negative voices, old age, personal blog, statistician, statistics, Substance abuse, wasted life

I’m so sad. I’m crying my guts out right now.

I wasted my life. I’m 65 and I didn’t do anything with it. I had so much potential and it’s all gone down into the gutter. I got off the alcohol when I was 25 but I was doing white flour and sugar instead. I’m so alcoholic that those substances got me high. So, in doing them I avoided doing work to get the mean, nasty voices from my childhood out of my head. Voices that told me what a piece of shit I was – and stupid. I didn’t get off the flour/sugar until I was 30 years sober and then God removed those voices for me. But it’s a day late and a dollar short for me. I could have done great things with my life, but instead I’ve spent it all recovering from what happened to me as a child. This is all I’ve done with it. Nothing else. I feel so sad about this. So So So sad!!! I can’t tell you how sad I feel at seeing my life slip through my fingers and go nowhere.

How to Stop Suicide Obsession

Tags

blogging, gratitude, gratitude list, Joel 2:25, personal blog, suicide obsession, thankfulness

(I used to be suicidally depressed but by practicing this attitude for the last 20 years or so, I got turned around.)

Like Looking for Golden Easter Eggs  —  It’s My Job to Find Them. To load my basket full of these Golden Gems of Happiness. For me, it’s an essential secret ingredient to having a decent life

Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust have eaten. The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust,  “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied

Joel 2:25

This is my life passage. The more I think this way, the more abundant my life has become. It has been my experience that my life’s course is definitely affected by how I think about it.

Why I Haven’t Been Able to Meditate

Tags

blogging, life's riddle, meditation, personal blog, riddle to life, stickers, what life is all about

So I’m doing my darnedest to do a breathing meditation. It’s been 3 weeks so far. I know this because I have a calendar that I’m putting stickers on to mark the days I do it. So far I haven’t missed a single day. I haven’t missed because I don’t want any days on the calendar that don’t have a sticker on them. Tonight I managed to do it at 8:30 pm. I do it for half an hour in my computer chair with an MS Word document up that I can quickly jot down things I need to remember so I don’t have to hold them in my brain. It’s so difficult trying to do this meditation. Up til now my attempts have met with a 100% failure rate. But with the stickers as motivation, it’s finally coming together.

Coffee Grounds

Tags

blogging, coffee grounds, God, holocaust, low self esteem, Maus, pain, persecution complex, personal blog, Poem, Poetry, prose, victimlicious

i dumped the coffee grounds this morning… all over everything.

i was trying to be so careful to take the coffee grounds container out of the coffee maker.

It flipped over.

It didn’t just flip over – it flipped over backwards.

Into everything on the counter that it could possibly flip into.

Wet coffee grounds… in every appliance – in the kitchen basket where i keep my rubber bands and pot holders.

i got so mad.

i feel really…  picked on.

More – Dealing With My Angry Husband

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blog, blogging, defensiveness, fights, hope, making appoinments with you husband, Marriage, marriage problems, relationship

(go here to find out how this all began)

J came back with a thing I could try to get him to stop laying into me. He said I should say “You’re getting defensive”.  Oh well, it’s worth a shot and I’m ready for anything that might help. Maybe him coming up with it himself, he might be more open to this suggestion. I learned to make appointments with him about relationship issues and that works. Maybe doing this might work too. I can only hope.  (to be continued)

Grow Up and Be a Man

Tags

blog, blogging, Husbands, Marriage, marriage problems, on not being perfect, parenting, PTSD triggers

Today we’re going to the dentist to have a new mold made as they broke the first one. Then we’re going to Salem to drop off the first installment for the house we’re building.

The next time J starts yelling I’m going to QUIETLY say;

You’re having a temper tantrum like a little boy. Why don’t you grow up and be a man.

(go here to see it put to the test)

It’s All About ‘Competency’!! (or is it?)

Tags

blog, blogging, competency, dealing with men, fighting, Marriage, PTSD, verbal violence

(go here to see how this all began)

J laid into me for touching the air button without asking him first. I didn’t respond to the issue ‘perfectly’ so he gave me a ration. I tried telling him he was having a temper tantrum like a little boy and should grow up but it fell on deaf ears. So I resorted to telling him that when I don’t do things perfectly he goes off on me. What do I do to get him to stop expecting me to be perfect? Maybe just shut up until he’s done? I don’t have a clue but it’s really hard to be laid into when I’m not perfect. I resist. It’s a PTSD trigger. Dad expected me to be perfect too or he beat the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this sort of thing.

