I Escaped the Suicide Machine

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, birds, christianity, death, Faith, God, grief, inspiration, Mental health, religion, Suicide

I feed wild finches and over the last month or so I’ve been watching them die little by little.

                                                                                                                                    

I’ve been grieving over the deaths of my beautiful birds and, though I feed them in trays on the ground, there’s dog shit around the area. Yesterday I realized that it’s probably been the dog shit that’s been killing them. They’ve had to tramp around in dog shit. I wept and screamed about it all the way home from a meeting I was at. When I got home I promptly picked up all their dishes in a tub so as not to spill any of the seed on the ground; brought them all in the house; washed them and put them outside on the other side of the yard where the dogs don’t shit. But it’s pretty much too late for the birds. Most of them are already dead. I’m so so so sad. It really really hurts.

I used to be very suicidal and this sort of thing could have very well been the catalyst to push me over the edge. It put me in that amount of grief. But today I’m no longer that way. I’m no longer on the suicidal merry-go-round. How did I get off that machine? I’m a suicidaholic and I don’t attempt suicide one day at a time… no matter what. With that attitude I’ve been forced to get better – or else suffer in great, great agony from my own torturous thoughts.

Since I didn’t try to take my life over this, here’s what happened next.

I talked to my friend Kathy about it and she said that she had a book on grieving pet loss now which she’s just starting to get into counselling about. She gave me a copy of the book to read and we’re going to get together to work on this. God has my back – as usual.

He’s coming through for me. He loves me and is taking care of my pain.

Thank you Pops.

(and God said)

I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten.

   Joel 2:25

I’ve had it hard for many years of my life but for a while now, actually since a couple of years after I put the suicide down, life’s been good to me for the most part. I have my up’s and down’s as most do but it’s nothing like it used to be.

In the midst of this heart-ache with the birds, today,  this is the sort of thing with my friend Kathy that I pay more attention to. God coming through for me in the form of her help.

I want to talk about the ‘torture’ I mentioned above. Ever since childhood I had developed a very bad habit of thinking. I would nurture all the bad aspects of life and pass over all the good. If it was bad it warranted much attention but if it was good it didn’t warrant even a second’s thought. I had a laser focus for nasty.

This business with the birds is an example of how ‘cherishing the good and passing over the bad’ works for me. I don’t ignore the bad. Grief has to be addressed and dealt with until it is healed. But I don’t cherish it or nurse it like I used to. However, learning this new way of thinking was a long slow journey of baby steps from out of the blackness into the light. One small step of ‘cherishing each good thing like it was a rare coin’ at a time. Today, it’s a habit running so deeply in me that it’s become a part of my personality. I am no longer a suicidaholic. Not in the leastest, tiniest, littlest bit. Today, I can easily live life on this planet, not for just weeks, or months, but for decades – ‘for the long haul’.

The first step in this process of becoming suicide-free was, for me, from God giving me the heave hoe about stopping the suicide attempts. He told me “NO MORE!!!” And I knew in my heart that I was not going to be allowed to die no matter how hard I tried. Death was going to be outside my reach until He decided it was time for me to go. I no longer had any say in the matter. But I now believe that you don’t need an act of God to get to this step. Just like you don’t need an act of God to put down the drink. I think that putting down the weapons of suicide is the exact same thing as putting down the drink. It’s done one moment at a time – abstinently. You make it ‘just not an option’ anymore no matter how much you want to imbibe. And with that attitude you have to grow in spite of yourself. Eventually it will become a habit and you will become comfortable not doing it. To get comfortable you will find you are forced to make ‘attitude adjustments’ (as I’ve described above) in order to gain this comfort-ability. But making these attitude adjustments are as hard to do as changing the course of a battleship with a small rudder. It took me a tremendous amount of time and effort to overcome my family of origin message installed in me from when I first learned how to think.

Life is hard and then you die.

Such a simple message you would think. But it was a killer for me.

What Was Like for Me As An Alcoholic

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, adult children of alcoholics, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, destressing, emotional growth, Mental health, physiological conditions, stress, trauma

It was a very hard row to hoe for me to get sober. Very, very hard. I barely made it. It took everything I had to get and stay sober. Many times I almost lost this precious sobriety I hold so dear. Having alcoholism is horrible. It’s a horrible condition. It stunted my emotional and mental growth because of the way I metabolized it, I can only say this from the inside, I do not know what it’s like to be a non-alcoholic, but this is what I believe as an alcoholic.

I believe that it was my physiological body that was my downfall. I believe I was born with alcoholism. My first drunk was as a four years old when I was told I drained all the left over wine glasses from the Thanksgiving table and came into the living room drunk out of my gourd. Everyone laughed. They thought it was so funny.

I believe that, as an alcoholic, the way I metabolize booze in my body is unique. For me this is also true of sugar and white flour. It helped me sidestep the stresses that were necessary for my emotional growth from a child into an adult by removing these stresses from my body and mind, making them ‘disappear’ and putting me into instant la-la-land. Every time I drank it this effect happened instantly, so naturally I drank it as often as I could get my hands on it. When I wasn’t drinking it I was eating sugar/white flour. After all, who wants stress when you can get instant relief from it? Therefore on the outside I was physically growing up but on the inside I was staying a mentally and emotionally stunted child. I became what to all intensive purposes was a circus freak. A child mind in a grown-up body. Suddenly I found myself thrust into a grown-up world. And, here I was, face to face with the harsh realities of a grown-up world for which, as a stunted child, I was totally unprepared to cope.

This world of gown-ups demanded that I produce like a grown-up. No one could see me for the child I was inside. Meanwhile the way my body metabolized the booze was such that it continued to take the stress off of all this mess and to help me ‘feel better’ (de-stress) in regards to what was happening around me. More and more, the stresses kept piling up. First there was the day-to-day stresses that I’d evaded learning how to cope with but that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to evade them. Then there were the past stresses of the messes I’d created from my lack of coping skills and exacerbated by drunkenness. Then there were the future stresses that scared me half-to-death because the booze (sugar/white flour) had kept me from learning how to handle ‘future thinking’. On top of that there was the pain from childhood abuse that I was never able to properly process because the booze kept me from doing that correctly. All I could do with that was cry drunken tears for myself. And drunken tears never help process pain. Everyone I knew was either mad at me or didn’t want me around because I’d never learned out how to cope with people or with life. I knew I was a total failure at all of it and my self worth was in the gutter.

Meanwhile there was always the booze. Ahhhh the booze, and it’s allure.

I couldn’t stay away from it’s allure. I knew it would take all this horrible stress off my shoulders. It was so easy. It kept pressuring me;

“I will help you. I will help you. I will make you feel better and get you away from all this mess. Come to me and I can make it all go away for you…..”

But it’s promises always came up empty. The next morning reality would come back with a vengeance. More problems to deal with… even more stress to cope with. But then, after the waters calmed down there it was again, calling… always calling, pressuring me…. “I will help you…” Then I had to sober up to face hard, hard, reality again. Even the booze itself — my friend — played an evil part in adding to all the stress. Every time I ‘came to’ there it was… REALITY… right in my face again. Each time it became worse… and worse. More and more horrible. But then there was the booze again. The alluring booze that kept fooling me into thinking it was going to take the stress away but only added to it. Calling me. Pressuring me. Telling me this time it would really work! A merry-go-round of the macabre.

And it all started because of the way my body metabolized booze. It’s physiological and it’s horrible. I don’t think non-alcoholics metabolize booze the way alcoholics do. It doesn’t give them instant relief. I think they still must face life stress and grow up the way they’re supposed to grow up even if they drink alcohol or eat sugar/white flour during the process. I don’t think reality disappears when they drink booze or eat sugar/white flour the way it did when I drank or ate it. So they grow up and learn how to cope with life the way grown-ups are supposed to do.

When I got sober I had to learn life’s in’s-and-out’s and go through the whirling and stressful growing pains that children must endure to become normal adults while, at the same time, being a physical adult, I had to keep up with what life required of me in a grown-up world. It’s hard to go through growing pains as a youth but it’s murderous to have to do it in an old grown body. And even, 36 years later, it still is some times. Now I mostly don’t eat sugar or white flour and must grow up even more during that process.

This is not to excuse alcoholics for their behavior. It’s just a description of what it was like for me as one.

We had a Big Fight

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, fawning, fighting, freezing, friendship, Love, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, relationships

So my friend and I had a big fight and my head is reeling from it. I don’t do ‘friends’ with people and, to tell you the truth, in 60 years this is the first real friend who I’m starting to try to be real with in my life. That’s how much abuse I’ve had to deal with. I’ve been real with my husband but then we’re like two ships passing in the night with each other. There’s very little of anything between us and, to tell the truth, it’s been that way since we got married. Almost right away, he changed after we got married, but that’s another tale to tell for another time.

So my friend and I had a big big falling out and I just wanted to write about it and maybe get some advice from anyone out there who has had some friendship experience along with dealing with child abuse issues of their own.

My friend and I met in Al-Anon. She’s also an alcoholic like me with a lot of years sober. Before I go into what our problems are, I want to say that we have a lot in common and that there is a basis for some good connection between us. We are ‘reading buddies’ in that we read and study together. She likes to learn new things as much as I do which is rare these days. We just finished reading a book on western philosophy and now are tackling one on eastern philosophy. After this were going to go to work on doing a little physics. We both have no children for the same reasons and we both come from very abusive backgrounds. There is more between us too but that’s enough to say right now.

But I’m a ‘fawner/freezer’ and she’s a ‘fighter’ type in our responses to our abuse and to life’s realities in general. I hide (freeze) and people-please (fawn) while she just plain gets mad and yells for all she’s worth. This kind of makes me scared of her. I’m already scared to confront people and her fighting me makes it even scarier. One time I mentioned that she never hardly picked up the phone when I called and I always had to leave messages (which was true). She went ballistic. Told me it wasn’t true. How could it not be true? I’m the one who should know, after all I was the one leaving all the messages. But she fought me and I backed down. Eventually she decided it was because she was on the phone with other people and that’s why she didn’t answer it. It wasn’t the truth but I let it go, I wasn’t going to fight with her.

About the actual fight. It was more my fault – I think (but actually I have no idea since I’ve so confused by the whole thing). While we were reading our book, we got into a discussion about where babies come from. I said they essentially came from dirt. That plants grow from dirt, the mother eats the plants and grows the baby from the plants she eats. My friend went ballistic. She said that babies come from God. I said “No, they come from…” and re-iterated my point thinking that it was so obvious. Suddenly she said “I think you should go. I’m not going to be abused.” So she kicked me out of her house. I think I was being more dogmatic than I realized at the time. When I got home I called her and managed to get her to pick up the phone with a little coaxing on her message machine. We went around and around but I eventually saw that I was probably ‘channeling’ my father with his dogmatic attitude on her and that that wasn’t very nice. If she wanted to believe that babies came from God then that was her prerogative to believe that way and it wasn’t for me to ‘straighten her out’ like my father did to me.

But our relationship is progressing and I’m finding out that it’s getting more and more impossible for me to be as ‘nice’ as I’ve been when some of the things she does irritates me. Now she knows that I’m not her ‘perfect’ friend that she says she ‘loves’. The truth is that she doesn’t even know me so how can she love me? And she doesn’t seem to be interested in finding out who I am either. We share our ‘history’ with each other but it’s not really ‘with each other’, it’s more that she shares and I listen (I’m a fawner and fawners are good listeners). I hate when someone says they love you but are not interested in finding out who the person is that they say they love.

So I have this friend who I very much like to hang out with (I don’t love her – that word is sacred to me). But who is a fighter and not that interested in finding out who I am but likes the ‘perfect friend’ who is me.

What do you think? I’d be very interested in some advice.

Finding It Hard to Love

Tags

book, C-PTSD, C-PTSD from surviving to thriving, child abuse, Family, friendship, God, Love, peter walker, PTSD, relationship

I’m reading a very good book by Peter Walker called “C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving“. (C-PTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse). A couple of friends from Al-Anon told me about it and I finally picked it up and am reading it. Fascinating and horrifying at the same time. To put it mildly, it’s hot. He uses words like ‘miserable’, ‘tormenting’, ‘having little use for (a child)’, ‘routinely ridiculed’, ‘minimal nurturing’, ‘dangerous’, ‘bitter’, ‘sarcastic’, ‘parental betrayal’, etc. This man knows about C-PTSD from personal experience and 30 years of working with victims of this condition. The book also contains a lot of ‘solution’, not just description of the ‘problem’ like so many self-help books do.

What is it with you People??!!!

Tags

Addiction, Children, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, Family, parenthood, PTSD, relationship, trauma

Now-a-days it seems like almost everyone is
having children with the plan to
“Play Parent” for a couple of weeks;
then go right back to work again, shipping their
new born infants off to some cold, uncaring
daycare organization.

What is it with you people?!!

No wonder our youngsters are getting
more and more demented every year.

Children need loving PARENTS to grow up
straight and true!

So what’s the matter with you??!!!

You say; “I can’t afford not to work.”

Well, if you can’t afford not to work,
then what the hell are you having children for
in the first place if you can’t afford them??!!!

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –

Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

What To Do With Sin-Trauma

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, sin, trauma, violence

When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …

Let us make man-kind
in our image.

God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …

For men are made
in God’s own image.

It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).

A Very Interesting Thing Happened Today

Tags

child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, trauma, violence

Something very interesting happened tonight that I thought you would like to hear about. I’m taking training to be on the Crisis Call Center hotline. This evening we did role playing with the trainers for the first time in the training. Well I did a pretty piss-poor job of it and the feed-back I got from the others showed that too. This would have been a perfect ‘set up’ for me to rail against myself you think, wouldn’t it? This would have been the perfect situation for the ‘ugly voices’ to have come at me – enforce.

I Don’t Care Much for Love

Tags

child abuse, Christian, christianity, compassion, complex ptsd, God, Love, PTSD, trauma

(an e-mail I sent to my pastor in response to the sermon he gave today. Regarding something he talked about that made me think on the word – compassion.)

*  *  *

I want to say more about the word “love”. I just don’t care much for that word. It’s been bandied about too much. Like an old wad of crumpled duct tape. It’s kind of useless anymore.

I love potato chips (?)

I mean. Come on!

But – compassion….

Attachment to God? HELP!!

Tags

attachment disorder, childhood trauma, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, Genesis 1:26, God, PTSD, relationship, spiritul, trauma

What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?

I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.

Something to Think About

Tags

complex ptsd, Love, PTSD, trauma

Until a person recovers from the shock of being physically traumatized, they have absolutely no capacity to either give or receive love. The trauma forces all their faculties to focus inward to deal with the trauma and so they can not be reached. I believe this same understanding can be applied to the shock of psychological trauma as well. All the faculties are focused inward trying to deal with the trauma. This is what I know from my own experience anyway.
—

About This “Self-Soothing” Thing

Tags

child abuse, infant trauma, self-soothing, trauma shock

More on the ‘no addictions’ journey…

Well I’ve tried the ‘self-soothing’ thing many times before, and for many years. People have told me of it’s importance more than a few times in my life. But it never really took. Not really. I wanted to do it. It sounded like a great idea. But I only was able to do it by rote – robotic like. Needless to say, it didn’t help anything.

God in Me

Tags

complex ptsd, God, inner healing, PTSD, spirit, wisdom

As I continue to stumble onward along this ‘no addiction’ journey…

Let Us make man-kind in Our Image.

Genesis 1:26

(It says: “All Mankind” – not just Christians)

When I was made, God placed in me a piece of Himself. A ‘fragment’ of Himself if you will. Then He went along His way doing what He does. Creating things and such.

Holding the Baby

Tags

childhood trauma, complex ptsd, dr spock, PTSD, trauma

This is a continuation of a previous post: HERE

I woke up very early this morning. Dread from the trauma memory weighed heavy on my heart. “What to do with all this new information? How am going to get out from under all this trauma as an infant? How am I going to deal with this? How?”

Intense Paranoia

Tags

child abuse, child neglect, dr spock, Paranoia, trauma

As I continue to trudge my ‘no-addictions’ journey, I came to this…

On Saturday I was roped into going to a party. My ‘friend’ roped me in by asking me if I could help her out with plates, utensils, etc. She was so insistent that I eventually caved. So I went.

I hate parties and here’s the reason why. They cement the knowledge I carry inside, that no body likes me. No body. One more time, I wound up sitting all by myself. Everyone was grouped up and I was sitting alone.

An E-Mail I Sent to My Therapist

Tags

attachment disorder, child abuse, complex ptsd, PTSD, rad, trauma

I sent this e-mail to my therapist and I thought you might be interested in it too.

Please see the post:  HERE– to further understand what I’m talking about.

*  *  *

Dear Elizabeth,

About the attachment disorder thing. I was thinking on the way home about what I know about it from the inside. This is what came up.

I Can’t Connect

Tags

AA, abstinence, abuse, Addiction, alcholism, anti-social, attachment disorder, Christian, christianity, connection, God, rad, surrender

I continue on in my quest as an addict into the world of no addictions.

It’s been officially a year now since I put the sugar down; six months since the cigarettes. I’m digging deep into my psyche. It started out with curiosity. I’ve been desperate to know… “Through practicing all these addictions, what the heck have I been running away from so hard?” Now it’s come to take on a life of it’s own. Here’s where I  now.

Her

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, character defects, complex ptsd, exercise, Family, junk food, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, Theophostic, TPM

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

Tags

abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

A Word Portrait of My Insane Father

Tags

Addiction, child abuse, dad, Family, Father, father's day, home, mental illness, neglect, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, trauma, violence

Happy Father’s Day.

I went to church as usual this morning thinking we were going to be taught more about the book of Romans. Well it turned out that they decided to devote the whole service to fathers and what a good father was supposed to be like. I cried a lot feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand sitting there listening to all the goody-two-shoes of it all. It was all very hard to stomach so I got up and left early. I didn’t care what anybody thought about my leaving. I know Christians aren’t supposed to swear, but if any of them didn’t like it, well… screw them.

*  *  *

More Problems… Damn It!!!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, compulsive overeating, cutting, homicide, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, Suicide, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

Another problem has started to rear it’s ugly head in this
no-addictions / no-obsessions trial.

!@!@!@ CRAP  @!@!@!

That’s all I can say…. Crap… Crap… Crap… and Damn It!!

I want this to be over.

I’m tired of being on the tracks… being hit by so many trains.

I want to get well!  And NOW!!!

I don’t want to be doing this anymore!

Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.

Putting It All Together – Part 1

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Self Hatred  )

As I’ve worked on this and worked on this, it’s feeling more and more ~book-length~ I think. I put a lot of effort into it in an attempt to make it as short and concise as possible. If you are a person experiencing life as one long test of endurance, I hope you decide to read the whole thing. My hope is that you’ll find it meaty, innovative, and exceedingly helpful in relieving your emotional pain and existential angst… thoroughly and forever. I mean it: … thoroughly… and… forever. This is what happened to me.

* * *

Putting It All Together – Part 2

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 1  )

I’ve been doing a lot of extensive research on the destructive-type of Introject and discovered that I have an extremely destructive Introject of my father in me. What’s more, I have no positive Introjects in my childhood to balance out the forceful influence this crazed, destructive Introject wielded over me… None… I am an extreme example. I really should have died long ago; squashed flat under all my Introjects’ gigantically destructive weight.

Putting It All Together – Part 3

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 2  )

Besides dealing with the destructive Introject that was close to killing me, I am also a severe alcoholic. At 25 years old I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day, and though I tried with all my might, I could not stop. The very first hint of my process began when I surrendered myself to AA, 34 years ago. It was AA meetings and a ‘mother’ sponsor that actually gave me the ability to stop using the substance alcohol. For me, alcohol was my primary addiction. Although I have had to deal with a lot of other addictions and obsessions, I call alcohol my ‘primary’ because it was what I ran to first for soothing and for helping me feel better.

Putting It All Together – Part 4

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 3  )

Page 58 of the A.A. “Big Book” * states…

There are those too,
who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders,
but many of them do recover,
if they have the capacity to be honest.

[* The main text used for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.]

Putting It All Together – Part 5

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

The previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 4  )

There are a myriad of substances and obsessions people use in this world to soothe and comfort themselves. Some of these are particularly hard to label or put a finger on (for example: one’s children). I believe almost everyone of us on this planet runs to an earthly substance or obsession to help us cope with the problems we face. Not everyone, but I would say 95% of us.

Putting It All Together – Part 6

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 5)

I think it was about the timing. God’s timing. I guess He thought I was finally ready to go to the next level. For me, this has been a 34 year journey, but I’ve been stumbling around in completely darkness looking for an answer. I don’t believe other’s will have to take this long though, if they can follow the trail I have blazed here.

Putting It All Together – Part 7

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 6 )

But it took a bit of time to get there; from studying about them to being able to work with them. Happily however, I was aided by a blind-siding crisis. About nine months into the alcoholic-foods abstinence (the next addiction in line behind the alcohol) and six months off the cigarettes; a very dear friend of mine told me to… take a hike.

Putting It All Together – Part 8

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 7  )

Through my reading about the Introject, I came to understand that positive Introjects arise from mature caretakers. However, the destructive type can sound like the voice of authority, but really, it is essentially immature as it arises from immature and frightened authorities who are by the way, are also tormented by their own destructive immature Introjects. This destructive Introject business is passed down through generations and through contact with almost all messed up people. In my own personal experience, I’ve found that the Introject entity can be extremely contagious.

Putting It All Together – Part 10

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 9   )

It was a very small hole I had to squeeze through then, but now as I look back, I can see much more clearly the necessity of developing a relationship with a Loving God. Since then, I’ve analyzed this thoroughly, in a scientific way, so let me make my case to you before you close me out completely. This is not to proselytize! I’m not at all trying to make Christians out of you. We all deserve to give others the utmost respect for their religious and spiritual choices.

Putting It All Together – Part 11

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(the previous post in this series is here:  Putting It All Together – Part 10   )

And, I believe most adults severely abused as children, are also in the same boat as I was when it came to the concept of Love.

Putting It All Together – Part 12

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

(The previous post in this series is here:   Putting It All Together – Part 11   )

I’m using this Spiritually-Connected-Adult (which I have been enlarging and developing through many unconditional, loving interactions with my Higher Power) in a relaxed, subliminal, low-level, ~get out of the way~ kind of meditation all day long. Whatever I’m doing… I’m at the same time (or between times, if you’re not a multi-tasker **) … keeping this Spiritually-Connected-Adult-Part of me secluded… out of the world’s view. This is a completely private process between me, my Introjects, and my God. No one else can in any way be involved.

What Is This Thing They Call… Forgiveness?

“When she learned this,
love poured into her life
like a flood.”

This happened in 1987 but she never, ever will forget the lesson she learned through this experience.

Self-Hatred

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, self-hate, self-hatred, spiritual

  (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

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At last… a very short post!

Feeling Life Naked; With No Addictive Substances or Obsessive Behaviors

Tags

Addictions, child abuse, crisis, Family, friendship

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )

As I’m wading through this crisis (my good friend telling me to take a hike), I’m now utterly determined not to resort to any addictions or obsessions while experiencing the pain. I seem to be going through a lot of emotional metamorphoses. I’m both deep inside them and, at the same time, (as a scientific behaviorist) observing them from without. I know that the book on this journey though crisis without the use of addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, has just gotten started. Right now I’m roller-coasting at break neck speed.  Here is what I’ve been feeling so far.

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I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

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Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

How to Get Deep Inner Healing for a Negative Emotion

Tags

adult-self, child self, Christ, Christian, christianity, conversation, God, spirituality, trust

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

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This is to be done ~ A-La ~Theophostic~ Style:

You have to have an unconditionally-loving-adult-self to do this. If you aren’t sure you know what being unconditionally Loved feels like, then you most likely have never experienced it.

But that’s ok though.
I never had it, but I was able to get it.
So, so can you!!

Exodus 20:2-4 – Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )
At the bottom of this post is a link to the next one.

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Exodus 20:2-4…

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.

These are the verses I’m totally laser-focused on right now. I am doing my level best to live by them. Suddenly I can see their profound meaning for our current times – as clear… as… day. To put it mildly, the rewards for making God my main man, are astonishingly miraculous.

Please find…

Jeremiah 33:3

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HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU RECOGNIZE IN YOURSELF?