Putting It All Together – Part 1

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Self Hatred  )

As I’ve worked on this and worked on this, it’s feeling more and more ~book-length~ I think. I put a lot of effort into it in an attempt to make it as short and concise as possible. If you are a person experiencing life as one long test of endurance, I hope you decide to read the whole thing. My hope is that you’ll find it meaty, innovative, and exceedingly helpful in relieving your emotional pain and existential angst… thoroughly and forever. I mean it: … thoroughly… and… forever. This is what happened to me.

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Putting It All Together – Part 2

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 1  )

I’ve been doing a lot of extensive research on the destructive-type of Introject and discovered that I have an extremely destructive Introject of my father in me. What’s more, I have no positive Introjects in my childhood to balance out the forceful influence this crazed, destructive Introject wielded over me… None… I am an extreme example. I really should have died long ago; squashed flat under all my Introjects’ gigantically destructive weight.

Putting It All Together – Part 3

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 2  )

Besides dealing with the destructive Introject that was close to killing me, I am also a severe alcoholic. At 25 years old I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day, and though I tried with all my might, I could not stop. The very first hint of my process began when I surrendered myself to AA, 34 years ago. It was AA meetings and a ‘mother’ sponsor that actually gave me the ability to stop using the substance alcohol. For me, alcohol was my primary addiction. Although I have had to deal with a lot of other addictions and obsessions, I call alcohol my ‘primary’ because it was what I ran to first for soothing and for helping me feel better.

Putting It All Together – Part 4

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 3  )

Page 58 of the A.A. “Big Book” * states…

There are those too,
who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders,
but many of them do recover,
if they have the capacity to be honest.

[* The main text used for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.]

Putting It All Together – Part 5

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

The previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 4  )

There are a myriad of substances and obsessions people use in this world to soothe and comfort themselves. Some of these are particularly hard to label or put a finger on (for example: one’s children). I believe almost everyone of us on this planet runs to an earthly substance or obsession to help us cope with the problems we face. Not everyone, but I would say 95% of us.

Putting It All Together – Part 6

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 5)

I think it was about the timing. God’s timing. I guess He thought I was finally ready to go to the next level. For me, this has been a 34 year journey, but I’ve been stumbling around in completely darkness looking for an answer. I don’t believe other’s will have to take this long though, if they can follow the trail I have blazed here.

Putting It All Together – Part 7

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 6 )

But it took a bit of time to get there; from studying about them to being able to work with them. Happily however, I was aided by a blind-siding crisis. About nine months into the alcoholic-foods abstinence (the next addiction in line behind the alcohol) and six months off the cigarettes; a very dear friend of mine told me to… take a hike.

Putting It All Together – Part 8

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 7  )

Through my reading about the Introject, I came to understand that positive Introjects arise from mature caretakers. However, the destructive type can sound like the voice of authority, but really, it is essentially immature as it arises from immature and frightened authorities who are by the way, are also tormented by their own destructive immature Introjects. This destructive Introject business is passed down through generations and through contact with almost all messed up people. In my own personal experience, I’ve found that the Introject entity can be extremely contagious.

Putting It All Together – Part 9

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 8  )

The best way I know of to handle this type of destructively loud, deceptively parent-like, but actually child-like Introject, is through the act of ‘soothing’ to calm it down from it’s frightened state. What’s more, because my main Introject is so strong that there are no other ~parts~ inside me strong enough to do the amount of powerful soothing necessary to keep it calmed down.

Putting It All Together – Part 10

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 9   )

It was a very small hole I had to squeeze through then, but now as I look back, I can see much more clearly the necessity of developing a relationship with a Loving God. Since then, I’ve analyzed this thoroughly, in a scientific way, so let me make my case to you before you close me out completely. This is not to proselytize! I’m not at all trying to make Christians out of you. We all deserve to give others the utmost respect for their religious and spiritual choices.

Putting It All Together – Part 11

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 10   )

And, I believe most adults severely abused as children, are also in the same boat as I was when it came to the concept of Love.

Putting It All Together – Part 12

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(The previous post in this series is here:   Putting It All Together – Part 11   )

I’m using this Spiritually-Connected-Adult (which I have been enlarging and developing through many unconditional, loving interactions with my Higher Power) in a relaxed, subliminal, low-level, ~get out of the way~ kind of meditation all day long. Whatever I’m doing… I’m at the same time (or between times, if you’re not a multi-tasker **) … keeping this Spiritually-Connected-Adult-Part of me secluded… out of the world’s view. This is a completely private process between me, my Introjects, and my God. No one else can in any way be involved.

What Is This Thing They Call… Forgiveness?

“When she learned this,
love poured into her life
like a flood.”

This happened in 1987 but she never, ever will forget the lesson she learned through this experience.

Self-Hatred

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, self-hate, self-hatred, spiritual

  (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

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At last… a very short post!

Feeling Life Naked; With No Addictive Substances or Obsessive Behaviors

Tags

Addictions, child abuse, crisis, Family, friendship

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )

As I’m wading through this crisis (my good friend telling me to take a hike), I’m now utterly determined not to resort to any addictions or obsessions while experiencing the pain. I seem to be going through a lot of emotional metamorphoses. I’m both deep inside them and, at the same time, (as a scientific behaviorist) observing them from without. I know that the book on this journey though crisis without the use of addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, has just gotten started. Right now I’m roller-coasting at break neck speed.  Here is what I’ve been feeling so far.

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I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

How to Get Deep Inner Healing for a Negative Emotion

Tags

adult-self, child self, Christ, Christian, christianity, conversation, God, spirituality, trust

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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This is to be done ~ A-La ~Theophostic~ Style:

You have to have an unconditionally-loving-adult-self to do this. If you aren’t sure you know what being unconditionally Loved feels like, then you most likely have never experienced it.

But that’s ok though.
I never had it, but I was able to get it.
So, so can you!!

jack-in-the-box moments

a nut's notes

People have been asking me for this story again.  I have combined the two posts so they can be read together.

One Friday morning in 2009, my life was drastically changed. The week before had been filled with Jack-in-the Box moments. These are moments where life jumps out at you and scares you silly. I never did like that toy and can’t even imagine working at a factory that makes them. The song it plays – “Pop Goes the Weasel”- warns you that Jack is about to pop out so you try to prepare yourself for his sudden appearance. Being prepared doesn’t help. I always jump. That Friday morning I was weary from jumping.

On Monday we were a family of four; by Friday we were down to three. On Monday I was a minister’s wife; by Friday he had been fired. On Monday, we were upper middle class; by…

View original post 882 more words

Exodus 20:2-4 – Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )
At the bottom of this post is a link to the next one.

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Exodus 20:2-4…

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.

These are the verses I’m totally laser-focused on right now. I am doing my level best to live by them. Suddenly I can see their profound meaning for our current times – as clear… as… day. To put it mildly, the rewards for making God my main man, are astonishingly miraculous.

Please find…

Jeremiah 33:3

*  *  *

HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU RECOGNIZE IN YOURSELF?

My Take On CoDependency

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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How I look at co-dependency:

Co-dependency is an addiction that I have used in place of my dependence on God. When I relate to people in a co-dependent way, I am shifting my dependence – from God – to other people. I’m using other people’s admiration of me to soothe my ‘introject’, instead of getting this soothing directly from God Himself. It seems easier to turn to people rather than toward God. Reaching out to things in this physical world is much easier than having to reach toward the spiritual One who’s big enough to fix anything. When you’re trying to reach for the spiritual world, you have to stretch more to make this connection.

The next post in this series is here:   Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice (Exodus 20:2-4)

This is What ‘jumping the tracks’ Looks Like

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, New Testament, obsession, Paul, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast  )

In the saga of: “Living Life With No Addictions or Obsessions”, my journey continues.

The last few days I’ve been full to the brim with fear. Terrified really.

Co-Dependence: I Can’t Talk About It

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, co-dependence, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

So far, I’ve been pretty good about working on my goal of “You Shall Have No Other God’s Before Me” (the 1st commandment in the Bible). So far so good.

But a couple of days ago, I jumped the tracks. I got a little bit back into co-dependence.

‘Out In The Field’ With God

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Holy Spirit, Paradigm shift, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

Hi Pastor D & K,   (both of them are therapists)

(sorry this is so long – I couldn’t make it any shorter and still say what I needed to say).

I’ve been out in the field with God for a long time, but have taken many long, long  ‘breaks’ (through various addictions) from my studies. Though I’ve been freed from alcohol obsession for 34 years, I’ve been substituting many other secondary addictions to take it’s place. I could not stop these other addictions myself, so I’ve been praying, for all my sober 34 years, to have these other addictions removed. With all my heart, I’ve wanted “No other gods before God”.

Well, This is a Suprise

(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

I’m going through yet another ‘phase’ in my addiction/obsession free experiment. This one is a little scary, so it seems. But I’m beginning to see that these are just phases I must go through on my way to wellness. And I’m going through each one at lightening speed.

I’m bipolar and I have a sneaking suspicion I’m beginning to dive head-long into a full-blown manic attack. Even though I take a bunch of pills to put me out, I was laying in bed for hours last night, stark raving awake; my mental motor pushed to full throttle.

Steps 6 & 7 – of the 12 Steps of A.A.

Tags

Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Step 7, Step6, trauma

(The first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

In giving up all my addictions and obsessions, this is where I’ve come to so far.

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A Brutally Honest E-Mail I Sent To My AA Friend

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, drugs, God, mental illness, PTSD, sobriety, trauma, violence

(I wrote this e-mail to an AA friend/sponsor, after waking up at 4 am from out of the haze of several very tricky victim dreams. I have used tricks in the past to deal with these types of dreams, but this time they were so tricky that none of the tricks I’ve used, to neutralize them, worked. This is why I decided to get up and write this e-mail to my AA friend.)

Here’s Some Good Stuff – To Balance Things Out

( The first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I wrote some pretty downer stuff on my last post, so I’m going to balance it out with some of the good stuff I’ve gotten so far on this addiction/obsession free journey.

Do Children Copy Their Parents Emotions?

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional abuse, Family, Father, mental illness, neglect, Parent, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, verbal abuse, violence

The first post of this series is here:   On Being A Social Outcast

I’m writing today because I don’t know what else to do right now in this addiction-free, obsession-free experiment. I’m tired. I do know that. I’m beginning to see that there’s going to be a lot of work involved in keeping my introject-father ** (the ‘father’ I still carry inside me) at peace. I need to both soothe and reward him… all…the… time… or he gets freaked out again. I don’t know if I can get rid of him altogether. I wish I could. The problem is that his personality encompasses 90% of who I am. He injected himself into me so deeply that there’s almost nothing of a ‘me’ in me. This is how it seems to be as far as I can see… so far. Maybe, one day, I’ll actually be able to be a ‘me’ and not just a ‘him’.

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, God, space, time, transformation

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

I’ve Accidently Unburied Something Priceless

Tags

child abuse, Family, feelings, God, Love, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

I hope this makes some sense to those of you who are reading this. Now that I’m no longer living in the pitch blackness of addictions, I’ve had a revelation this morning of gigantic proportions.  In the bright light of day, I am seeing someone brand new that I didn’t even know existed.

It’s A Strange New World

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, personality integration, PTSD, recovery, sobriety, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Begin A Social Outcast )

I used to have difficult feelings of aloneness and rejection because of being mostly alone here in blog-world, but this is changing. I still feel like I’m pretty much alone here, but since the ability to God/Self Soothe has ‘clicked in’ (by going through what I did the last 2 months) I’m definitely holding within myself, a dramatically different view of this aloneness. I think what I’ve been doing so far has really pushed me around the corner in my ability to adapt to inner and outer stresses. I really do believe I’ve come to a place where God is truly my ‘center’ – for everything.