My Baptism Horror Story

Tags

baptize, baptizm, christianity, demon possession, demons, God, spirituality, trauma, violence

My baptism was ‘not that great’ as it turned out. This is an understatement. Here’s what happened.

I became a Christian in my bedroom, alone, by accident, at 27 years old. The story of my conversion is HERE. Then I was a ‘closet Christian’ for three years before I got with a church. After that, it took another year or so before I got the guts to come forward and ask to be baptized. I knew about baptizim, and I knew you were supposed to get baptized after you became a Christian, right? It’s just something that Christians were supposed to do. You get baptized to declare to the world that you now follow Christ. I had no problem with that. I knew I belonged to Jesus and to God and that I owed my very life to Him.

What To Do With Sin-Trauma

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, sin, trauma, violence

When God first made man… Genesis 1:26 …

Let us make man-kind
in our image.

God told Noah (even after the fall)… Genesis 9:6 …

For men are made
in God’s own image.

It is my belief that the above passages infer that every person (and not just Christians I might add) on planet earth carries a piece of our holy creator within themselves. From the president of the United States to the people who call the streets their home… everyone carries a piece of the Holy God… an image of Him… inside their persons (however, those who heed God’s call to Jesus the saving Christ, have a soul redeeming relationship).

A Very Interesting Thing Happened Today

Tags

child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, trauma, violence

Something very interesting happened tonight that I thought you would like to hear about. I’m taking training to be on the Crisis Call Center hotline. This evening we did role playing with the trainers for the first time in the training. Well I did a pretty piss-poor job of it and the feed-back I got from the others showed that too. This would have been a perfect ‘set up’ for me to rail against myself you think, wouldn’t it? This would have been the perfect situation for the ‘ugly voices’ to have come at me – enforce.

A “Spark of the Divine”

Tags

child abuse, divine, Ephesians 4, God, made in God's image, parenting, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, violence

Let Us make man-kind in Our Image.

Genesis 1:26

There’s a drug that my psychiatrist prescribed for me a few weeks ago called Prazosin. It’s for PTSD. He said it was a pretty old drug – from the 70’s – and was used to treat high blood pressure. However, one of the other things it does is calm the adrenal glands so that they don’t pump out adrenalin so furiously the way they do in PTSD victims who are in constant ‘fight or flight’ mode. Anyway, since I’ve been on this drug I’ve begun to get clear-headed in a way that I’ve never been aware of before.

Here’s what I’m awakening to.

A Word Portrait of My Insane Father

Tags

Addiction, child abuse, dad, Family, Father, father's day, home, mental illness, neglect, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, trauma, violence

Happy Father’s Day.

I went to church as usual this morning thinking we were going to be taught more about the book of Romans. Well it turned out that they decided to devote the whole service to fathers and what a good father was supposed to be like. I cried a lot feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand sitting there listening to all the goody-two-shoes of it all. It was all very hard to stomach so I got up and left early. I didn’t care what anybody thought about my leaving. I know Christians aren’t supposed to swear, but if any of them didn’t like it, well… screw them.

*  *  *

More Problems… Damn It!!!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, compulsive overeating, cutting, homicide, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, Suicide, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

Another problem has started to rear it’s ugly head in this
no-addictions / no-obsessions trial.

!@!@!@ CRAP  @!@!@!

That’s all I can say…. Crap… Crap… Crap… and Damn It!!

I want this to be over.

I’m tired of being on the tracks… being hit by so many trains.

I want to get well!  And NOW!!!

I don’t want to be doing this anymore!

Looking at an AA Principle : from the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, obsession, PTSD, resentment, self-hatred, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING:

As most of you who read this blog know by now, I am in the process of releasing all my addictions and obsessions. If anyone here wants to take a stab at doing this, I believe that a firm hold on sobriety is necessary first before making this attempt. I don’t think it’s for those who are still unsteady on their feet from recently having let go of their primary addiction. For me, it’s been 34 years of only alcohol abstinence; ‘Easy Does It’… ‘First Things First’… ‘Think it Through’… ‘Live and Let Live’… ‘One Day (or moment) at a Time’… and working the Steps. Please be cautious if trying go the ‘no addiction/obsession’ route while you’re still struggling to stay sober because it can possibly introduce enormous amounts of stress and pain into your life. It took me a very long time to even take a stab at it. I’ve been praying for the strength to take this on for the last 30 years.

A Brutally Honest E-Mail I Sent To My AA Friend

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, drugs, God, mental illness, PTSD, sobriety, trauma, violence

(I wrote this e-mail to an AA friend/sponsor, after waking up at 4 am from out of the haze of several very tricky victim dreams. I have used tricks in the past to deal with these types of dreams, but this time they were so tricky that none of the tricks I’ve used, to neutralize them, worked. This is why I decided to get up and write this e-mail to my AA friend.)

Do Children Copy Their Parents Emotions?

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional abuse, Family, Father, mental illness, neglect, Parent, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, verbal abuse, violence

The first post of this series is here:   On Being A Social Outcast

I’m writing today because I don’t know what else to do right now in this addiction-free, obsession-free experiment. I’m tired. I do know that. I’m beginning to see that there’s going to be a lot of work involved in keeping my introject-father ** (the ‘father’ I still carry inside me) at peace. I need to both soothe and reward him… all…the… time… or he gets freaked out again. I don’t know if I can get rid of him altogether. I wish I could. The problem is that his personality encompasses 90% of who I am. He injected himself into me so deeply that there’s almost nothing of a ‘me’ in me. This is how it seems to be as far as I can see… so far. Maybe, one day, I’ll actually be able to be a ‘me’ and not just a ‘him’.

I’ve Accidently Unburied Something Priceless

Tags

child abuse, Family, feelings, God, Love, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

I hope this makes some sense to those of you who are reading this. Now that I’m no longer living in the pitch blackness of addictions, I’ve had a revelation this morning of gigantic proportions.  In the bright light of day, I am seeing someone brand new that I didn’t even know existed.

It’s A Strange New World

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, Mental health, mental illness, personality integration, PTSD, recovery, sobriety, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Begin A Social Outcast )

I used to have difficult feelings of aloneness and rejection because of being mostly alone here in blog-world, but this is changing. I still feel like I’m pretty much alone here, but since the ability to God/Self Soothe has ‘clicked in’ (by going through what I did the last 2 months) I’m definitely holding within myself, a dramatically different view of this aloneness. I think what I’ve been doing so far has really pushed me around the corner in my ability to adapt to inner and outer stresses. I really do believe I’ve come to a place where God is truly my ‘center’ – for everything.

To Sum Up So Far

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, food addiction, God, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, Suicide, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast  )

Something profoundly wonderful has happened to me of late. It started in 1980 when I gave up my primary addiction – alcohol. Not long after I got sober, I began to lean very heavily on junk (flour/sugar) foods to distance myself from the agony of life without booze. I knew that doing the food thing was not good, but I was in so much emotional angst that I couldn’t stop myself. Two years into the agony of giving up this primary addiction, I had my first experience with your Christian God who (through the person of Jesus Christ) got through to me, in a very powerful way, how much He deeply, profoundly, and unconditionally, loved me. And He gave me the Holy Spirit in a very palpable way.

They Call It Self-Soothing

Tags

C-PTSD, Christian, God, introject, PTSD, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )

Just a warning. This is a very dramatic exposé.  I’m going out to the edges on this one. But there has been a lot of drama, and I had to write it the way it happened. I’m also sorry it’s such a long read, but I made it as short as I could without leaving out anything important to the story.

*  *  *

A Trip on Space Mountain

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Anxiety, C-PTSD, child abuse, PTSD, sobriety, trama, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

This is a post on the continuing saga of my ‘friend’ telling me to take a hike and my going through the ensuring storm without running to any addictive substances or obsessive behaviors.

I Don’t Trust AAer’s

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Here I go, morphing again. I feel like I’m riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland. The Matterhorn is a roller-coaster that you ride in complete darkness. You can’t see anything so you don’t know what’s coming next. This is how I’ve been feeling since the beginning of going through this crisis (my best friend telling me to shove off with no explanation) without running to any addiction of any kind; either substance or behavior.

Retribution

Tags

boundaries, C-PTSD, child abuse, introject, PTSD, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Today something else is popping up in this journey to face life with no addictions. One more time I’m beginning to feel war starting to brew. There is tension inside again. So what’s going on now? Well, I asked myself this and the answer that come bubbling to the surface was from the voice of my little girl.

Self Rewards

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, affirmations, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, Family, introjects, self-reward, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

As I said earlier, I was able to read an entire book in one day. The book was called “Telling Yourself the Truth“.

The most singular thing which stood out in this book was that of self-rewards.

She Talked

Tags

abstinence, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, cptsd, introject, lonliness, PTSD, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

More on my journey through the labyrinth of dealing with life without using any addictive substances or engaging in any obsessive behaviors.

*  *  *

Yesterday, at church, I had a tremendous urge to jump up out of my seat and explain to the other congregation members what the pastor was talking about. I’ve had these urges many times in the past. They are so strong that I have to grab the seat with my hands so as not to jump up.

The ‘Introject-Father’

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, cptsd, Family, introject, PTSD, trama, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Going through this process, I’ve been thinking in metaphor a lot.

Lately, in the process of my recovery path through the minefield of no addictions or obsessions, the word ‘introject’ has been coming to my mind a great deal.  An introject is a group of personality characteristics that are infused into someone from the personality of another person.  From what I’ve read, it is quite common for children to acquire introjects of their parents. I had a real father, but I also have an ‘introject-father’. Though it may seem like they are one and the same, these are actually two very different types of entities, and so can be related to in two entirely different ways. It’s because of this difference that I’m seeing that there actually is a possibility for recovery.

My Journey Out From Under the Gun of a Psychopath

Tags

anti-social, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, cptsd, post traumatic stress disorder, psychopath, PTSD, relationship, sobriety, trauma, trauma bonding, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Trauma Bonding and Living with a Psychopath

My father was a psychopath. He’s dead now. As a child I lived with him. He never left the family, so I lived with him my whole growing up.

After the Memory… Now What?

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, cptsd, PTSD, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )

(the previous post that relates to this one is here:
And This is the Way He Would Beat Her  )

*  *  *

When present-day pain gets enmeshed with horrific pain from the past, it can really be mind-skewing. My way of coping with this sort of experience has always been to run desperately into any addictive substance or obsessive behavior I could get my hands on. Because I didn’t do that this time, the memory of the violence came bubbling up to the surface of my consciousness in crystal clear form. I haven’t touched this memory, with this amount of vivid detail, since I endured it as a small child.

*  *  *

And This is The Way He Would Beat Her

Tags

abuse, C-PTSD, child abuse, cptsd, PTSD, trauma, violence

the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast

*  *  *

From out of the haze of this crisis (a good Christian friend of mine telling me to take a hike) I re-dreamed a memory I’ve carried with me all my life. The dream came with such force that it felt like I was actually re-living the experience as a child again. This time however, in a vivid detail I had forgotten, it became clear to me, why I thought I was going to be killed during a beating.

*  *  *

and this is the way he would beat her.

PTSD

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, trauma, violence

My friend said good bye to me. We had been meeting every week; Tuesdays from three to five. Every week for three years. We studied Christian books together. “The Names of God”; “Lord Heal My Hurts”; “The Way of Agape”

Last week she told me she didn’t want to meet with me anymore. It was yesterday that we met for the last time. Now she’s gone.

My head knows why she did it. She had to. Her daughter had foisted three of her grand children on her to babysit everyday. She was homeschooling the twelve year old. The six year old had downs syndrome and ADHA, and the  baby of eight months was a screamaholic. She’s sixty two and has battled cancer in her past. Last week the daughter moved to Southern California and out of her life. My relief and worry for her was finally over. So my head understands that she desperately needed a break. She said that first she was going to sleep for a month, then see the Grand Canyon, and then work on her book. It was completely understandable why she did it.

But not all of me is cooperating with the head.

I’m an addict, using every sort of earthly means I could lay my hands on to dissociate from pain. “Any port in a storm”, so they say. Alcohol was my drug of choice; then junk food, cigarettes, caffeine, crochet, TV, spending, wandering aimlessly around the house in an overwhelming fog.

But, one-by-one I’ve been barreling through each addiction with the single-mindedness of a cougar going after it’s prey. Since last August I have become determined to be addiction free. I want to run to the arms of the only One I can truly depend upon. The One who comes with no ill after-effects…  God.

But now I am braving the first storm. And it’s a doozy. A hurricane, and I have no where to hide. No addiction to protect me from the raging fury passing directly overhead.

I lay on my bed, on my side, alone in the darkened room. Frozen still while this furious storm rages all around me. Monstrous claps of thunder pulse through my body.

In a thunder clap I am flung into a room. A voice screams at me…

Get in your room!!!

A lightening bolt of PTSD flash-back strikes and I am electrified. Then another, and another. They pierce me with direct hits. Then, in the light of a strike suddenly I become aware that I have been transported…  to 1960.

In the instant flash of light I see something… no… someone. A small girl… huddled in the corner of her room. Her knees pressed tightly against her chest. Her arms wrapped around her knees.  She’s in shock but… strangely… I can hear her thoughts.

What did I do?! Why is he so angry? I must be horrible for him to look at me with so much rage! I’m pure evil. I must be hideous for him to look at me with so much fire in his eyes.

She stares at nothing, almost not believing she came out alive through another savage assault.

Confused… baffled… bewildered… frozen. I see her in the lightening flashes. Petrified by what just happened, she does not move. And I can not move either. I am braving this storm. With each flash I get a glimpse. My eyes are fixated on her form and on her frozen face. I dare not budge. I do not want to miss a single second of this meeting. This memory.

A single tear runs over the bridge of my nose, then down my cheek to the pillow below. As I take her in my arms, this one tear is a miracle.

Together now, we survived the storm. We have both made it through alive.

 

 

 

Introduction

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Jesus, Mental health, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, Ulcerative Colitis, violence

Hello… and thank you for stopping by.

Mine has been a tough life. I am not sure why it had to be that way, but it has been tough since the beginning. There are many things I deal with; Complex PTSD and DID from some extreme child abuse, schizo-affective disorder, alcoholism, suicide obsession, ulcerative colitis, constant anxiety, and a junk food obsession which is what I am working on with God right now.

My Story – Part 1

Tags

child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, violence

I’m going to publish my story in segments. I’m cutting it into segments because it’s quite a long story.

My Story – Part 2

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

HOME LIFE

Life was pretty hard in my childhood home. Both my parents were extremely paranoid and taught their children to mistrust all human beings. I was told that people would “STAB YOU IN THE BACK”  and “EAT YOU ALIVE”.  No one came to visit. Neither of my parents had any friends and we were kept in forced isolation at home for this reason.

My Story – Part 3

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

Although the abuse I suffered was difficult there is a continuum to this. Many suffered less than me of course but, in reading others’ blogs, I’ve come to the realization… there are plenty of people out there who, as children, suffered a great deal more than I did.

My Story – Part 4

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, Family, PTSD, Sexual abuse, violence, Violence and Abuse

THE OTHER ABUSES

There was the covert sexual abuse but nothing overt that I remember…. parents walking around naked… leering… embarrassing statements made… my dad needing to ‘talk’ with me while I was taking a bath. There was no lock on the bathroom door and, besides, I couldn’t say no to him. Also, since there were no doors on the bedrooms, there was the getting dressed and undressed under the watching eyes of my father and brother.

My Story – Part 6

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I was never allowed to become a member of the neighborhood gang. I didn’t fit in with the other kids. I tried and tried but was a dismal failure at it.

From my Journal – 4 – Projection

Tags

abstinence, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, Defence mechanism, Delusion, God, Holy Spirit, Psychology, Psychosis, PTSD, relationship, trauma, Twilight Zone, violence

Remember, I said I was going to write with complete abandon on this blog? Well this is one of those times. I’ve written this post entirely uncensored. I have written this with utter abandon.

*  *  *

From My Journal – 3

Tags

abandonment, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, Family, journal, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, PTSD, relationship, trauma, violence

So this morning I’ve been feeling sorry for myself… feeling like an abandoned little waif. This is difficult, writing so that you might read my stuff. I want to let my hair down a bit and allow you into my world. I wear my hair in a ponytail. It’s uncomfortable to leave it hanging down. This is difficult. Impossible? I will keep trying.

The Art of Forgiving Anyone… of Anything.

Tags

Bible, child abuse, christianity, Family, Forgiveness, God, Jesus, Love, Mental health, Prayer, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

A long time ago I read an article in a magazine. This was the way God spoke to me about my problem with my father. At the time, I was not ready for it, but it stuck with me… until I was ready.

[the magazine read thusly]

Why Must I Honor My Horrible Parents?!

Tags

child abuse, Children, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Honor your father and your mother, Mental health, Parent, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

Deuteronomy 5:16

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.

Ephesians 6:1-3

*  *  *

The Voice of Our Shepherd

Tags

Bible, demons, God, guns, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, listening, relationship, Satan, Sheep, Shepherd, spirituality, thankfulness, violence, voice

A post, by the author of “Follow His Light“ inspired me to write my own experience with this.

*  *  *

I am a sheep.

I used to be a ram, but now I am a sheep and I am glad to be one. I grew up in ramsville and was taught the ways of ram-hood by father and mother. Dad and mom were gods, and they told us… all their children… we were to be rams.