A Wasted Life

Tags

alcoholism, blogging, child abuse, degrees, flour/sugar addiction, junk food addiction, negative voices, old age, personal blog, statistician, statistics, Substance abuse, wasted life

I’m so sad. I’m crying my guts out right now.

I wasted my life. I’m 65 and I didn’t do anything with it. I had so much potential and it’s all gone down into the gutter. I got off the alcohol when I was 25 but I was doing white flour and sugar instead. I’m so alcoholic that those substances got me high. So, in doing them I avoided doing work to get the mean, nasty voices from my childhood out of my head. Voices that told me what a piece of shit I was – and stupid. I didn’t get off the flour/sugar until I was 30 years sober and then God removed those voices for me. But it’s a day late and a dollar short for me. I could have done great things with my life, but instead I’ve spent it all recovering from what happened to me as a child. This is all I’ve done with it. Nothing else. I feel so sad about this. So So So sad!!! I can’t tell you how sad I feel at seeing my life slip through my fingers and go nowhere.

I Don’t Feel Safe in AA

Tags

AA, AA meetings, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, conversation, fear, relationships

Jerry got me to go to the Saturday noon AA meeting. I shared that I didn’t feel safe in AA because my growth has been so slow – that I was just beginning to explore my ACA issues. I tried to be honest and Cheryl caught up on that but she didn’t approach me after the meeting. No one did. No one ever does no matter how I share. Whether I say things like I know it all, or I sound utterly incompetent, no one ever comes up to me after a meeting. After a while it starts to get to a person. All the rejection. I can’t face it and I can’t talk about it in a meeting. This is the one thing I can’t talk about – how I feel so rejected in AA. I ‘talked’ to Gordon after the meeting. I wanted to address him telling Jerry and me that he was afraid of his father. I thought I might be able to interest him in ACA (Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families), but the conversation went nowhere and he ‘politely’ stepped away from me. It was all very uncomfortable. I’m not going back to mixed AA meetings. If there’s going to be any AA in my life at all it will be with women only.

Rejection

Tags

AA, ACA, alcoholism, child abuse, death, having value, la femme niketa, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, rejection, relationship, relationships, the heavens, TV show

I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.

It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.

I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.

Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.

So there it is.

I Escaped the Suicide Machine

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, birds, christianity, death, Faith, God, grief, inspiration, Mental health, religion, Suicide

I feed wild finches and over the last month or so I’ve been watching them die little by little.

What It Was Like for Me As An Alcoholic

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, adult children of alcoholics, alcohol, alcoholism, child abuse, destressing, emotional growth, Mental health, physiological conditions, stress, trauma

It was a very hard row to hoe for me to get sober. Very, very hard. I barely made it. It took everything I had to get and stay sober. Many times I almost lost this precious sobriety I hold so dear. Having alcoholism is horrible. It’s a horrible condition. It stunted my emotional and mental growth because of the way I metabolized it, I can only say this from the inside, I do not know what it’s like to be a non-alcoholic, but this is what I believe as an alcoholic.

The Day I Was Freed from the Obsession to Drink

Tags

12-step, alcholics anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, sobriety, spirituality, visions

It was a dark and stormy night….

No… really… It was a dark and stormy night. I was six years sober at the time. SIX YEARS SOBER AND I STILL HAD THE OBSESSION TO DRINK! YIKES!

Don’t ask my how I could have pulled that off. How can a drunk, who is drooling for a drink, not drink… for six years. Fear. That’s all I can say. Plain fear. Unadulterated fear. I’d had a vision of my life if I’d continued down the drinking path, and it wasn’t pretty. It was a horror movie. God showed me my future in living color six years before that, and I couldn’t deny the truth of that future if I continued to drink the way I was doing. And I couldn’t stop the drinking the way I was doing it. So I dragged myself to A.A. and they got me sober.

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –

Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

Love: It’s a Physical Thing

Tags

abstinence, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Christ, complex ptsd, food, God, Jesus, Love, PTSD, sponsorship, trauma

Up to the age of 27, I had never encountered what people call… Love. My parents didn’t know about it, nor could they recognize it either. In fact, they came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as Love. There was no Love in my childhood and when I became an adult, I was savage enough that, even if I did happen to come across it, I wouldn’t have recognized it if it had come and kissed me on the cheek. I ran away from any kind of closeness others might have wanted with me. By the time I was adult age, the only feeling I had for others was… fear… even terror.

More Problems… Damn It!!!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, compulsive overeating, cutting, homicide, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, Suicide, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

Another problem has started to rear it’s ugly head in this
no-addictions / no-obsessions trial.

!@!@!@ CRAP  @!@!@!

That’s all I can say…. Crap… Crap… Crap… and Damn It!!

I want this to be over.

I’m tired of being on the tracks… being hit by so many trains.

I want to get well!  And NOW!!!

I don’t want to be doing this anymore!

Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.

Self-Hatred

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, self-hate, self-hatred, spiritual

  (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

At last… a very short post!

