, , , , , , , , , , ,

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

This is a post on the continuing saga of my ‘friend’ telling me to take a hike and my going through the ensuring storm without running to any addictive substances or obsessive behaviors.

As most of you know by now, I’m an alcoholic who’s been sober 34 years. Although I haven’t had a drink in all that time, I’ve been running to junk food and cigarettes and to other obsessive behaviors as an alternative way of coping with stress and pain. I’ve been in AA the whole time I’ve been sober but have always been pretty stumped when it came to working the 12 Steps. Actually, I’m still pretty stumped by them. I’m one of those people who shouldn’t have made it in AA. I’m one of those who should have died of alcoholism.

But, for some reason, I didn’t. And, for some reason, by hook or by crook, I’ve been able to not drink for 34 years. It’s not because I’m a ‘light-weight’ alcoholic either. I was a fifth-of-hard-liquor-a-day drunk when I came to the program at 25 years old. What’s more, sobriety has been anything but easy either. I’ve has to endure the fires of hell many times in my sobriety. And sometimes this hell lasted for very long periods of time. One time it lasted for six years.

But why me? How could I have ever been able to stay sober all this time wandering helplessly through terrifying inky black hell so many times and for such long periods, and not drink? I can’t for the life of me answer that question. My only guess is… why not? I feel like I must be one of those  lucky ones who won the lottery. I really, really, really don’t know why.

I’m right on the verge of sixty and still don’t feel like my life has counted for very much. I don’t feel like I’ve contributed at all to the welfare of others on this planet. All I’ve done so far with my life is to stay sober… and stay alive. Not an easy feat for me, being raised in extreme abuse and trauma amid atheism and mental illness, dealing with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, a rape, severe suicidal obsession, continuous high anxiety, as well as having various other addictive substances and obsessions to deal with. All I’ve really done with my life is to stay alive. I’ve never had any extra focus or energy to dream with. I’ve never had dreams. I still don’t have any. All I’ve ever done with my life is … to stay alive. Not drink, and stay alive.

That’s enough for now. What does this have to do with Space Mountain? Well, I’ll get to that. I have more to say but I’m going to continue this writing on my next post.

The next post in this series is here:     This is ‘Space Mountain’