On being an ‘outsider’

Tags

being an outsider, book, Family, family roles, lost child role, Nancy Napier, recreating Your Self

(from my journal)

I was reading “Recreating Your Self” (Nancy Napier) where it talked about (pg 211) children having roles around their parents needs and interaction with each other and I was struck with how I fit into the family. I didn’t have a role to play at all. I only took abuse and shut up about it trying to make myself (though not very successfully) invisible. I didn’t ‘help’ my parents at all. I was not a part of the family at all. I was, and always will be, an outsider. I have a memory that just came up about going with mom on one of her daily walks. It was night and we were passing by the Pendergast’s house. We could see into their front window and watched the family all gathered together for dinner. We were outsiders looking in. For some reason this stuck with me deeply because it demonstrated, in living color, how much of an outsider I really am. Right there, I was an outsider – looking in.

Finding meditation impossible

Tags

amygdala, corpus colosum, dissociation, dissociatve disorder, fighting, inner child work, logic, meditating, meditation, relationship, silly stickers, solfeggio, solfeggio tones, stickers

So I meditated today for 30 minutes just so I could put a sticker on my calendar. I’ve had the hardest time knuckling down and mediating. No matter what I do, I just won’t do it for very long. Maybe a few days but then I always find some reason to not do it. It’s about my little girl inside. She’s the one who doesn’t want to meditate – because she thinks it’s boring.

Rejection

Tags

AA, ACA, alcoholism, child abuse, death, having value, la femme niketa, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, rejection, relationship, relationships, the heavens, TV show

I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.

It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.

I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.

Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.

So there it is.

Making God Bigger

Tags

carbs, doughnut, God, God speaking to me, junk food, Prayer, relationship, relationship with God, thou shalt have no other gods before me

Went to church. While there I helped myself to a doughnut. I wish I could get off the junk. But something occurred during the sermon while the preacher was talking. He was giving a sermon about the first commandment of thou shalt have no other gods before me. I got a spirit twinge. And this is what it was.

When I want junk food I have to make God bigger than that stuff. It occurred to me that if I get on my knees maybe I can make him bigger than my crazy head. The junk gets to my mind and calms it with sweet carbs. God can calm my head too but I have to make him bigger than my crazy head and the only way I can think of to get that to happen is to get on my hands and knees and put my face to the ground. This so that I can get the feeling of how small and powerless I am, and appeal to him who I can then sense is way bigger than me. I know he will answer me – help me with my anxieties – if I do this. But am I going to be willing to? Well I’m sure going to give it a good honest try.

Abortion – if you agree please re-blog this

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Abortion, adoption, political policy, politics, pregancy, rape, Row -vs- Wade, Row Wade, supreme court, supreme court rulings, unwanted children, unwed mothers

All you who are fighting to ban abortion…

How many unwed mothers have you helped out?

How many unwanted babies have you adopted?

If it’s none, then QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!!!

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

Tags

abuse, child abuse, child within, Children, Family, impossible demands, insanity, interrogation, Marriage, no other gods, relationships, verbal abuse

I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.