On Whether or Not to Have Children

Tags

adultry, birth control, child abuse, Children, daycare, divorce, having children, marriage problems, mental health services, reproduction, sex, ted talk, teen sex, teen suicide

I watched a Ted Talk on why people should have children.
https://www.ted.com/talks/wajahat_ali_the_case_for_having_kids?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2019-05-09

Well I disagree with this vehemently. And here’s why.

On Being a Reject

Tags

AA, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, feeling worthless, God, journal, La Femme Nikita, rejection, relationships, self-esteem, spirituality, TV show, unwanted children

I watched LaFemme Nikita on TV tonight. It’s a totally weird show about the authorities not caring a twit about their ’employees’ lives, whether they live or die. Those in charge blatantly use people who were former prisoners and treat them as though they weren’t worth a nickel. I so related to that. It got to me and added umph to my feelings of worthlessness already.  As a child I felt like I wasn’t worth a nickel either. I feel totally worthless. Just like when I was growing up. I hope the ACA meeting will continue and not fold. I need ACA people. I want to call Anne but it’s 10 pm and she’s pretty old. I don’t want to be waking her up for such a stupid reason. I want to talk to someone about what happened today with Gordon and how I keep messing up and messing up with AA people. No matter how I try I keep messing up with them. I don’t belong in AA anymore.

I Don’t Feel Safe in AA

Tags

AA, AA meetings, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, conversation, fear, relationships

Jerry got me to go to the Saturday noon AA meeting. I shared that I didn’t feel safe in AA because my growth has been so slow – that I was just beginning to explore my ACA issues. I tried to be honest and Cheryl caught up on that but she didn’t approach me after the meeting. No one did. No one ever does no matter how I share. Whether I say things like I know it all, or I sound utterly incompetent, no one ever comes up to me after a meeting. After a while it starts to get to a person. All the rejection. I can’t face it and I can’t talk about it in a meeting. This is the one thing I can’t talk about – how I feel so rejected in AA. I ‘talked’ to Gordon after the meeting. I wanted to address him telling Jerry and me that he was afraid of his father. I thought I might be able to interest him in ACA (Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families), but the conversation went nowhere and he ‘politely’ stepped away from me. It was all very uncomfortable. I’m not going back to mixed AA meetings. If there’s going to be any AA in my life at all it will be with women only.

Nancy Napier

Tags

ACA, blog, communicate by the unconscious, complex ptsd, Family, Father, Holy Spirit, mental illness, Nancy Napier, orb, recreating Your Self, relationships, unconscious symbolism

I really needed to talk to someone but it’s midnight and I don’t want to disturb anyone at such a late hour.

I’ve been reading books by Nancy Napier. She works with self-hypnosis and she knows how to recover from child abuse like no one I’ve ever come in contact with before. I read Recreating Your Self and bought 3 more books by her.

One exercise she suggested was when you’re feeling something disturbing, make your ability to dissociate work for you. Give the disturbing feelings to the child within (who already owns them anyway) so that you can become calm enough to be able to support the child  with these out of control feelings.

Finding meditation impossible

Tags

amygdala, corpus colosum, dissociation, dissociatve disorder, fighting, inner child work, logic, meditating, meditation, relationship, silly stickers, solfeggio, solfeggio tones, stickers

So I meditated today for 30 minutes just so I could put a sticker on my calendar. I’ve had the hardest time knuckling down and mediating. No matter what I do, I just won’t do it for very long. Maybe a few days but then I always find some reason to not do it. It’s about my little girl inside. She’s the one who doesn’t want to meditate – because she thinks it’s boring.

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

Tags

abuse, child abuse, child within, Children, Family, impossible demands, insanity, interrogation, Marriage, no other gods, relationships, verbal abuse

I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.

Monday: 5 – 14 – 2018

Tags

being used, craziness, friendship, letters, manipulation, money, resentment, San Diego, saying No, step 4, street people, trips

Last Saturday, my friend gave me the business. She said she wanted us to go to San Diego on a trip. I said “Save your money”. But after hearing this she got very indignant with me. She was she was expecting me to pay for the whole trip myself because she is on disability and has hardly any money. I could hardly believe what she was saying to me but the thing is, I can’t come out and say; “No”. I’ve never been able to say that in my life (because of living with my father who was a malignant narcissist). But this was too much. I got very tongue tied and tried to wangle my way out of it by saying that, though she wasn’t trying to use me, I had a hard time even smelling the idea of being used. What a crock! I thought; “If I go for this, I’m going to get a resentment as big as a house”. I was determined not to do it. She tried to manipulate me through humiliation saying that street people would give the shirts off their backs to help someone else out. She said that she expected me to be ‘better’ after 38 years sober. I squeaked out a response saying; “Your expectations of me are too high”.

I was so extremely freaked out by the whole business that I completely lost my bearings. I lost my Costco card at the gas station; something I’ve never done before with any of my credit cards. My driving was scary and when I went to drop her off, I ran over the curb. She chocked it up to the bipolar disorder (I’m actually schizo-effective) and I didn’t disagree with her. I just couldn’t let the same conversation come up again.

So, when I got home, I wrote her this letter. Here it is:

Monday – 4-30-2018

Tags

complex post-traumatic stress disorder, EMDR, fighting, husband & wife, Intimate relationship, marital conflict, Marriage, marriage problems, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships, therapy, verbal abuse

• 

Click here to read the beginning post for this series

I’m sure many people think that verbal abuse isn’t that bad. Those are the people who’ve never been a victim of it. If they’d experienced it, I’m sure they’d be singing a different tune. Being verbally abused feels like getting punched in the face.

Thursday: 4 – 26 – 2018 – part 2

Tags

boundaries, EMDR, Marriage, marriage problems, PTSD, relationships, therapy

To read about the new way in our relationship , click here

So, in response to my request for shoulder moments. I asked Jerry what he would like from me. Here is what he wrote. We will be reading both our pages every day.

1. Collaboration between both of us.
2. Patience from her for Jerry’s physical health issues.
3. Patience from him for Robin’s mental health issues.
4. Explain each other’s prospective completely before rebuttal starts.
5. Allow time for each one of us to respond to the issue at hand.
6. No personal attacks from each other.
7. Work towards compromise with each other in decision-making.
8. Ask for forgiveness rather than being judgmental with each other.
   Keep it to the issue at hand and take responsibility for a mistake.
   (this item is still under discussion)
9. Honor agreements with each other and re-visit agreements when one
   of us is unable to comply as agreed.
10. We need to define actual needs from wants that pop up from time to time.
11. If anyone is making noise between 11 pm and 7 am it is that person’s
    responsibility to go to a separate room and close the door.
12. Take responsibility for our own actions.
13. Having a basis of mutual respect in the marriage.

This is pretty complicated for me so I asked him to take the reins and let me know when I cross over a line.

Click here for the next post in this series

Thursday: 4 – 26 – 2018

Tags

abuse, EMDR, EMDR therapy, freedom, LCSW, Licenced Social Worker, Marriage, relationships, spouse abuse, therapy, verbal abuse

To read the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here

I had my EMDR session yesterday with my therapist Cynthia Pickett LCSW.

She said that the EMDR is bringing out my ‘natural’ self which lingered under all the PTSD haze. Before the EMDR, with all the PTSD history I have had, I’ve been mulled in the idea that I deserved no more than abusive behavior. Because of being abused all my life (hated by my father, unbelievably, from the moment of my birth) I have felt like a lower form of human and this self-evaluation led me to think that someone abusing me was ok. With the EMDR, I’m starting to see that being verbally abused is unacceptable. I’m a decent human being and don’t deserve this kind of an abusive relationship.

It feels natural and I seem to be ‘getting it’ down to my core self. I’m a good person and I deserve better than that. I’m even willing to leave my circumstances to be free of it. Something I was totally unwilling to do before this.

It’s fascinating what the EMDR is doing to me. It’s unlike any therapy I ever experienced. With all the talk therapy, nothing much changed in my life. But this EMDR is really shaking things up. FINALLY! I’m moving forward.

To continue in this series, click here

An e-mail from my sister

Tags

couples, dissociatve disorder, EMDR, Family, fighting, husband & wife, Marriage, marriage problems, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships

To read about the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here

On 4/24/2018 my sister Jacqueline wrote: