Have You Had a Visitation?

Tags

Christ, Christian, christianity, Faith, God, Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit, Jesus, lonliness, religion, religious experience, spiritual experience, spiritual visitation

Have you had one or more spiritual experiences or visitations? I have on several occasions and I’m desperately looking for others who have had them too. Because, in this, I feel truly alone.

Why We’re Here

Tags

God, heaven, Job, Job of the Bible, Satan, sobriety, spirits, stress, struggles, struggles as opportunities, suffering, visceral learning, why we're here, wizard of oz

Why I think we’re here on this planet. I believe these things because of my own experiences after 40 years sober.

Does God ‘test’ us? No, I don’t think so.

I don’t think it’s God who is doing these terrible things we experience here. I think Satan rules this world and is the author of all our sorrows. Satan is the one who relishes our pain. Not God.

Think about the story of Job.

God made sure we knew that it wasn’t Him who wreaked havoc with Job. He allowed Satan to do it. But not for what Satan thought. “To get him good!” God had another idea for it all. He had something in mind to do to Job and, at the same time, relay information to us (when we have to go through Job experiences) through the story. It was all in His plan. But in the story He, on purpose, wanted to  make it very clear that he doesn’t do stuff like that to us. He is our Father and wants us to know that the shit we go through does not come from Him. He doesn’t want us to run from Him as though the shit we’re going through comes from His throne. He wants us to run away from Satan – and to – Him. Just like He knew Job would do.

But He does allow for shit to happen. He allows Satan to run rampant through our lives while we’re here.

Why?

I think it’s quite a sophisticated plan He has devised. Unbeknownst to Satan, He’s is using that evil being for His own purposes. Purposes for our good.

Because, while we’re here, using Satan as His tool,  God is giving us the fortunate opportunity to learn things through experiencing them and, using the free will He blessed us with, make some very important decisions based on those visceral experiences. While our spirits are without bodies we are unable to learn some very important things that cannot be taught through ‘book learning’ in the heavenlys.  So He sends us here to go through ‘on-the-job training’. Book learning helps to gain knowledge to some extent, but it’s the on-the-job training that allows us to learn things in much deeper ways than simply talking about them in class. It was all about getting through to our ‘viscera’.  Way down to that deep place, where we truly live and breathe.

In the story, Job went through a deep period of on-the-job-training as he experienced all those stressful things. The loss of his livelihood, his children (who, by the way didn’t die as no spirit ever dies in God’s realm. Spirits just go back to be with God. Remember, He reclaimed all of them in a very quick and painless way), and his health. What happened in the end of all this stress? He was given the gift of hitting an emotional bottom. And why is hitting bottom a gift? Because it is a very good vehicle for separating us from ‘old ideas’ we cling to that don’t serve us well; misconstrued ideas we clung to while in spirit where we weren’t able to get opportunities to go through stresses strong enough to sever them from us. Stresses that force us to make desperate decisions. To make us desperately want (the key) to pick up new ideas, and not just feel like we need to – or (even worse) feel we ‘should’ (ugg!!). Ideas that pertain to relating and relying on God and wanting to truly rest in His love. And truly realizing, that in the universe of real reality, where there’s furious forces of good and evil,  just how ‘powerless’ we actually are. Only God knows how to do battle with of the forces of evil. We need to choose Him and run from the evil – not the other way around. That’s why it’s very important to understand that it’s not God who’s causing the pain. He is the salve, run to Him, not away. Remember, in the story, He specifically stated that the stress came from the Evil One. It was Satan who started the craziness – not God.

Before everything happened to Job, God knew he was going to pick his God and not curse Him. But he loved Job and wanted him to be blessed in a very deep and meaningful way; to become intimate with our God like he’d never been before and to gain a new and more wonderful relationship with Him.

Realize this. At the end, God came to Job! He did not just leave him to suffer torment forever, but only for the time it took to learn something. As a result of the temporary experience of suffering, Job was changed. In his bottom, Jobs’ ears were opened in a new and deep way so that he was able to hear and assimilate information God was now able to convey to him at viscera level.  The suffering emptied Job and allowed him to take in a new understanding of God because it changed him down to his DNA. He was now able – to viscerally incorporate – this new information.  God didn’t convey this information to his buddies, nor to us as we’re only reading it in a book, but to Job alone. They (and we) could not get it the way Job now could. And because of this Job was blessed. Job chose God instead of choosing the other way (not Him), and because of that now knew God in a way that he’d never known Him up until that time. And when the dust settled, God blessed his life more than it had ever been blessed before. Job gained everything he’d lost – and so much more. The ‘dross’ of riches (that keep us from entering the kingdom of God) were torn away and he could come out from it now with a new richer and more rewarding walk with God on top of all his regained worldly riches and health. Because God loved Job – soooo much!!!

Job was a special guy in Gods’ eyes. God said this of His beloved Job in 1:8

“Then the Lord said to Satan,

Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears (awes) God and shuns evil.

I have had Job experiences, as I am sure you have too. Huge storms of stress. And in these, I do my best to always choose God. And, after the dust settles, making this choice has only served to make my life even more blessed. My life is better than I could ever have imagined it could be. But it’s not over yet. The storms are not over yet as I know I still have a few more old ideas I can’t stop clinging to without the help of suffering to separate me for them. But so far so good. Though not Job’s station, from where I came from, I too am already living a more and more JOB BLESSED LIFE!!!

God talks to all of us – just like He talked to Job. He talks to me too and, like Job, I do my best – to listen.

 *********************

I love ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

After everything was over and Glinda is talking to Dorothy, she says to her.

I couldn’t teach you this. You had to learn it for yourself.

And what did Dorothy learn?

That there is no place like ‘home’.

Before, Dorothy didn’t appreciate her home. She tried to run away from it. But afterwards, her heart wanted home like she’d never wanted it before.

My home is with God. And I know to my very heart, that for peace, joy, happiness, there’s no place like being with Him.

*********************

ps – when I am at the end of what I can take, I get under my soft blue blanket; curl up in a fetal position; let go of ‘the fight’; and say…

Help

But there’s a catch to this. The fruit (of old ideas) has to be ripe enough to fall away from the tree (you). And for this to happen, time is required for the ripening. Time to let the storms play out. As far as I know, there’s no way around walking through the necessary time to allow the fruit to become ripe enough to fall off. No short cuts. Time is required. Simple time.

Try the blanket trick though as much as you can – until your fruit is ripe enough for the magic to happen. I can’t really explain what the metamorphosis feels like, but you’ll know it when you get there.

So choose God. Always, always, always choose God.

Matthew 9:4-6

Tags

blog, blogging, God, God forgiving sin, Jesus, Jesus forgiving sin, journal entry, Matthew 9, matthew 9:4-6, spiritual experience

Why would Jesus say that being healed on earth is compared to being saved for heaven? That makes no sense. How are these two things equal to each other? Even in the same category?

Matthew 9:4-6
⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said,

Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ⁶ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.

So he said to the paralyzed man,

Get up, take your mat and go home.

Nothing

Tags

blog, blogging, creation, creationism, meister eckhart, silence, stillness

 

“Nothing in all creation is so like God – as stillness”

 

Meister Eckhart

Making God Bigger

Tags

carbs, doughnut, God, God speaking to me, junk food, Prayer, relationship, relationship with God, thou shalt have no other gods before me

Went to church. While there I helped myself to a doughnut. I wish I could get off the junk. But something occurred during the sermon while the preacher was talking. He was giving a sermon about the first commandment of thou shalt have no other gods before me. I got a spirit twinge. And this is what it was.

When I want junk food I have to make God bigger than that stuff. It occurred to me that if I get on my knees maybe I can make him bigger than my crazy head. The junk gets to my mind and calms it with sweet carbs. God can calm my head too but I have to make him bigger than my crazy head and the only way I can think of to get that to happen is to get on my hands and knees and put my face to the ground. This so that I can get the feeling of how small and powerless I am, and appeal to him who I can then sense is way bigger than me. I know he will answer me – help me with my anxieties – if I do this. But am I going to be willing to? Well I’m sure going to give it a good honest try.

Sunday: 5 – 13 – 2018

Tags

color matching, exasperation, God, house painting, painting

To continue with the saga of painting. My oh my oh my.

I’ve given up trying to get the right color for our very dark hallway. I was trying to go for a golden yellow color with a hint of green but I kept shooting past the mark. First it was too green and dark, then too yellow. Now it’s too white. I’m mixing cans of paint together and I have about six tints to choose from along with a gallon of pure white.

I’m getting Jerry involved…… FINALLY!  I need help!!!!

So I’ve let go of the whole business and turned it over to him. So we put some paint on the walls and the same hew looked like three different colors in three different spots in the hallway. It’s just plain crazy!

I’m going crazy!!!!

Eventually I’m going to have to go to the last ditch resort. I’m going to pray to God to give me some insight about how to proceed. Imagine that, getting God involved. I know he knows the exact color we need. I just have to have faith that he will help.

Wednesday 4-11-18

Tags

Bessel Van Der Kolk, divorce, EMDR, marriage problems, massage, masseuse, separation, The Body Keeps the Score, therapy

I had my EMDR therapy today. I’ve been reading this book my therapist gave me called; “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD (isbn # 9780670785933). It’s an excellent book on different types of therapy for PTSD victims and childhood abuse PTSD victims. I liked it a lot because he doesn’t just circle around the problem. Half the book is devoted to different kinds of therapy to help PTSD sufferers. One of them is EMDR. There’s a whole chapter devoted to it.

Anyway, I was in the middle of the EMDR session when my problem with Jerry’s screaming came up. My therapist said I didn’t have to live with that sort of thing. Well I’ve been living with it for 30 years now but when I got out of the session something broke inside. Suddenly I have the gumption to move out! I’ve been staying for nothing but financial reasons but the light dawned on this. Jerry and I could make it separately financially. With my inheritance, we paid off two houses and rent on out. I could move back to the rental and make Jerry pay me $600 out of his monthly retirement check. Then we’d both be about even money wise. I had a feeling of freedom.

At the same time this was going on in my head another thought popped in. I think this was from God. I need to get a massage therapy credential. I know I would be a good masseuse. My hands are always warm and dry no matter what the temperature is. And I’ve always gotten compliments from people I have given massages to. So that’s what I’m going to do. I looked up massage schools in the area and a very nice one came up. “Milan Institute” right here is town.

I have decided that after my next EMDR session I will sit Jerry down and tell him that he has 30 days to straighten up his act or I’m out of there by the next 30 since we have to give our renters 30 days notice. That’s a total of 60 days.

I want out of here so badly I can taste it. I want to have my own place that I can decorate just how I want. And I want to be a ladies masseuse. I am thinking I will make my home my base of operations and I will only do women. The idea of being in a house all alone with a man gives me the chills. I was raped when I was 22 and have been skittish about men ever since.

Friday – 4-6-18

Tags

12 Step Program, child abuse, Family, frustration, God, gratitude, journal, narcissist, rage, scape goat, scrificial lamb, sisters, sociopath

(an e-mail to my sister Jackie)

I work at the discipline of gratitude to keep from falling back into the pit of suicide obsession. Something I can’t afford since God told me that suicide was not an option for me. I had to calm the obsession since being frustrated by not satisfying this obsession made my life utterly, utterly miserable. And, by the way, this discipline was instilled in me by a loving God who didn’t want me to live my life here in misery. So he showed me how to deal with the obsession through gratitude. Not that I still don’t have the obsession though. Deep down it’s just covered over with the discipline.

I Escaped the Suicide Machine

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, birds, christianity, death, Faith, God, grief, inspiration, Mental health, religion, Suicide

I feed wild finches and over the last month or so I’ve been watching them die little by little.

Have No Other Gods…..

Tags

10 commandments, 1st commandment, Addictions, Bible, egypt, exodus, God, lord your god, no other gods, process addictions, slavery, substance addictions, worship

Exodus 20:1-3

And God spoke all these words:

“I am the Lord your God,

who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

“You shall have no other gods before me.

.

A Letter to My AA Friend Stewart

Tags

AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, class, friendship, God, god's gifts, marathons, presents, school, sober, sobriety

To my dear sober AA friend,
(excerpts from a letter I wrote to my friend Stewart)

While I was on vacation I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time sitting on the sand dunes where I read and did some writing. The writing started to pick up faster and faster until I was going at it at a furious pace. I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I gathered together in words some of the things I’ve come across in my sober journey. In 30 years a lot of stuff’s come across my desk but most of it just whirls around in my head – there’s been no solidity. So I decided to try to create a holding place for some of this stuff. To get it more clear in my own mind and to share via paper with others if they care to know. This way I won’t be cornering them but at the same time get a small sense that I’m contributing.

God is Such a Good God!

Tags

Addiction, christianity, compulsive overeating, exercise, food addiction, God, inspiration, Mental health, spirituality, weight, Weight loss, Weight Watchers

I’ve been free of flour/sugar products for over two years and cigarettes for over one and a half years and I haven’t lost any weight at all. It’s been very discouraging to say the least but I think the tide is finally turning regarding the weight. I think God finally had enough of my wining and stepped in to give me a little advice.

I had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago about losing this weight. It went something like this.

God: You know how to lose this weight dear.
Me: How?
God: You know how.
Me: No I don’t.
God: Yes you do. You’ve done it two times before the in exact same way with complete success.

EXERCISE !
Twenty minutes a day.

God: One time just before you moved to Santa Cruz. And one time while you were in Weight Watchers. It worked like a charm back then and there’s no reason why it won’t work again this time. So… if you really do want to lose this weight… why don’t you…

Get back on the ball.

Well I’ve been doing cardio-exercise (which is what I did before) on the elliptical machine twenty minutes a day since then.

I know I will lose the weight this way. God is right. If I want to lose the weight, I have to exercise. I’ve experienced losing the weight this way two times before. I really do want to lose the weight. Enough so that I don’t have any resentment about doing the exercise anymore. I used to have a big resentment at doing even ten minutes. I’ve always talked myself into this resentment by wining things like…

How come I have to exercise
to lose weight and
everyone else doesn’t.

But when God talked to me that day, I knew instantly what a load of crap that was. He put on my heart the reality that just about everyone who has a slim figure has to exercise… the same as I would if I wanted a slim figure too. Suddenly, doing twenty minutes a day on the elliptical is a piece of cake. Not only did He give me the information I needed to loose the weight, but He took all my resentment about doing the exercise, away too!

My Baptism Horror Story

Tags

baptize, baptizm, christianity, demon possession, demons, God, spirituality, trauma, violence

My baptism was ‘not that great’ as it turned out. This is an understatement. Here’s what happened.

I became a Christian in my bedroom, alone, by accident, at 27 years old. The story of my conversion is HERE. Then I was a ‘closet Christian’ for three years before I got with a church. After that, it took another year or so before I got the guts to come forward and ask to be baptized. I knew about baptizim, and I knew you were supposed to get baptized after you became a Christian, right? It’s just something that Christians were supposed to do. You get baptized to declare to the world that you now follow Christ. I had no problem with that. I knew I belonged to Jesus and to God and that I owed my very life to Him.

Life is Like a River of Spinning Logs

Tags

God, logs, meditation, peace, rivers

Life is like a fast moving river filled with spinning logs. We spend our lives frantically leaping from spinning log to spinning log trying to stay afloat. Mentally, emotionally, physically, we leap.. and leap… and leap. But God lives in the calmly moving depths of the water between the spinning logs. How did I connect to Him there in the depths? How did I stop frantically leaping from spinning log to spinning log to get to Him? The answer… one time I stopped leaping. It sounds impossible but one time I sat down on a log and gazed into the water to look for Him… and I found Him there and saw Him return my gaze. It was marvelous. The spinning logs be damned, this is where I finally found peace. I stopped the constant leaping from log to log, and as I sat down on the log I found that it stopped spinning. I sat down for a time and gazed into the water, and He helped me with the constant spinning. And all I did was just sit down.

The Love of God …Imagined…

Tags

child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, God's Love, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Mental health, Poem, PTSD, song, spirituality, trauma

When I am quiet in the morning
I imagine the love of God
He is the Father
He wears a long heavy cloak
He draws me to Him
~ gently ~
~ slowly ~
~ tenderly ~
~ sweetly ~
He enfolds me into His heavy cloak
I lay myself against His chest
I am ~me~ I am accepted
I am ~me~ I am encouraged
I am ~me~ I am warm
I am ~me~ I am safe
This is my Father’s love for me
I can stay here for hours.
Talking with Him.
I never want to leave this place.

God written / channeled through Anonymousonetoo

What To Do With Sin-Trauma

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, sin, trauma, violence

When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …

Let us make man-kind
in our image.

God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …

For men are made
in God’s own image.

It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).

I Don’t Care Much for Love

Tags

child abuse, Christian, christianity, compassion, complex ptsd, God, Love, PTSD, trauma

(an e-mail I sent to my pastor in response to the sermon he gave today. Regarding something he talked about that made me think on the word – compassion.)

*  *  *

I want to say more about the word “love”. I just don’t care much for that word. It’s been bandied about too much. Like an old wad of crumpled duct tape. It’s kind of useless anymore.

I love potato chips (?)

I mean. Come on!

But – compassion….

Attachment to God? HELP!!

Tags

attachment disorder, childhood trauma, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, Genesis 1:26, God, PTSD, relationship, spiritul, trauma

What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?

I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.

