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This is the first post of this series, which here began in earnest when I hit my first crisis.
The No-Addictions, No- Obsessions – Experiment
Takes Off Like a Rocket
* * *
This is the first of a series of posts about the ‘addiction & obsession free experiment I’ve been on for the last nine months. Up to now, this experiment has been chugging along at a reasonable pace. I haven’t been writing about it because, frankly, I haven’t had much to say. But now I’m facing my first crisis without using anything to come between me and my feelings and all the PTSD flashbacks I’m experiencing because of it. The nature of this crisis is apparently a doozy in that, some how, it hit the mark of child-hood trauma… dead on center. I very much want to continue the ‘experiment’ until they harvest my organs and put me in the crematorium. I’m a very strong behaviorist at heart. And very, very curious to know exactly ‘how things work’.
* * *
Here is the first real crisis I’ve encountered
since I began navigating through the maze of life
without resorting to any addictive substances
or obsessive/compulsive behaviors.
The crisis was… a good Christian friend of mine told me to take a hike.
* * *
This last year, in my 34th year of sobriety, I suddenly became absolutely determined to meet my inner ‘boogy man’. The one who’s been terrorizing me all these years, and whom I’ve been running so hard to escape from my entire life. I had no other agenda but to find out who he was. The way I’m going about my journey to meet him*, is through giving up any and all the addictive substances and compulsive/obsessive behaviors I’ve been using to run from him. All subsequent posts I’ve written lately, are tied into this theme. My addiction and obsession-free journey.
This is the first real hurdle I’ve had to scale in my journey.
(* I’m female, but my boogie-man is male. This may seem odd, but this is the way I feel it.)
* * *
I’ve come to a bare bones truth about myself. As I look out at the landscape of my life, I can see it plain as day. There is no place for me in this world. It is my lot in life to be a social outcast. I don’t know why this is but I have come to it’s wholehearted truth. Not a single solitary soul on this planet wants me. Maybe this applies to God as well.
It began with my family and continued from there. I was born accidentally. I was not created as an egg and a sperm but from a sloughed off cell of my twin sister. From the very beginning, my father had a passionate hated of me. So much so that I know he would have killed me as an infant if he thought he could have gotten away with it. This is no exaggeration. I know in my heart this is the truth.
My mother cared nothing for me either. My sister and brother, the same. As a child I was completely rejected by everyone. I never had a single friend. I was simply not wanted.
I don’t know why it is this way, and now I have finally, blessedly, stopped asking for an answer. It’s just the way the deck of cards happened to be delt. I don’t believe there is an answer.
The reality of it finally and firmly hit home a few days ago. It hit me squarely between the eyes. A perfect bulls eye. A girl I considered to be my only friend told me she didn’t want to be around me anymore. She looked me square in the face and told me not to come back.
I’ve been running from this reality my whole life. I’ve run from it in alcohol, junk food, cigarettes, trading sex for love, stealing, suicide attempts, ingratiating myself to others, and in many other ways. I’ve even run to Christianity to get away from this truth.
Now I’m doing none of these. No addictions to keep the truth at bay.
No more running. I’m finally facing it. The ugly truth. The boogy man I’ve been running from so hard. The unequivocal truth. I do not belong anywhere, neither on this earth nor in heaven. For reasons I can not understand, my basic physical needs seem to be being met; food, clothing, and shelter. But when I die I feel that my soul will most likely evaporate.
I am only just beginning to come to grips with this reality. It’s sad, a very sad thing to finally face. Truth be told, I’m having some tears over it. But I’m no longer fighting it. No longer railing against it. I’m in the process of full acceptance. This is just the way it is for me. My place is nowhere. Neither here, nor in the hereafter. I belong to nowhere.
The next post in this series is here: And This is the Way He Would Beat Her
I’ve felt like this most of my life, too. It helps that I’ve found my “tribe” at last. I hope you do, too 🙂
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Thank you for writing back to me. It’s nice to feel like I’m not alone in this stuff either. I will have to go over and read your blog too. (((hugs)))
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Been following you for awhile 🙂 It’s hard for introverts, especially those who have been abused, to find friends who truly “get” us, but the search is so satisfying when you finally find your tribe. Please keep looking. The internet is a great way to connect without the fear of confrontation that drives us back into our caves…
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(((hugs))) Jesus loves you always, no matter what.
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Right now I can feel that again. It was a very very dark time when I wrote this, but I’m beginning to see the light of day again. At least a little bit. When I wrote this I again felt like there really was no god (a hold-over from my atheistic family) but today I can see Him working on me through the back door. Even when I don’t believe in Him, He believes in me.
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Can I share this verse with you:
Psalm 27v10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
Please don’t think that because you have been unloved by your family, and forsaken by others, that you are unworthy of love, or that God does not care for you. Jesus loves you so much. His love is constant and he will never abandon you. He showe love for those who were outcasts – Zacchaeus, the Samaritan woman, the lepers, the thief at the cross, the sinful woman who wept at his feet, etc. His love is for you too.
Praying you will know his presence and comfort, and that He will bring faithful friends into your life.
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Your comment here has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing this to me. I needed to hear it. I’m feeling a little bit better today. Not out of the woods yet, but not in total darkness like I was when I wrote this. From what I experienced today, I can see God working on me through the back door. He’s such a gentle-man. He never barges in. He totally respects me, and respects my process. But today I have seen him work.
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Very glad that it helped a little bit. Sending you a ((hug)). Sometimes it seems so bleak and that things can never change, but the light’s just round the corner.
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You are a strange woman. With no place in this world nor in hereafter? That’s quite a challenge for God, whose name is Lord.
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Hi Berni. Well that was a low day and time for me when I wrote that. Some other things have happened these last two years that have ameliorated my mood. God never left me even though at that time it felt like he did. Although I have sparse people in my life, I’m not totally alone. I am married and I do have a twin sister so seems to care about me. I also have a sort of wiggy friend too. The ‘boggy man’ turned out to be the negative thoughts going on in my head not really reality. The following year, God came to my rescue and delivered me of those negative thoughts so that I don’t have them any more. Ever. God can do that. I just keep not addicting or obsessing over anything so that I am clear-headed enough for Him to do His work on me.
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