‘Out In The Field’ With God

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Holy Spirit, Paradigm shift, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

Hi Pastor D & K,   (both of them are therapists)

(sorry this is so long – I couldn’t make it any shorter and still say what I needed to say).

I’ve been out in the field with God for a long time, but have taken many long, long  ‘breaks’ (through various addictions) from my studies. Though I’ve been freed from alcohol obsession for 34 years, I’ve been substituting many other secondary addictions to take it’s place. I could not stop these other addictions myself, so I’ve been praying, for all my sober 34 years, to have these other addictions removed. With all my heart, I’ve wanted “No other gods before God”.

Steps 6 & 7 – of the 12 Steps of A.A.

Tags

Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Step 7, Step6, trauma

(The first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

In giving up all my addictions and obsessions, this is where I’ve come to so far.

*  *  *

A Brutally Honest E-Mail I Sent To My AA Friend

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, drugs, God, mental illness, PTSD, sobriety, trauma, violence

(I wrote this e-mail to an AA friend/sponsor, after waking up at 4 am from out of the haze of several very tricky victim dreams. I have used tricks in the past to deal with these types of dreams, but this time they were so tricky that none of the tricks I’ve used, to neutralize them, worked. This is why I decided to get up and write this e-mail to my AA friend.)

It’s A Strange New World

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, personality integration, PTSD, recovery, sobriety, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Begin A Social Outcast )

I used to have difficult feelings of aloneness and rejection because of being mostly alone here in blog-world, but this is changing. I still feel like I’m pretty much alone here, but since the ability to God/Self Soothe has ‘clicked in’ (by going through what I did the last 2 months) I’m definitely holding within myself, a dramatically different view of this aloneness. I think what I’ve been doing so far has really pushed me around the corner in my ability to adapt to inner and outer stresses. I really do believe I’ve come to a place where God is truly my ‘center’ – for everything.

This is ‘Space Mountain’

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, disney land, PTSD, sobriety, space mountain, terror, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

So…. About Space Mountain.

A Trip on Space Mountain

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Anxiety, C-PTSD, child abuse, PTSD, sobriety, trama, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

This is a post on the continuing saga of my ‘friend’ telling me to take a hike and my going through the ensuring storm without running to any addictive substances or obsessive behaviors.

I Don’t Trust AAer’s

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Here I go, morphing again. I feel like I’m riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland. The Matterhorn is a roller-coaster that you ride in complete darkness. You can’t see anything so you don’t know what’s coming next. This is how I’ve been feeling since the beginning of going through this crisis (my best friend telling me to shove off with no explanation) without running to any addiction of any kind; either substance or behavior.

PTSD

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, trauma, violence

My friend said good bye to me. We had been meeting every week; Tuesdays from three to five. Every week for three years. We studied Christian books together. “The Names of God”; “Lord Heal My Hurts”; “The Way of Agape”

Last week she told me she didn’t want to meet with me anymore. It was yesterday that we met for the last time. Now she’s gone.

My head knows why she did it. She had to. Her daughter had foisted three of her grand children on her to babysit everyday. She was homeschooling the twelve year old. The six year old had downs syndrome and ADHA, and the  baby of eight months was a screamaholic. She’s sixty two and has battled cancer in her past. Last week the daughter moved to Southern California and out of her life. My relief and worry for her was finally over. So my head understands that she desperately needed a break. She said that first she was going to sleep for a month, then see the Grand Canyon, and then work on her book. It was completely understandable why she did it.

But not all of me is cooperating with the head.

I’m an addict, using every sort of earthly means I could lay my hands on to dissociate from pain. “Any port in a storm”, so they say. Alcohol was my drug of choice; then junk food, cigarettes, caffeine, crochet, TV, spending, wandering aimlessly around the house in an overwhelming fog.

But, one-by-one I’ve been barreling through each addiction with the single-mindedness of a cougar going after it’s prey. Since last August I have become determined to be addiction free. I want to run to the arms of the only One I can truly depend upon. The One who comes with no ill after-effects…  God.

But now I am braving the first storm. And it’s a doozy. A hurricane, and I have no where to hide. No addiction to protect me from the raging fury passing directly overhead.

I lay on my bed, on my side, alone in the darkened room. Frozen still while this furious storm rages all around me. Monstrous claps of thunder pulse through my body.

In a thunder clap I am flung into a room. A voice screams at me…

Get in your room!!!

A lightening bolt of PTSD flash-back strikes and I am electrified. Then another, and another. They pierce me with direct hits. Then, in the light of a strike suddenly I become aware that I have been transported…  to 1960.

In the instant flash of light I see something… no… someone. A small girl… huddled in the corner of her room. Her knees pressed tightly against her chest. Her arms wrapped around her knees.  She’s in shock but… strangely… I can hear her thoughts.

What did I do?! Why is he so angry? I must be horrible for him to look at me with so much rage! I’m pure evil. I must be hideous for him to look at me with so much fire in his eyes.

She stares at nothing, almost not believing she came out alive through another savage assault.

Confused… baffled… bewildered… frozen. I see her in the lightening flashes. Petrified by what just happened, she does not move. And I can not move either. I am braving this storm. With each flash I get a glimpse. My eyes are fixated on her form and on her frozen face. I dare not budge. I do not want to miss a single second of this meeting. This memory.

A single tear runs over the bridge of my nose, then down my cheek to the pillow below. As I take her in my arms, this one tear is a miracle.

Together now, we survived the storm. We have both made it through alive.

 

 

 

The Funny Spot

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcohol, alcoholism, gambling, money, relationships, sex, shopping, soma, vicodin

I was talking to an AA new-comer the other day and, as I was talking to her,  this came to the forefront of my mind.

I have a ‘funny spot’ in my brain.

In my brain there is a ‘funny spot’ that only certain chemicals and stuff will hit, and alcohol is just one of these. When I drank it, it did something to a spot in my brain that made all my troubles magically go away. When I drank it, somehow I felt lifted up out of the muck of my life.

You know what’s so funny though?

Is AA for Alcoholics?

Tags

AA, abstinence, alcohol, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, drinking, Mental health, mental illness

Is AA really for alcoholics?

That sounds really, really strange doesn’t it?

How could someone say such a thing!?
That’s blasphemy!

Well then… who is AA actually for if not for those people who know they’re alcoholics? Who the hell is it for then?!

This is what I think. This is only my own opinion.

What Exactly is an ‘Alcoholic’?

Tags

Addictions, alcohol, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Big Book, Drink, Health, sober, sobriety, Substance abuse

I’ve been sober since January 15^th, 1980. I got sober when I was 25 years old and have stayed sober in AA ever since my first meeting. Getting and staying sober wasn’t an easy road for me. In fact, it was very, very difficult to get my sober legs underneath me.

Alcohol Obsession Removed – Finally!

Tags

AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, Jesus, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, Paradigm shift, sobriety, spirituality, Substance abuse

I was sober six years when this happened to me.

Around my sixth anniversary sober, I found myself in such excruciating emotional stress that I could bear it no longer. I had not taken a drink of alcohol for six years yet still had the taste for it. As a result, I had what I now call a ‘Showdown at the OK Corral’ with God. I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that if He didn’t do something about this obsession for booze, then I was going to go back out again. So He had better do something… and quick. Boy! Was I mad!!

I gave Him two weeks.

Song: Red Red Wine

Tags

alcoholism, Bob Marley, music, Red Red Wine, song, you tube

Though I’m sober many, many years, here’s a song I’ve always loved…

“The Way of Agape”

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, Christ, christianity, Chuck Missler, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, Nancy Missler, relationship, sobriety, spirituality

This is a ‘book review’. I know… many of you will just pass it by because of this being a review, but I promise that if you stick around, you will be amazed.

From My Journal – 5 – Self Hatred

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, anti-social, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, God, journal, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, PTSD, relationship, self-hatred, Suicide

I’m still abstaining from flour/sugar products. On the 15^th it will be three months.

I was on the phone with my Overeater’s Anonymous (OA) sponsor last night and what came out was the word depression. She asked why the depression and I could only say; “I don’t know why.”  So she suggested I write about it… which is why I’m writing about it.

Doctor Tom – The “Feeling” Specialist

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, compulsive overeating, Family, God, Health, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, sobriety, spirituality

I’m in an outpatient intensive program for food addiction. I’ve been going there three times a week for the last five weeks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. But I went last Monday because my husband had a small surgery scheduled during my regular Tuesday time. This is where I met Dr Tom.  I’d met him the week before because I wound up going on a Monday during that week as well. The man fascinated me. He’s into feelings…what they mean… what to learn from them… what to do with them. I think I can learn a lot from this man.

My “NEW” God

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, religion, spiritual, testimony

My father was a powerful, powerful, undiagnosed, mentally unbalanced man. In fact, even to this day, I have never met a more powerful human being on this planet.

When I was a little kid he used to twirl me around by my arm like a helicopter and beat me while screaming stuff at me. I don’t remember what the stuff was he screamed at me because I was terrified I would be killed =accidentally= by getting my neck broken.

Testimony: Part 6

Tags

alcoholism, Bipolar disorder, child abuse, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, PTSD, relationship, religion, sobriety, spirituality, testimony

In Conclusion

Do you believe this impossible story?  I can only say that what I have told you is God’s truth.  It happened in 1982, and it’s  still as vivid to me today as though it had happened yesterday.

Our Father Weeps

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, christianity, cooties, crying, Father-God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, rabies, relationship, spiritual, weep

Along with many, many others, this is for my blogging buddy:  Graeme
who writes posts that inspired me to write this.

A warning. This is very base. It was difficult to write; difficult to expose. But I felt led to write it and publish it because I think it’s necessary for others to understand how deeply Father-God loves us. His love for us goes deeper than we could ever, ever comprehend.

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My Dirty Little Shack

Tags

alcoholism, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness

I am alcoholic. Very alcoholic. A “fifth-of-hard-liquor-a-day at 25 years old” type of alcoholic.

And I was in a horrendous place when I first met Jesus.