Why I Haven’t Been Able to Meditate

Tags

blogging, life's riddle, meditation, personal blog, riddle to life, stickers, what life is all about

So I’m doing my darnedest to do a breathing meditation. It’s been 3 weeks so far. I know this because I have a calendar that I’m putting stickers on to mark the days I do it. So far I haven’t missed a single day. I haven’t missed because I don’t want any days on the calendar that don’t have a sticker on them. Tonight I managed to do it at 8:30 pm. I do it for half an hour in my computer chair with an MS Word document up that I can quickly jot down things I need to remember so I don’t have to hold them in my brain. It’s so difficult trying to do this meditation. Up til now my attempts have met with a 100% failure rate. But with the stickers as motivation, it’s finally coming together.

Legacy of the Heart

Tags

blog, blogging, book, child abuse, child abuse and neglect, legacy of the heart, neglect, wayne muller

The Book:  Legacy of the Heart

Author:  Wayne Muller

This is a very good book for adults abused/neglected as children. Most books of this type are lavish in their descriptions of abuse, but solutions to that dilemma are hard to come by. This book contains ‘solution’ throughout the entire book. Although, it might only be helpful though for those who have progressed somewhat in their healing, I found it to be superb.

Warning: Although, as a therapist, this author has much experience counseling abuse victims, and has much to say about Buddhism and Zen, he is a Christian minister and also alludes to the teachings of Jesus Christ. However, he’s not on the Jesus band wagon.

Haiku

Tags

blog, blogging, haiku

 

Old Pond

Frog jumps in

Plop!

 

 

(anonymous)

On being an ‘outsider’

Tags

being an outsider, book, Family, family roles, lost child role, Nancy Napier, recreating Your Self

(from my journal)

I was reading “Recreating Your Self” (Nancy Napier) where it talked about (pg 211) children having roles around their parents needs and interaction with each other and I was struck with how I fit into the family. I didn’t have a role to play at all. I only took abuse and shut up about it trying to make myself (though not very successfully) invisible. I didn’t ‘help’ my parents at all. I was not a part of the family at all. I was, and always will be, an outsider. I have a memory that just came up about going with mom on one of her daily walks. It was night and we were passing by the Pendergast’s house. We could see into their front window and watched the family all gathered together for dinner. We were outsiders looking in. For some reason this stuck with me deeply because it demonstrated, in living color, how much of an outsider I really am. Right there, I was an outsider – looking in.

Rejection

Tags

AA, ACA, alcoholism, child abuse, death, having value, la femme niketa, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, rejection, relationship, relationships, the heavens, TV show

I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.

It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.

I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.

Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.

So there it is.

Abortion – if you agree please re-blog this

Tags

Abortion, adoption, political policy, politics, pregancy, rape, Row -vs- Wade, Row Wade, supreme court, supreme court rulings, unwanted children, unwed mothers

All you who are fighting to ban abortion…

How many unwed mothers have you helped out?

How many unwanted babies have you adopted?

If it’s none, then QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!!!

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

Tags

abuse, child abuse, child within, Children, Family, impossible demands, insanity, interrogation, Marriage, no other gods, relationships, verbal abuse

I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.

Abortion – if you agree please re-blog this

Tags

Abortion, adoption, political policy, politics, pregancy, rape, Row -vs- Wade, Row Wade, supreme court, supreme court rulings, unwanted children, unwed mothers

All you who are fighting to ban abortion…

How many unwed mothers have you helped out?

How many unwanted babies have you adopted?

If it’s none, then QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!!!

Tuesday: 5 – 15 – 2018 – Dogs

Tags

all meat dog food, dog food, dog food companies, dogs, feeding pets, no grain dog food, pets

Tuesday: 5 – 15 – 2018

Tags

blog, highway 395, I-80, letter, politics, Reno Nevada, Republican, road construction, tax payer, us dept of transportation

U.S. Department of Transportation
1200 New Jersey Ave, SE
Washington, DC 20590

 

To whom it may concern,                                                 May 13,2018

 

I just heard on the news that I-80 is going to be ‘worked on’ around Keystone Ave to Robb Drive, Reno, Nevada and I just want to let you know that…

There’s nothing wrong with that piece of the interstate!

Nothing at all wrong with it.   NOTHING!!!!!!!!

Matthew Loomis talks about how to write a great blog

Tags

blogging, creating a great blog, Matthew Loomis, posting blogs, referencing an article

Here is the whole article I’ve written a summary of

Here is his website

Chewing Dogs

Tags

atheletes foot, atheletes foot cure, chewing dogs, dogs, pets, veterinarian, vets

Dear Veterinarian,

A couple of years ago I brought my dog Joshua in for a checkup. The vet looked at his red feet and told me he was chewing them (he has red saliva) because of lack of attention and that I should play with him more.

I had been giving Joshy lots of attention but he just kept chewing.

Then one day, as I was watching him chew furiously, I had a thought. I have athletes foot and it’s miserable. Maybe Joshy does too.

Well the way I keep my problem under control is to pee on my feet in the shower when they start to itch. Urine is great for keeping athletes foot under control (nothing that I know of kills it permanently).

So I decided I’d give this a try with Joshy. I peed in a cup and soaked each foot thoroughly – stretching out his toes to get between them – for 30 seconds or so. Then I shampooed them thoroughly  – stretching out his toes – with a skin conditioning shampoo (Joshy has very sensitive skin) to get the salt off.

Voila!!

No more chewing.

I’ve had to reapply this method when he starts in again because there’s no cure for athletes foot. But he has definitely stopped the chewing. And I thought I should let you know about this.

Ps: I don’t remember the name of the vet that told me about his experience with chewing dogs. It was a while ago.

Robin

Monday – 4-16-18

Tags

communication, fighting, fights, intimacy, Intimate relationship, Marriage, opportunity, relationship, relationships, taking charge

See this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Jerry and I had another opportunity to practice our ‘new way’ relationship. He was fixing something on my computer when I bent down in front of him to put a reminder post-it on my post-it board. At first he got a little flustered but he refrained from screaming. Instead, he told me that he was just about to hit a function key but I got in the way and he missed his opportunity. I said I was sorry profusely . Then I said that this was an example of my being scatterbrained. He said; “Oh, is that what it looks like”.. Then I said; “This is a shoulder moment”. So he gently took hold of my shoulders and said would I please get out of the way so he could do his work. Immediately, this I did. He doesn’t yet understand how to do this so I have to be the one who takes charge. After all, it was me who started the whole thing so I see it as only fair that I take the lead until he ‘gets it’. I just have to keep encouraging him to do what I said I needed.

I think that this new way of communicating is going to save our marriage.

Please read the next post for continuity

Sunday – 4-15-18 – part 2

Tags

asking for what I need, asking for what I want, asking for what you need, asking for what you want, communication, communication technique, fighting, follow through on a request, Marriage, relationship, stating what you want

Read this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Well Jerry and I had our first ‘break in’ with the new communication technique. He needed a little push to try the new way and I gave him what he needed.

We were talking about the problems with my computer (it was being restored from getting into very bad shape). At first he got frustrated with me but still acted in the old way trying hard not to raise his voice this time. But this isn’t the thing I had requested of him. So I had to instigate the new way by saying; “Honey, you aren’t doing what I asked you to do. Can you please do it the new way?” He immediately got into it – doing the new way I’d asked him to! It went as smooth as butter!!! It’s a new and strange way (to us) to interact so he just needed a little push. I also needed a little courage to take the lead and follow through with what I’d asked. It’s new and strange and so was uncomfortable to instigate at first.

I had to tell him what I needed!!!

It was hard to do but I did it – twice! Once when I wrote it down for him and again when the situation called for it to actually be carried out.

Asking for what I need is soooo hard for me! I don’t think I’ve ever done this as well as I have up to this point. Part of the problem we’ve been having is that I’ve never stated my needs clearly enough to the point where I can get them met. I stated them with both feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood up for myself – TWICE!!!

As far as communication goes, this time it’s going to be my way or the highway.

Continue to the next post for continuity

Sunday – 4-15-18

Tags

Anger, bullying, compromise, females, fights, give back button, intervention, males, Marriage, scatterbrained

(I wrote this to Jerry after a talk we had today)

                                                                                                                    .

This is what I need from you.

I WILL REMIND YOU TO READ THIS PAPER EVERY DAY

Saturday 4-14-18

Tags

back splash, contractor, grout, insanity, kitchen, kitchen mural, remodal, remodel, tile

So we’re in the middle of our kitchen remodel and we’ve come to the back splash. I don’t know any other word to use for this except INSANE! First I had the contractor put up black tile. I thought it was going to look like a good contrast. It turned out to be nothing but oppressive. I couldn’t stand it so I took the tiles off and had to scrape the mortar off the walls.

Then I went back to the tile we were originally going to use. A translucent gray green glass. With it I was going to have a mural put in over the stove. Well, the tile looked great but the mural turned out to be a totally clashing color to the tile. So I had the contractor pull the mural off and, again, I had to scrape all the gunk off the wall. Then I had to buy another mural but I chose 2 to compare and then send the other one back.

Then came the grout!!! Man! I think I went insane on this one. I went with stark white but has a reservation about this color, but I ignored my feeling and went with what the contractor said would look good. But when it got on the tile it was way to bright for the cream colored cabinets and the tan and brown marbled counter top. So, without telling the contractor or my husband Jerry (who I know would have told me no) I started to carve the fresh grout out so I could put another color in instead. But then Jerry and the contractor caught me doing this and both had a total hairy – which I don’t blame them – as I knew I was going INSANE with it all.

All I can say is back splashes are HARD to figure out. I’ve seen so many beautiful kitchens with back splashes that don’t fit in at all. Many, many, many. There are hardly any kitchen pictures with back splashes that fit the overall look of the kitchen.

By the way, I’m not going to use a mural after all. This whole thing is going to give me an ulcer. Also, Jerry said if I try to make any more changes he is going to leave for a month. I don’t blame him.

Wednesday 4-11-18

Tags

Bessel Van Der Kolk, divorce, EMDR, marriage problems, massage, masseuse, separation, The Body Keeps the Score, therapy

I had my EMDR therapy today. I’ve been reading this book my therapist gave me called; “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD (isbn # 9780670785933). It’s an excellent book on different types of therapy for PTSD victims and childhood abuse PTSD victims. I liked it a lot because he doesn’t just circle around the problem. Half the book is devoted to different kinds of therapy to help PTSD sufferers. One of them is EMDR. There’s a whole chapter devoted to it.

Anyway, I was in the middle of the EMDR session when my problem with Jerry’s screaming came up. My therapist said I didn’t have to live with that sort of thing. Well I’ve been living with it for 30 years now but when I got out of the session something broke inside. Suddenly I have the gumption to move out! I’ve been staying for nothing but financial reasons but the light dawned on this. Jerry and I could make it separately financially. With my inheritance, we paid off two houses and rent on out. I could move back to the rental and make Jerry pay me $600 out of his monthly retirement check. Then we’d both be about even money wise. I had a feeling of freedom.

At the same time this was going on in my head another thought popped in. I think this was from God. I need to get a massage therapy credential. I know I would be a good masseuse. My hands are always warm and dry no matter what the temperature is. And I’ve always gotten compliments from people I have given massages to. So that’s what I’m going to do. I looked up massage schools in the area and a very nice one came up. “Milan Institute” right here is town.

I have decided that after my next EMDR session I will sit Jerry down and tell him that he has 30 days to straighten up his act or I’m out of there by the next 30 since we have to give our renters 30 days notice. That’s a total of 60 days.

I want out of here so badly I can taste it. I want to have my own place that I can decorate just how I want. And I want to be a ladies masseuse. I am thinking I will make my home my base of operations and I will only do women. The idea of being in a house all alone with a man gives me the chills. I was raped when I was 22 and have been skittish about men ever since.

Monday 4-9-18

Tags

Alanon, computer, couples, fighting, Marriage, marriage problems

I haven’t written anything for a couple of days. Not because there wasn’t anything to write about. My computer broke down and I’m writing on my husband’s. Any way, a lot of water has passed under the bridge since I last wrote.

Jerry had a scream-fest on me – again. He was trying to fix my computer but only seemed to make it worse. I was on the phone with my sister who fixes her own computer herself. She made a suggestion about what a possible solution was but when I took it to Jerry he went berserk. He yelled at me for hours. I tried to yell back a little bit but that got me no where. AlAnon says that I’m just supposed to shine him on when he turns on me like that but I’ve only been able to not get sucked in a couple of times. Usually I try to reason with him, then yell back. We went to bed angry that night.

Sunday – 4-8-18

Jerry and I spent the whole day together. We had a lot to do. First we went to the noon Alano club AA meeting to see old Dave. He’s the secretary. I saw Terrina there who paid me $60 of the $300 she owes me. She left the meeting early so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. She’s avoiding me for some reason. Oh well. And so it goes on the relationship merry-go-round. I’m not at all good at relationships. I was eating licorice. which I’m sure she saw. I told her I was off junk food. I felt very ashamed of that.

