On Being a Reject

Tags

AA, ACA, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, feeling worthless, God, journal, La Femme Nikita, rejection, relationships, self-esteem, spirituality, TV show, unwanted children

I watched LaFemme Nikita on TV tonight. It’s a totally weird show about the authorities not caring a twit about their ’employees’ lives, whether they live or die. Those in charge blatantly use people who were former prisoners and treat them as though they weren’t worth a nickel. I so related to that. It got to me and added umph to my feelings of worthlessness already.  As a child I felt like I wasn’t worth a nickel either. I feel totally worthless. Just like when I was growing up. I hope the ACA meeting will continue and not fold. I need ACA people. I want to call Anne but it’s 10 pm and she’s pretty old. I don’t want to be waking her up for such a stupid reason. I want to talk to someone about what happened today with Gordon and how I keep messing up and messing up with AA people. No matter how I try I keep messing up with them. I don’t belong in AA anymore.

God is Such a Good God!

Tags

Addiction, christianity, compulsive overeating, exercise, food addiction, God, inspiration, Mental health, spirituality, weight, Weight loss, Weight Watchers

I’ve been free of flour/sugar products for over two years and cigarettes for over one and a half years and I haven’t lost any weight at all. It’s been very discouraging to say the least but I think the tide is finally turning regarding the weight. I think God finally had enough of my wining and stepped in to give me a little advice.

I had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago about losing this weight. It went something like this.

God: You know how to lose this weight dear.
Me: How?
God: You know how.
Me: No I don’t.
God: Yes you do. You’ve done it two times before the in exact same way with complete success.

EXERCISE !
Twenty minutes a day.

God: One time just before you moved to Santa Cruz. And one time while you were in Weight Watchers. It worked like a charm back then and there’s no reason why it won’t work again this time. So… if you really do want to lose this weight… why don’t you…

Get back on the ball.

Well I’ve been doing cardio-exercise (which is what I did before) on the elliptical machine twenty minutes a day since then.

I know I will lose the weight this way. God is right. If I want to lose the weight, I have to exercise. I’ve experienced losing the weight this way two times before. I really do want to lose the weight. Enough so that I don’t have any resentment about doing the exercise anymore. I used to have a big resentment at doing even ten minutes. I’ve always talked myself into this resentment by wining things like…

How come I have to exercise
to lose weight and
everyone else doesn’t.

But when God talked to me that day, I knew instantly what a load of crap that was. He put on my heart the reality that just about everyone who has a slim figure has to exercise… the same as I would if I wanted a slim figure too. Suddenly, doing twenty minutes a day on the elliptical is a piece of cake. Not only did He give me the information I needed to loose the weight, but He took all my resentment about doing the exercise, away too!

My Baptism Horror Story

Tags

baptize, baptizm, christianity, demon possession, demons, God, spirituality, trauma, violence

My baptism was ‘not that great’ as it turned out. This is an understatement. Here’s what happened.

I became a Christian in my bedroom, alone, by accident, at 27 years old. The story of my conversion is HERE. Then I was a ‘closet Christian’ for three years before I got with a church. After that, it took another year or so before I got the guts to come forward and ask to be baptized. I knew about baptizim, and I knew you were supposed to get baptized after you became a Christian, right? It’s just something that Christians were supposed to do. You get baptized to declare to the world that you now follow Christ. I had no problem with that. I knew I belonged to Jesus and to God and that I owed my very life to Him.

The Day I Was Freed from the Obsession to Drink

Tags

12-step, alcholics anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, sobriety, spirituality, visions

It was a dark and stormy night….

No… really… It was a dark and stormy night. I was six years sober at the time. SIX YEARS SOBER AND I STILL HAD THE OBSESSION TO DRINK! YIKES!

Don’t ask my how I could have pulled that off. How can a drunk, who is drooling for a drink, not drink… for six years. Fear. That’s all I can say. Plain fear. Unadulterated fear. I’d had a vision of my life if I’d continued down the drinking path, and it wasn’t pretty. It was a horror movie. God showed me my future in living color six years before that, and I couldn’t deny the truth of that future if I continued to drink the way I was doing. And I couldn’t stop the drinking the way I was doing it. So I dragged myself to A.A. and they got me sober.

The Love of God …Imagined…

Tags

child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, God's Love, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Mental health, Poem, PTSD, song, spirituality, trauma

When I am quiet in the morning
I imagine the love of God
He is the Father
He wears a long heavy cloak
He draws me to Him
~ gently ~
~ slowly ~
~ tenderly ~
~ sweetly ~
He enfolds me into His heavy cloak
I lay myself against His chest
I am ~me~ I am accepted
I am ~me~ I am encouraged
I am ~me~ I am warm
I am ~me~ I am safe
This is my Father’s love for me
I can stay here for hours.
Talking with Him.
I never want to leave this place.

God written / channeled through Anonymousonetoo

Suddenly I Can Meditate

Tags

12-step, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, God, inspiration, meditation, Mental health, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

Suddenly I find I can meditate! I’m doing it for an hour a day with almost no trouble at all. AA’s Step 11 (Sought through Prayer and Meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him) was absolutely impossible for me. It used to be, even at 34 years sober, that I couldn’t sit quietly for even a couple of minutes. The goolie and goblins would get me. Those goolies called:

You’re nothing but a piece of shit! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! No body wants you let alone loves you! Why don’t you just go away and die! (etc, etc, etc.)

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –

Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

A “Spark of the Divine”

Tags

child abuse, divine, Ephesians 4, God, made in God's image, parenting, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, spirituality, trauma, violence

Let Us make man-kind in Our Image.

Genesis 1:26

There’s a drug that my psychiatrist prescribed for me a few weeks ago called Prazosin. It’s for PTSD. He said it was a pretty old drug – from the 70’s – and was used to treat high blood pressure. However, one of the other things it does is calm the adrenal glands so that they don’t pump out adrenalin so furiously the way they do in PTSD victims who are in constant ‘fight or flight’ mode. Anyway, since I’ve been on this drug I’ve begun to get clear-headed in a way that I’ve never been aware of before.

Here’s what I’m awakening to.

“Love”

Tags

Family, God, heaven, inspiration, judgement, Love, non-judgmentalism, spirituality

Love is an archetype here on earth of what is happening in the heaven-lies.

Many people try to define the term Love, yet no matter how they try to define it, it somehow seems to be indefinable. I believe this is because Love is not a thing to be grasped. This is not a ‘something’ but in reality only occurs in the absence of something else.

A Dialogue with God -> 7-24-14

Tags

Addiction, dialogue, Family, food, God, god dialogue, inspiritation, obsession, spirituality

A12:  Hi Pops

Pops:  Hi my little one-too. How are you?

A12:  I’m ok I guess. The last few days I’ve been bingeing on Salt Water Taffy though. I haven’t eaten any of my ‘alcoholic foods’ (sugar/flour junk) for over eleven months now, but I guess I have to add candy to the list of foods I can’t control. Damn it!!! When is all this crap going to be over??!! I keep running to earthly answers to my emotional pain. When is it going to end?! — but otherwise — I’m ok I guess.

Opposites: Heaven & Earth

Tags

Christian, christianity, earth, God, heaven, inspiration, Paradigm shift, rules, spirituality

Have you ever wondered why God’s commands work directly opposite to the way the world works?

I have wondered and wondered about all the =opposites= the Bible talks about, for a very long time.

With the help of some of my blogging buddies, these are some of the ones we came up with.

I don’t understand it, but when I do as God’s directs, something happens inside….

…something wonderful…..

I don’t understand it. I don’t get it. But when I do a thing God’s way, something inside…

…tingles with excitement….

*  *  *

No “Uncover; Discover; Discard” for me.

Tags

aa slogans, abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.

I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.

I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

How to Get Deep Inner Healing for a Negative Emotion

Tags

adult-self, child self, Christ, Christian, christianity, conversation, God, spirituality, trust

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

This is to be done ~ A-La ~Theophostic~ Style:

You have to have an unconditionally-loving-adult-self to do this. If you aren’t sure you know what being unconditionally Loved feels like, then you most likely have never experienced it.

But that’s ok though.
I never had it, but I was able to get it.
So, so can you!!

Exodus 20:2-4 – Addictions and Obsessions I No Longer Practice

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcholism, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )
At the bottom of this post is a link to the next one.

*  *  *

Exodus 20:2-4…

I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.

These are the verses I’m totally laser-focused on right now. I am doing my level best to live by them. Suddenly I can see their profound meaning for our current times – as clear… as… day. To put it mildly, the rewards for making God my main man, are astonishingly miraculous.

Please find…

Jeremiah 33:3

*  *  *

HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS DO YOU RECOGNIZE IN YOURSELF?

This is What ‘jumping the tracks’ Looks Like

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, New Testament, obsession, Paul, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast  )

In the saga of: “Living Life With No Addictions or Obsessions”, my journey continues.

The last few days I’ve been full to the brim with fear. Terrified really.

Co-Dependence: I Can’t Talk About It

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, co-dependence, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

So far, I’ve been pretty good about working on my goal of “You Shall Have No Other God’s Before Me” (the 1st commandment in the Bible). So far so good.

But a couple of days ago, I jumped the tracks. I got a little bit back into co-dependence.

‘Out In The Field’ With God

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, alcoholism, C-PTSD, christianity, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, God, Holy Spirit, Paradigm shift, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

Hi Pastor D & K,   (both of them are therapists)

(sorry this is so long – I couldn’t make it any shorter and still say what I needed to say).

I’ve been out in the field with God for a long time, but have taken many long, long  ‘breaks’ (through various addictions) from my studies. Though I’ve been freed from alcohol obsession for 34 years, I’ve been substituting many other secondary addictions to take it’s place. I could not stop these other addictions myself, so I’ve been praying, for all my sober 34 years, to have these other addictions removed. With all my heart, I’ve wanted “No other gods before God”.

How to Pray… No, I Mean… Really Pray

Tags

child, child abuse, Children, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, messy, Prayer, relationship, spirituality

I loved this article. Here is a synopsis of it.

Become Like a Little Child

Jesus wants us to be without pretense when we come to him in prayer. Instead, we often try to be something we aren’t. We begin by concentrating on God, but almost immediately our minds wander off in a dozen different directions. The problems of the day push out our well-intentioned resolve to be spiritual. We give ourselves a spiritual kick in the pants and try again, but life crowds out prayer. We know that prayer isn’t supposed to be like this, so we give up in despair. We might as well get something done.

The Holiness of Words

Tags

christianity, God, inspiration, Paradigm shift, power of words, spiritual concepts, spirituality, words

Words are portals between visible and invisible worlds. The words of the Bible act as portals connecting the spirit mind of the Lord God… through this visible world… to my own spirit mind. That’s why every jot and tittle of each word is so important.

The 4th Step

Tags

4th step inventory, Alcoholics Anonymous, Anxiety, child abuse, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Mental disorder, Mental health, PTSD, self-inventory, sobriety, spirituality

I had an illumination at church service today that I thought I’d share.

The pastor was talking about Psalms 139 prayer and relating it to the 4th Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I Quit!

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, christianity, compulsive overeating, God, Holy Spirit, junk food, Mental health, smoking, spirituality, weight

I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been hiding from the world. But T.E.Hanna had a good talking to me and I’m back on track again… I hope.

That’s right, I’ve quit!

What do I mean by that? Well, I’ve quit the junk food habit for six months now. Recently I also quit smoking (over two months). I’ve quit compulsively crocheting and I’ve quit compulsive computing as well. And that’s just to name a few of the things I’ve quit.

Alcohol Obsession Removed – Finally!

Tags

AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, christianity, God, Jesus, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, Paradigm shift, sobriety, spirituality, Substance abuse

I was sober six years when this happened to me.

Around my sixth anniversary sober, I found myself in such excruciating emotional stress that I could bear it no longer. I had not taken a drink of alcohol for six years yet still had the taste for it. As a result, I had what I now call a ‘Showdown at the OK Corral’ with God. I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that if He didn’t do something about this obsession for booze, then I was going to go back out again. So He had better do something… and quick. Boy! Was I mad!!

I gave Him two weeks.

Thomas: Some of Us Are Just Not That Blessed

Tags

Bible, Christ, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, relationship, relationships, spirituality

Jesus didn’t allow any of his other disciples to touch Him after He was resurrected.

Only Thomas.

Why?!!

From My Journal – 7 – Therapy

Tags

abstinence, child abuse, child within, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, crying, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, spirituality, tears, therapist, therapy, trauma

So I went to therapy yesterday. I love my current therapist, Elizabeth. I love, love, love her. She’s so busy that I have to make appointments up to two months in advance to keep my same time slot. Where I go, you can’t claim a regular slot for yourself, you have to take what you can get. I was lucky. Someone had cancelled so I got to meet with her yesterday.

My Story – Part 8

Tags

abandonment, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, Prayer, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

How I Turned Out After All This

Because my parents were pretty ‘out there’ as far as religion was concerned, I have a very spotty religious internal background. My parents took us to the Unitarian church until I and my sister were about eight years old and my brother was four. Then this most liberal of protestant churches kicked us out. As I have talked about earlier, my parents had a very warped view on the spiritual, or religious, aspects of living.

“The Way of Agape”

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, Christ, christianity, Chuck Missler, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, Nancy Missler, relationship, sobriety, spirituality

This is a ‘book review’. I know… many of you will just pass it by because of this being a review, but I promise that if you stick around, you will be amazed.

From my Journal – 6 – Help with the Projection

Tags

abstinence, anti-social, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, Group psychotherapy, Intimate relationship, journaling, Love, Mental health, mental illness, Prayer, projection, PTSD, spirituality

This pertains to Journal entry # 4.

About a week ago, I got some very interesting help with the projection I did during the Woman’s Weekend for my church.

One of the Definitions of a ‘Miracle’

Tags

Anger, christianity, Family, God, Mental health, Paradigm shift, paradigms, relationship, spirituality

I know there are many definitions of a miracle,
but I think this is truly one of them.

One of the definitions of a miracle is….a paradigm shift.

A Paradigm Shift is one of God’s miracles.

Because sometimes it takes God to produce that in us.

To find out what a Paradigm Shift is, Click HERE

.

.

What Does Abstinence Have to do with Recovery?

Tags

12-step, abstinence, Addiction, child abuse, diet, Eating Disorders, God, Health, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, relationship, spirituality, trauma, weight

I am currently talking about abstaining from junk food, but what does this have to do with recovery?

Everything

What the Heck is a Paradigm Shift?

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Mental health, mental illness, Paradigm, Paradigm shift, relationship, spirituality

Once upon a time there was a train. On this train were many passengers coming and going about their business. Some were reading their newspapers; some where furtively ‘people watching’; some were just looking out their windows at the scenery passing by.

Then a man got on the train. A man with his three little kids.

The Art of Forgiving Anyone… of Anything.

Tags

Bible, child abuse, christianity, Family, Forgiveness, God, Jesus, Love, Mental health, Prayer, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

A long time ago I read an article in a magazine. This was the way God spoke to me about my problem with my father. At the time, I was not ready for it, but it stuck with me… until I was ready.

[the magazine read thusly]

Why Must I Honor My Horrible Parents?!

Tags

child abuse, Children, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Honor your father and your mother, Mental health, Parent, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

Deuteronomy 5:16

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.

Ephesians 6:1-3

*  *  *

The Voice of Our Shepherd

Tags

Bible, demons, God, guns, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, listening, relationship, Satan, Sheep, Shepherd, spirituality, thankfulness, violence, voice

A post, by the author of “Follow His Light“ inspired me to write my own experience with this.

*  *  *

I am a sheep.

I used to be a ram, but now I am a sheep and I am glad to be one. I grew up in ramsville and was taught the ways of ram-hood by father and mother. Dad and mom were gods, and they told us… all their children… we were to be rams.

Doctor Tom – The “Feeling” Specialist

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, compulsive overeating, Family, God, Health, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, sobriety, spirituality

I’m in an outpatient intensive program for food addiction. I’ve been going there three times a week for the last five weeks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. But I went last Monday because my husband had a small surgery scheduled during my regular Tuesday time. This is where I met Dr Tom.  I’d met him the week before because I wound up going on a Monday during that week as well. The man fascinated me. He’s into feelings…what they mean… what to learn from them… what to do with them. I think I can learn a lot from this man.

Testimony: Part 6

Tags

alcoholism, Bipolar disorder, child abuse, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, PTSD, relationship, religion, sobriety, spirituality, testimony

In Conclusion

Do you believe this impossible story?  I can only say that what I have told you is God’s truth.  It happened in 1982, and it’s  still as vivid to me today as though it had happened yesterday.