I was laying in bed thinking. Why am I so anxious around everybody all the time? 100% of the time I am anxious around every person I come in contact with. Then something occurred to me as I was rubbing Joshy’s belly. Why don’t I feel love for my dogs? All they seem to me to be is – responsibility.
I am responsible for them having good lives. My life doesn’t matter, whether I have a good one or a bad. The only thing that matters is if their life is a good and happy one. So I took it a bit further with some curiosity (as Nancy Napier suggests) rather than just push the feelings away as far as I can. Something came of doing this curious observing. I feel responsible for other’s happiness, even my dogs. Forget me and my happiness, the only thing that counts is others. And it’s all about dad. I was laser focused on doing my utmost to make him happy – so he wouldn’t come after me. If he was happy I was safe. It never worked, my trying to make him happy by being ‘the best daughter a father could ever have’. He was eternally upset and took it out on me viciously. I’m really involved in this feeling right now. Being responsible as a way to insure my safety. I’m programed for this in a very deep way and it comes out as anxiety around everyone. I have to make everyone I meet happy so they (dad) won’t come after me and do me in. But, no matter how hard I try – I see myself failing as I did with him and so I’m constantly ‘unsafe’. Because of so much failure with him, I feel like I’ve lost the race even before I get out of the starting gate.
What a hard way for a person to live. Right now I feel like all hope for me is lost. I can’t see how I’m EVER going to get out of this deep deep well I live in. My heart aches right now. It just aches.