Then Jerry and I went to the 2:00 AA meeting. The club has about 8 meetings a day there. I was asked to lead it. I did – reluctantly. The meeting turned out to be a dud. I let anyone share and only the weirdos took me up on my offer. It was totally out of control. Now I know why people call on people. I’ll never do that again. The first one to share when on for 10 minutes until I cut him off. He got all huffy with me and left. Someone when after him though and later he came back in an apologized.

We did some errands and had a fight about Jerry being late getting back to the car. I waited and waited and then went in to find him. I forgot I could call him!!! I can’t for the life of me know why I’d forget to do this. I went in looking for him and he came out while I was looking. He gave me the business for that. I can’t deal with it when he gets mad. He thinks nothing of letting me have it right between the eyes. I want to bite him and bite him and bite him. I can’t seem to keep my composure like I’m told in Al Anon.

We then went to our Bible study with young Dave. He’ a great Bible teacher and Jerry’s good friend. It was a very good meeting. On the way home, we talked a little bit. I wish I could leave Jerry but finances prevent me from doing that.

Saturday – 4-7-18

Jerry was trying to fix my computer and got in a real pickle over it. The he got mad at me to the point where I told him I was ready to bite him if he didn’t calm down. He was all upset about screwing it up and he took it out on me. Once again, I’m the scape-goat.

 

Friday – 4-6-18

Tags

12 Step Program, child abuse, Family, frustration, God, gratitude, journal, narcissist, rage, scape goat, scrificial lamb, sisters, sociopath

(an e-mail to my sister Jackie)

I work at the discipline of gratitude to keep from falling back into the pit of suicide obsession. Something I can’t afford since God told me that suicide was not an option for me. I had to calm the obsession since being frustrated by not satisfying this obsession made my life utterly, utterly miserable. And, by the way, this discipline was instilled in me by a loving God who didn’t want me to live my life here in misery. So he showed me how to deal with the obsession through gratitude. Not that I still don’t have the obsession though. Deep down it’s just covered over with the discipline.

Thursday – 4-5-18

Tags

abuse, Family, gratitude, in-laws, journal, lost child, scape goat, Suicide

A nothing day.

My sponsor sent me an e-mail telling me that I broke an AlAnon member’s anonymity because I talked to her about her new adventure as a member of AA (she’s sober 60 days). The girl went to my sponsor and said “I guess the cat’s out of the bag”. I feel TERRIBLE about doing this. I tried to call the girl but she didn’t answer the phone. I thought about e-mailing her but then I wondered if anyone else read her e-mails. So I e-mailed my sponsor and told her how terrible I felt about what I did.

Wednesday – 4-4-18

Tags

12 Step Program, aging, being unlovable, EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, Family, journal, letting go of old ideas, PTSD, therapy

EMDR with Cynthia Pickett LSW. (a type of therapy called: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing )

I’m doing EMDR therapy for my terrible problem with relationships.

I began this session by recalling the memory of growing up never having had a single conversation with either of my parents. This brought tears. Then I cried from being reminded that I was just a child and had to raise myself and that, since I was only a child with a child’s mind, I did a totally rotten job of it. Then I talked about the idea that you form your ideas before you’re seven and that it’s nearly impossible to get control over these ideas in order to change them. Then she piped in that one actually could change these ideas and that, if I had control, I was not a victim. At first I highly resisted this but then I saw the value of not being a victim because if I was a victim I could never change my circumstance and I vigorously wanted to change it. Because I was resisting I asked her if she had overcome anything herself. Then she talked about her journey overcoming the childish idea that she was unlovable because her mother tried to kill her when she was only two years old. I asked her how hard it was to change this. She said; “Very hard.” I also asked her how long it took and she said; “A long time. But with the EMDR it won’t take you as long as it took me.” So I decided not to resist her idea anymore because it was better than what I was telling myself. The 12 Step Program says ‘we let go of ALL our old ideas’ and I realized that the idea that I couldn’t change my mind was a ‘old idea’, so I decided to let go of it and go with her idea instead. I think that resistance to another person’s new (and better) idea is what takes so long to get well and I was not going to take a long time doing this if I could possibly help it. After all, I am – 63 years – old and I’m not getting any younger.

During this week my assignment was to tell myself; “Your parents were wrong. You ARE lovable and you deserve love and kindness”. Taking direction is really hard for me but I’m going to follow her directions this week.

Monday – 4-2-18

Tags

12-step, Al Anon, being human, exercise, fights, journal, journaling, Marriage, meditation, progress not perfection, PTSD, taking directions, treadmill

I made a little progress with Jerry today. Even the smallest thing triggers both of our PTSD issues. Then we have to fight each other. Well tonight I managed to do something different. I was on the treadmill late. 8 pm – 10 pm. Apparently this didn’t sit well with him and he came into the exercise room and gave me the evil eye. Then he SLAMMED the door shut. I just kept walking and didn’t ‘rise’. When I was done, I came to him in bed and very gently asked; “Why did you slam the door?” He said that I was doing my walking too late and that the TV, which is next to our bedroom, was keeping him awake. So I told him I’d try not to get on the treadmill so late. He said sarcastically; “Try!!??” I didn’t say anything back. The truth of the matter is, I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again. I’m human. All I can do is try.

                                                                                                                       

For 38 years in 12 Step Program I have been unable to keep up a meditation routine. Today I finally took my sponsor’s direction about meditating. I sat on my loveseat for 5 minutes and not a second longer. I have to find out why I can’t do it after all these years of trying. Now I’m finally ready to take direction!!

Tuesday – 4-3-2018

Tags

AA, abuse, Alano club, friendship, journal, money, relationships, users

Today was an ‘interesting’ day. I just got blown over by an AA ‘friend’, a lively girl named Terrena. I had only been befriending her for a month or so when something came up. She was living in a motel situation and was trying to get a studio apartment. But – low and behold – she was short $275. You can guess the rest I think.

Well I forked up the money for her to get it.

Stupid me. I fell for the oldest trick in the book. She came off as a friend but all she turned out to be was a user. Today we were supposed to get together. She had just gotten paid and told me that when we hooked up, she’d pay me $100 of the $275. Then a funny thing happened. Right in the middle of our phone conversation we got disconnected. But the truth is I think she hung up on me. I tried to call her back about 5 – 6 times but no answer. She didn’t call me back either. She just disappeared of the face of the earth. I was supposed to pick her up for an AA meeting that we always went to. I went to her apartment but she wasn’t there or she didn’t answer the door . It’s all so frustrating!

Did she die? Have a heart attack right in he middle of our phone conversation? That’s a possibility – but I seriously doubt it. She’s only in her mid 50’s.

So there. She’s gone. A stupid AA user. As a general rule, AA people – especially those that frequent Alano clubs – are pathetic and abusive. I don’t have any AA friends. The only reason we were ‘friends’ was because my husband foisted her on me because she was new to the AA scene (she had however 10 years sober). She told him she was bipolar (I’m schizo-effective) so he threw her my way. I swear, if he tries to hook me up with anyone else in AA, I’ll sock him one.

           

I went to my usual Al Anon meeting after the AA meeting. The topic was Step 4 (made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). I got to sit next to my sponsor Cheryl which was nice after the episode with Terrena. One of the women shared about the slogan; “You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. And you can’t cure it.” This is about the alcoholic. But it hit me in the heart about my senior that I have been visiting for the past year. We hit a snag and she went on a starvation kick – I think to get back at me. I have been feeling so guilty about that and I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling until the woman shared this slogan. Something broke inside. I fully and finally accepted this slogan as if it applied to her crazy behavior even though she doesn’t have alcoholism. Her reaction to me was HER CHOICE! and not because of what I had done. All I did was tell her I couldn’t come see her that week. Now she’s in the hospital dying from starvation. The last time I saw her, she looked like a skeleton with skin on. They put her on palliative care. I stopped dropping by because I couldn’t bear to see her die like that. She’s 97 and in perfect health, and I wondered what she was going to die of. Now I know. Death by Stubbornness!!

What a Virgo.

No Banking on Robin’s Computer

No banking on Robin’s Computer

What It Was Like for Me As An Alcoholic

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, adult children of alcoholics, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, destressing, emotional growth, Mental health, physiological conditions, stress, trauma

It was a very hard row to hoe for me to get sober. Very, very hard. I barely made it. It took everything I had to get and stay sober. Many times I almost lost this precious sobriety I hold so dear. Having alcoholism is horrible. It’s a horrible condition. It stunted my emotional and mental growth because of the way I metabolized it, I can only say this from the inside, I do not know what it’s like to be a non-alcoholic, but this is what I believe as an alcoholic.

Road Rage: How to Dissolve a Traffic Jam

Tags

automobiles, cars, construction zones, freeways, highway construction zones, highways, interstates, roadways, traffic, traffic james, traffic waves

I copied this from a the website: HERE. (It comes with a neat video too). I stumbled onto this myself a while ago and it really does work. Please copy and spread it around if you will. If we all get together and do it, it could really make a difference with road rage.

Don’t try this in the fast lane. For some reason it makes drivers crazy when you try to do this in the fast lane. He was doing it in the fast lane in the video but I think that was only because it was an exit lane.

***
TRAFFIC “EXPERIMENTS”
AND A CURE FOR WAVES & JAMS
1998 William Beaty Electrical Engineer
My first ‘experiment’: accidentally erasing traffic waves!

What the Heck is a ‘Paradigm Shift?!!

Tags

cancer, Children, Paradigm shift, Parent, parenting, spiritual experiences, trains, you tube

Once upon a time there was a train. On this train were many passengers coming and going about their business. Some were reading their newspapers; some where furtively ‘people watching’; some where just looking out the windows at the scenery passing by.

Then a man got on the train. A man with his three little kids.

About the post: What is it with you people?!!!

As you can already tell… when I wrote the post “What is it with you people?!!!“ I was in quite a snit. Let me explain.

Like innocent animals who would never hurt a flea, children are close to my heart. They have no rights of their own and can hurt no one. But we hurt them plenty without thinking a thing about it. We want to give birth to them when we want. We use them to gratify us and many times we don’t think that what we are doing by creating them is doing them a great injustice. They are born to go on to suffer lives of desperation and that’s just not fair to them. They grow up to become adults. They grow up to become painful… us.

You Know How to Lose the Weight

Well I’ve been free of flour/sugar products for 1½ years and cigarettes for 1 year and I haven’t lost any weight at all. It’s been very discouraging to say the least but I think the tide is finally turning regarding the weight.

Song: For What It’s Worth

Tags

buffalo sprinfield, crosby stills nash and young, for what it's worth, music, song, steven stills, Vietnam, war, YouTube

By Buffalo Springfield – Movie footage of the Vietnam “Conflict”

Song: I Want to Know What Love Is

Tags

foreigner, i want to know what love is, music, song, YouTube

By Foreigner

Song: Shine Happy People

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music, R.E.M., REM, shiny happy people, song

by R.E.M.

My Take on A.A.’s Twelve Steps

For most of my sober time I have not really been able to identify with the Steps as AA has laid them out. As a Bipolar person with ton’s of PTSD, here is how using the Steps makes sense to me today. I don’t apply then to drinking anymore as 34 years of recovery from alcohol has pretty taken this off the table. Now I have the ‘left-overs’ from the drinking to deal with… my ugly, messed up feelings that make life so hard for me.

*  *  *

On Being “Outdoors”

I just realized something about myself. I love, love, love being outdoors. Just being out of the house.

We recently had a huge deck put in on the back of the house. It’s the full length of the house and 12 feet wide and it has a lattice cover on it with a railing all around. It’s as big as two big rooms. I put a six-chair black wrought iron table out on it; a double rocker and a nine-foot hammock. I’m out there everyday for hours at a time… just swinging in my hammock with my two little doggies.

I’m just loving it!!

Now I finally know why. It’s because nothing bad happened to me when I was outside. All the abuse and horror happened…

inside the house!!!

 Is there anybody else out there in blog-world
who has this same sensation?

Profound help for people pleasers…

The quote in the third paragraph here is the most profound view I have ever read when it comes to dealing with rude people.

Song: Somebody that I Used to Know

Tags

Depression, goyte, music, somebody that I used to know, song, YouTube

by Goyte

jack-in-the-box moments

a nut's notes

People have been asking me for this story again.  I have combined the two posts so they can be read together.

One Friday morning in 2009, my life was drastically changed. The week before had been filled with Jack-in-the Box moments. These are moments where life jumps out at you and scares you silly. I never did like that toy and can’t even imagine working at a factory that makes them. The song it plays – “Pop Goes the Weasel”- warns you that Jack is about to pop out so you try to prepare yourself for his sudden appearance. Being prepared doesn’t help. I always jump. That Friday morning I was weary from jumping.

On Monday we were a family of four; by Friday we were down to three. On Monday I was a minister’s wife; by Friday he had been fired. On Monday, we were upper middle class; by…

View original post 882 more words

My Twisted Life

I don’t expect anyone to read this. I’m having a terrible time expressing myself lately. My writing has gone to shit for some reason and I don’t know why. But I’m going to take a stab at it anyway. This post is about what life’s been like for me and what I’ve made of it so far.

These are some of the burdens I’ve carried: