I watched LaFemme Nikita on TV tonight. It’s a totally weird show about the authorities not caring a twit about their ’employees’ lives, whether they live or die. Those in charge blatantly use people who were former prisoners and treat them as though they weren’t worth a nickel. I so related to that. It got to me and added umph to my feelings of worthlessness already. As a child I felt like I wasn’t worth a nickel either. I feel totally worthless. Just like when I was growing up. I hope the ACA meeting will continue and not fold. I need ACA people. I want to call Anne but it’s 10 pm and she’s pretty old. I don’t want to be waking her up for such a stupid reason. I want to talk to someone about what happened today with Gordon and how I keep messing up and messing up with AA people. No matter how I try I keep messing up with them. I don’t belong in AA anymore. I have no desire to drink – at all. Isn’t that what AA is all about, trying not to drink? Why are they still in it? They help newcomers. But I don’t help anyone. I got a little bit of sponsorship in the beginning and I think I’d like to return the favor but it’s just not happening. Never will be for me. Though I’ll never drink again (I am a teetotaler when it comes to booze now) I should be out in the world with normees or ACA’s – or nowhere.
When I tried to kill myself the last time I said I ‘got a word’ from God about that being the end of the suicide obsession. But really, it was my own doing – because I knew my fear of death was always going to be bigger than my desire for it. So I think I made that whole thing up about God having ‘a good talk’ with me. But it did the trick no matter how it came across, whether it was God or just me talking to myself. I’ve dealt with this rejection from the human race all my life beginning with my father at my birth. I just can’t take any more of it. I don’t know what to do with all this rejection. It makes me feel so sub-human. What’s wrong with me???!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I being so rejected all the time? Is it because of my lisp? What is it??? I can’t ask anyone. I’m so afraid they will reject me or just not tell me the truth and I will have stuck my neck out for nothing. I asked hubby if he was ashamed of the way I shared and he said no but is he just being nice? How could he be so non-rejecting of me and every darned other soul is?
Does anyone out there feel rejected by the world? Can you comment on this post so I don’t have to feel so alone?