God in Me

Tags

complex ptsd, God, inner healing, PTSD, spirit, wisdom

As I continue to stumble onward along this ‘no addiction’ journey…

Let Us make man-kind in Our Image.

Genesis 1:26

(It says: “All Mankind” – not just Christians)

When I was made, God placed in me a piece of Himself. A ‘fragment’ of Himself if you will. Then He went along His way doing what He does. Creating things and such.

An E-Mail I Sent to My Therapist

Tags

attachment disorder, child abuse, complex ptsd, PTSD, rad, trauma

I sent this e-mail to my therapist and I thought you might be interested in it too.

Please see the post:  HERE– to further understand what I’m talking about.

*  *  *

Dear Elizabeth,

About the attachment disorder thing. I was thinking on the way home about what I know about it from the inside. This is what came up.

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

Tags

abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

Opposites: Heaven & Earth

Tags

Christian, christianity, earth, God, heaven, inspiration, Paradigm shift, rules, spirituality

Have you ever wondered why God’s commands work directly opposite to the way the world works?

I have wondered and wondered about all the =opposites= the Bible talks about, for a very long time.

With the help of some of my blogging buddies, these are some of the ones we came up with.

I don’t understand it, but when I do as God’s directs, something happens inside….

…something wonderful…..

I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. But when I do a thing God’s way, something inside…

…tingles with excitement….

*  *  *

‘Out In The Field’ With God

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Holy Spirit, Paradigm shift, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

Hi Pastor D & K,   (both of them are therapists)

(sorry this is so long – I couldn’t make it any shorter and still say what I needed to say).

I’ve been out in the field with God for a long time, but have taken many long, long  ‘breaks’ (through various addictions) from my studies. Though I’ve been freed from alcohol obsession for 34 years, I’ve been substituting many other secondary addictions to take it’s place. I could not stop these other addictions myself, so I’ve been praying, for all my sober 34 years, to have these other addictions removed. With all my heart, I’ve wanted “No other gods before God”.

How to Pray… No, I Mean… Really Pray

Tags

child, child abuse, Children, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, messy, Prayer, relationship, spirituality

I loved this article. Here is a synopsis of it.

Become Like a Little Child

Jesus wants us to be without pretense when we come to him in prayer. Instead, we often try to be something we aren’t. We begin by concentrating on God, but almost immediately our minds wander off in a dozen different directions. The problems of the day push out our well-intentioned resolve to be spiritual. We give ourselves a spiritual kick in the pants and try again, but life crowds out prayer. We know that prayer isn’t supposed to be like this, so we give up in despair. We might as well get something done.

Thomas: Some of Us Are Just Not That Blessed

Tags

Bible, Christ, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, relationship, relationships, spirituality

Jesus didn’t allow any of his other disciples to touch Him after He was resurrected.

Only Thomas.

Why?!!

Something Many Will Not Understand…

Tags

12-step, abstinence, Anxiety, child abuse, Diaphragmatic breathing, God, Health, Jesus, Mental health, Posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma

Because of childhood abuse and a vicious attack, I have been dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in therapy since my 20’s. I am in my 50’s now. But in November of 2010, my God (whom I call Papa; Pops for short) stepped in and released me from something attached to this PTSD, that was transforming.

The Voice of Our Shepherd

Tags

Bible, demons, God, guns, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, listening, relationship, Satan, Sheep, Shepherd, spirituality, thankfulness, violence, voice

A post, by the author of “Follow His Light“ inspired me to write my own experience with this.

*  *  *

I am a sheep.

I used to be a ram, but now I am a sheep and I am glad to be one. I grew up in ramsville and was taught the ways of ram-hood by father and mother. Dad and mom were gods, and they told us… all their children… we were to be rams.

My “NEW” God

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, religion, spiritual, testimony

My father was a powerful, powerful, undiagnosed, mentally unbalanced man. In fact, even to this day, I have never met a more powerful human being on this planet.

When I was a little kid he used to twirl me around by my arm like a helicopter and beat me while screaming stuff at me. I don’t remember what the stuff was he screamed at me because I was terrified I would be killed =accidentally= by getting my neck broken.

Our Father Weeps

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, christianity, cooties, crying, Father-God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, rabies, relationship, spiritual, weep

Along with many, many others, this is for my blogging buddy:  Graeme
who writes posts that inspired me to write this.

A warning. This is very base. It was difficult to write; difficult to expose. But I felt led to write it and publish it because I think it’s necessary for others to understand how deeply Father-God loves us. His love for us goes deeper than we could ever, ever comprehend.

  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *