My Take on A.A.’s Twelve Steps

For most of my sober time I have not really been able to identify with the Steps as AA has laid them out. As a Bipolar person with ton’s of PTSD, here is how using the Steps makes sense to me today. I don’t apply then to drinking anymore as 34 years of recovery from alcohol has pretty taken this off the table. Now I have the ‘left-overs’ from the drinking to deal with… my ugly, messed up feelings that make life so hard for me.

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On Being “Outdoors”

I just realized something about myself. I love, love, love being outdoors. Just being out of the house.

We recently had a huge deck put in on the back of the house. It’s the full length of the house and 12 feet wide and it has a lattice cover on it with a railing all around. It’s as big as two big rooms. I put a six-chair black wrought iron table out on it; a double rocker and a nine-foot hammock. I’m out there everyday for hours at a time… just swinging in my hammock with my two little doggies.

I’m just loving it!!

Now I finally know why. It’s because nothing bad happened to me when I was outside. All the abuse and horror happened…

inside the house!!!

 Is there anybody else out there in blog-world
who has this same sensation?

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

Tags

abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

Song: Sundown

Tags

art, gordon lightfoot, music, song, sundown

by Gordon Lightfoot –

 

Song: Mony Mony

Tags

art, billy idol, mony mony, music, shondells, song, tommy james

originally by Tommy James and the Shondells – 1968
sung here by Billy Idol

Song: Let Her Go

Tags

art, Let Her Go, music, Passenger, song

by Passenger

Profound help for people pleasers…

The quote in the third paragraph here is the most profound view I have ever read when it comes to dealing with rude people.

Song: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

Tags

500 miles, aidan quinn, art, benny and joon, I'm gonna be 500 miles, johnny depp, mary stuart masterson, movie, music, proclaimers, song

By the Proclaimers

Soundtrack for the movie “Benny and Joon”
with Johnny Depp, Mary Stuart Masterson,
Aidan Quinn, Julianne Moore

A Word Portrait of My Insane Father

Tags

Addiction, child abuse, dad, Family, Father, father's day, home, mental illness, neglect, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, trauma, violence

Happy Father’s Day.

I went to church as usual this morning thinking we were going to be taught more about the book of Romans. Well it turned out that they decided to devote the whole service to fathers and what a good father was supposed to be like. I cried a lot feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand sitting there listening to all the goody-two-shoes of it all. It was all very hard to stomach so I got up and left early. I didn’t care what anybody thought about my leaving. I know Christians aren’t supposed to swear, but if any of them didn’t like it, well… screw them.

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More Problems… Damn It!!!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, compulsive overeating, cutting, homicide, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, Suicide, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

Another problem has started to rear it’s ugly head in this
no-addictions / no-obsessions trial.

!@!@!@ CRAP  @!@!@!

That’s all I can say…. Crap… Crap… Crap… and Damn It!!

I want this to be over.

I’m tired of being on the tracks… being hit by so many trains.

I want to get well!  And NOW!!!

I don’t want to be doing this anymore!

Opposites: Heaven & Earth

Tags

Christian, christianity, earth, God, heaven, inspiration, Paradigm shift, rules, spirituality

Have you ever wondered why God’s commands work directly opposite to the way the world works?

I have wondered and wondered about all the =opposites= the Bible talks about, for a very long time.

With the help of some of my blogging buddies, these are some of the ones we came up with.

I don’t understand it, but when I do as God’s directs, something happens inside….

…something wonderful…..

I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. But when I do a thing God’s way, something inside…

…tingles with excitement….

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Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

Song: Rolling in the Deep

Tags

Adele, music, Rolling in th Deep, song

By Adele

It starts slow, but keep listening

Song: Romeo and Juliette

Tags

blog, dire straights, music, romeo and juliette, song, YouTube

By Dire Straights

 

Song: Every Breath You Take

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blog, every breath you take, music, song, the police, YouTube

By Sting of the Police

Song: The Long Way Home

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blog, long way home, music, song, Super Tramp, YouTube

By Super Tramp

Song: Give a Little Bit

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blog, give a little bit, mustic, song, Super Tramp, you tube

By Super Tramp

Song: Logical Song

Tags

blog, logical song, music, song, Super Tramp, YouTube

by Super Tramp

Song: Somebody that I Used to Know

Tags

Depression, goyte, music, somebody that I used to know, song, YouTube

by Goyte

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.