More – Dealing With My Angry Husband

Tags

blog, blogging, defensiveness, fights, hope, making appoinments with you husband, Marriage, marriage problems, relationship

(go here to find out how this all began)

J came back with a thing I could try to get him to stop laying into me. He said I should say “You’re getting defensive”.  Oh well, it’s worth a shot and I’m ready for anything that might help. Maybe him coming up with it himself, he might be more open to this suggestion. I learned to make appointments with him about relationship issues and that works. Maybe doing this might work too. I can only hope.  (to be continued)

A Motto I Don’t Want to Live By Anymore

Tags

blog, blogging, control, family motto, I have to take care of myself, letting go of control, Marriage, marriage problems, mottos, relationship

(go here to see how it all began)

So I went back and talked to him some more and what came out was this. We are BOTH vying for control. Both of us. He said it’s because we’re both insecure. This got me thinking. I agree. But why do I feel so insecure? It’s not really about him because this could happen with any man I would be in a relationship with. I’d do the same thing. Struggle for control. Well I was astounded! Here’s the reason – the germ of the problem.

Finding meditation impossible

Tags

amygdala, corpus colosum, dissociation, dissociatve disorder, fighting, inner child work, logic, meditating, meditation, relationship, silly stickers, solfeggio, solfeggio tones, stickers

So I meditated today for 30 minutes just so I could put a sticker on my calendar. I’ve had the hardest time knuckling down and mediating. No matter what I do, I just won’t do it for very long. Maybe a few days but then I always find some reason to not do it. It’s about my little girl inside. She’s the one who doesn’t want to meditate – because she thinks it’s boring.

Rejection

Tags

AA, ACA, alcoholism, child abuse, death, having value, la femme niketa, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, rejection, relationship, relationships, the heavens, TV show

I’m coming face to face with rejection. This thing with rejection is bealing to the surface since my recent move to this small town. I went to a mixed AA meeting with J – one-more-time and one-more-time got the cold shoulder. No one ever comes up to me after a meeting. No one ever. This really gets to me – all this rejection. There’s a guy there that I’ve talked with several times name of Gordon. It seems like every time I try to talk to him I put my foot in my mouth. I was trying to feel him out about maybe him going to my ACA meeting but again, this didn’t go well and he sort of backed away from me. I think I’m just going to stop trying to approach him altogether. In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop going to mixed meetings altogether too. Maybe just woman’s meetings and even that is sketchy.

It’s not like I need AA or AA people. I have absolutely no desire to drink and no one wants me as a sponsor. I’m not lonely. I don’t need people at all but it’s so weird how the whole world of people rejects me. But I do need people for another reason because I’m reaching out to you. It feels like my self-worth is all tied up in what others think about me and how much they value me. And no one values me – so in my mind it stands to reason that I have no value. And this is hard to take. In fact, no one has ever valued me except maybe J who has stood by me for over 30 years.

I was watching La Femme Niketa tonight and it left me feeling so void inside. The upper echelon treated their (formerly prisoners) agents as if their lives had no value at all. The agents could be killed and no one would bat an eye. I was going to watch another episode but had to turn it off. I just couldn’t watch it any more. Is my life not worth more than a nickel? I’m so messed up right now.

Maybe I’m here on this planet to see I have value even if no other human thinks so. Maybe that’s why all the rejection from birth on. So I could learn this lesson. But I’m sure that those in the heavenly realms want me. But none of my fellow humans do – except maybe you and J. And I feel that even both of you just put up with me.

So there it is.

Making God Bigger

Tags

carbs, doughnut, God, God speaking to me, junk food, Prayer, relationship, relationship with God, thou shalt have no other gods before me

Went to church. While there I helped myself to a doughnut. I wish I could get off the junk. But something occurred during the sermon while the preacher was talking. He was giving a sermon about the first commandment of thou shalt have no other gods before me. I got a spirit twinge. And this is what it was.

When I want junk food I have to make God bigger than that stuff. It occurred to me that if I get on my knees maybe I can make him bigger than my crazy head. The junk gets to my mind and calms it with sweet carbs. God can calm my head too but I have to make him bigger than my crazy head and the only way I can think of to get that to happen is to get on my hands and knees and put my face to the ground. This so that I can get the feeling of how small and powerless I am, and appeal to him who I can then sense is way bigger than me. I know he will answer me – help me with my anxieties – if I do this. But am I going to be willing to? Well I’m sure going to give it a good honest try.

Thursday: 5 – 10 – 2018

Tags

budgets, couples therapy, low self esteem, marital conflict, Marriage, relationship, relationships, vacations and fun, verbal abuse, verbal violence

To begin in this series – click here

I really think this marriage can be salvaged from the wreck it has become now that both of us are working on it.

Yesterday Jerry and I had our couples therapy session and some interesting things came up that I think were helpful for us.

Saturday: 5 – 5 – 2018

Tags

couples, marital conflict, Marriage, painting, relationship, relationships, screaming, self discovery

To read about our new relationship – click here

Well I got a real surprise yesterday. Jerry and I were beginning to paint our kitchen when I walked away to do something. When I came back, Jerry was mixing and pouring paint on the cardboard in front of the wall we were going to paint.

Well, I had a hairy. If the paint was mixed and poured on the sight, there were bound to be paint drippings on the cardboard; we would step in these drippings then spread them all over the rest of our brand new kitchen floor.

I screamed at him;

What are you doing??!!

Stop doing that!!

You’re going to get paint all over the place!!!.

I SCREAMED at him! Here I’m telling him that he can’t scream at me anymore and I just did the same thing myself. Though I apologized to him profusely later on, it seems I have some work to do on myself too.

To continue in this series, click here

 

Monday – 4-16-18

Tags

communication, fighting, fights, intimacy, Intimate relationship, Marriage, opportunity, relationship, relationships, taking charge

See this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Jerry and I had another opportunity to practice our ‘new way’ relationship. He was fixing something on my computer when I bent down in front of him to put a reminder post-it on my post-it board. At first he got a little flustered but he refrained from screaming. Instead, he told me that he was just about to hit a function key but I got in the way and he missed his opportunity. I said I was sorry profusely . Then I said that this was an example of my being scatterbrained. He said; “Oh, is that what it looks like”.. Then I said; “This is a shoulder moment”. So he gently took hold of my shoulders and said would I please get out of the way so he could do his work. Immediately, this I did. He doesn’t yet understand how to do this so I have to be the one who takes charge. After all, it was me who started the whole thing so I see it as only fair that I take the lead until he ‘gets it’. I just have to keep encouraging him to do what I said I needed.

I think that this new way of communicating is going to save our marriage.

Please read the next post for continuity

Sunday – 4-15-18 – part 2

Tags

asking for what I need, asking for what I want, asking for what you need, asking for what you want, communication, communication technique, fighting, follow through on a request, Marriage, relationship, stating what you want

Read this post about our ‘New Way Relationship’

Well Jerry and I had our first ‘break in’ with the new communication technique. He needed a little push to try the new way and I gave him what he needed.

We were talking about the problems with my computer (it was being restored from getting into very bad shape). At first he got frustrated with me but still acted in the old way trying hard not to raise his voice this time. But this isn’t the thing I had requested of him. So I had to instigate the new way by saying; “Honey, you aren’t doing what I asked you to do. Can you please do it the new way?” He immediately got into it – doing the new way I’d asked him to! It went as smooth as butter!!! It’s a new and strange way (to us) to interact so he just needed a little push. I also needed a little courage to take the lead and follow through with what I’d asked. It’s new and strange and so was uncomfortable to instigate at first.

I had to tell him what I needed!!!

It was hard to do but I did it – twice! Once when I wrote it down for him and again when the situation called for it to actually be carried out.

Asking for what I need is soooo hard for me! I don’t think I’ve ever done this as well as I have up to this point. Part of the problem we’ve been having is that I’ve never stated my needs clearly enough to the point where I can get them met. I stated them with both feet firmly planted on the ground. I stood up for myself – TWICE!!!

As far as communication goes, this time it’s going to be my way or the highway.

Continue to the next post for continuity

We had a Big Fight

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, fawning, fighting, freezing, friendship, Love, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, relationships

So my friend and I had a big fight and my head is reeling from it. I don’t do ‘friends’ with people and, to tell you the truth, in 60 years this is the first real friend who I’m starting to try to be real with in my life. That’s how much abuse I’ve had to deal with. I’ve been real with my husband but then we’re like two ships passing in the night with each other. There’s very little of anything between us and, to tell the truth, it’s been that way since we got married. Almost right away, he changed after we got married, but that’s another tale to tell for another time.

Finding It Hard to Love

Tags

book, C-PTSD, C-PTSD from surviving to thriving, child abuse, Family, friendship, God, Love, peter walker, PTSD, relationship

I’m reading a very good book by Peter Walker called “C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving“. (C-PTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse). A couple of friends from Al-Anon told me about it and I finally picked it up and am reading it. Fascinating and horrifying at the same time. To put it mildly, it’s hot. He uses words like ‘miserable’, ‘tormenting’, ‘having little use for (a child)’, ‘routinely ridiculed’, ‘minimal nurturing’, ‘dangerous’, ‘bitter’, ‘sarcastic’, ‘parental betrayal’, etc. This man knows about C-PTSD from personal experience and 30 years of working with victims of this condition. The book also contains a lot of ‘solution’, not just description of the ‘problem’ like so many self-help books do.

What is it with you People??!!!

Tags

Addiction, Children, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, Family, parenthood, PTSD, relationship, trauma

Now-a-days it seems like almost everyone is
having children with the plan to
“Play Parent” for a couple of weeks;
then go right back to work again, shipping their
new born infants off to some cold, uncaring
daycare organization.

What is it with you people?!!

No wonder our youngsters are getting
more and more demented every year.

Children need loving PARENTS to grow up
straight and true!

So what’s the matter with you??!!!

You say; “I can’t afford not to work.”

Well, if you can’t afford not to work,
then what the hell are you having children for
in the first place if you can’t afford them??!!!

The Peace of God Can Be Found Inside the Spaces

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, alcoholism, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, peace, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

This is a copy of a post I wrote about six months ago –

Yet now I am feeling this way on a long term basis not just for a day like I was here.

 

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

*  *  *

Here is a list of things I no longer practice:
Things I No Longer Practice

*  *  *

This ride of  ‘no addictions or obsessions’ has suddenly transformed itself. Up until now, I’ve been careening at break-neck speed, through the pitch blackness, on a hairy, frightening, roller coaster; being tossed around like a rag-doll, completely out of emotional control. But suddenly, an abrupt change has occurred. Suddenly I’m finding myself in a place of absolute quiet stillness. It feels like I’m riding on a smooth white platform that’s silently and swiftly skimming across the surface of a pale blue, sparkling, glassy sea.

A & B – How to Deal With Fire Fights

Tags

abuse, domestic violence, Family, fighting, fire, intimacy, Mental health, PTSD, relationship, trauma

(this may seem hard to do at first but we caught on and I’m as impatient as a 30 second french fry in a fry cooker and my husband is as dense as a raw potato)

CAUTION: This is really, really, really important!! You must read through this entire article… first… maybe several times, in ordered to be fully mentally and emotionally prepared to do this exercise.

The thing is… Fights in a relationship create Fire… and fire has massive power behind it to destroy. You must realize that this is what you are dealing with when you fight. FIRE!! And like with any fire, when you’re handling it, utmost caution must be taken to keep it contained and under control so that it doesn’t incinerate you or your relationship.

* * *

Attachment to God? HELP!!

Tags

attachment disorder, childhood trauma, Christian, christianity, complex ptsd, Genesis 1:26, God, PTSD, relationship, spiritul, trauma

What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?

I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.

Her

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, character defects, complex ptsd, exercise, Family, junk food, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, Theophostic, TPM

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

I Can’t Believe What I Did! I Can’t Believe What I Did!

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, complex ptsd, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, obsession, PTSD, relationship, renewal, sobriety, spirituality, trauma

 (the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

*  *  *

More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.

*  *  *

Hi guys!

I just have to tell you about what happened to me a couple days ago. I’m so excited I’m busting a gut! It’s very short, but here’s the story…

My Journey Out From Under the Gun of a Psychopath

Tags

anti-social, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, cptsd, post traumatic stress disorder, psychopath, PTSD, relationship, sobriety, trauma, trauma bonding, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Trauma Bonding and Living with a Psychopath

My father was a psychopath. He’s dead now. As a child I lived with him. He never left the family, so I lived with him my whole growing up.

How to Pray… No, I Mean… Really Pray

Tags

child, child abuse, Children, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, messy, Prayer, relationship, spirituality

I loved this article. Here is a synopsis of it.

Become Like a Little Child

Jesus wants us to be without pretense when we come to him in prayer. Instead, we often try to be something we aren’t. We begin by concentrating on God, but almost immediately our minds wander off in a dozen different directions. The problems of the day push out our well-intentioned resolve to be spiritual. We give ourselves a spiritual kick in the pants and try again, but life crowds out prayer. We know that prayer isn’t supposed to be like this, so we give up in despair. We might as well get something done.

Thomas: Some of Us Are Just Not That Blessed

Tags

Bible, Christ, Faith, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, relationship, relationships, spirituality

Jesus didn’t allow any of his other disciples to touch Him after He was resurrected.

Only Thomas.

Why?!!

My Story – Part 8

Tags

abandonment, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, Prayer, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

How I Turned Out After All This

Because my parents were pretty ‘out there’ as far as religion was concerned, I have a very spotty religious internal background. My parents took us to the Unitarian church until I and my sister were about eight years old and my brother was four. Then this most liberal of protestant churches kicked us out. As I have talked about earlier, my parents had a very warped view on the spiritual, or religious, aspects of living.

“The Way of Agape”

Tags

alcoholism, Bible, Christ, christianity, Chuck Missler, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, Mental health, Nancy Missler, relationship, sobriety, spirituality

This is a ‘book review’. I know… many of you will just pass it by because of this being a review, but I promise that if you stick around, you will be amazed.

One of the Definitions of a ‘Miracle’

Tags

Anger, christianity, Family, God, Mental health, Paradigm shift, paradigms, relationship, spirituality

I know there are many definitions of a miracle,
but I think this is truly one of them.

One of the definitions of a miracle is….a paradigm shift.

A Paradigm Shift is one of God’s miracles.

Because sometimes it takes God to produce that in us.

To find out what a Paradigm Shift is, Click HERE

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From My Journal – 5 – Self Hatred

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, anti-social, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, God, journal, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, PTSD, relationship, self-hatred, Suicide

I’m still abstaining from flour/sugar products. On the 15^th it will be three months.

I was on the phone with my Overeater’s Anonymous (OA) sponsor last night and what came out was the word depression. She asked why the depression and I could only say; “I don’t know why.”  So she suggested I write about it… which is why I’m writing about it.

From my Journal – 4 – Projection

Tags

abstinence, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, Defence mechanism, Delusion, God, Holy Spirit, Psychology, Psychosis, PTSD, relationship, trauma, Twilight Zone, violence

Remember, I said I was going to write with complete abandon on this blog? Well this is one of those times. I’ve written this post entirely uncensored. I have written this with utter abandon.

*  *  *

From My Journal – 3

Tags

abandonment, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, Family, journal, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, PTSD, relationship, trauma, violence

So this morning I’ve been feeling sorry for myself… feeling like an abandoned little waif. This is difficult, writing so that you might read my stuff. I want to let my hair down a bit and allow you into my world. I wear my hair in a ponytail. It’s uncomfortable to leave it hanging down. This is difficult. Impossible? I will keep trying.

From My Journal – 2

Tags

abstinence, anti-social, Anxiety, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, God, intimacy, intimacy with God, Mental health, PTSD, relationship

Getting on my knees is getting harder and harder. I am railing against turning my life and will over to something other than myself. I am so used to taking care of me by myself. Funny… I need God to stay away from alcohol. I have a conscious connection with Him all day long… to stay sober. But this food business is a whole lot trickier than the alcohol. I am truly bewildered by it all.

What Does Abstinence Have to do with Recovery?

Tags

12-step, abstinence, Addiction, child abuse, diet, Eating Disorders, God, Health, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, relationship, spirituality, trauma, weight

I am currently talking about abstaining from junk food, but what does this have to do with recovery?

Everything

What the Heck is a Paradigm Shift?

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Mental health, mental illness, Paradigm, Paradigm shift, relationship, spirituality

Once upon a time there was a train. On this train were many passengers coming and going about their business. Some were reading their newspapers; some where furtively ‘people watching’; some were just looking out their windows at the scenery passing by.

Then a man got on the train. A man with his three little kids.

The Voice of Our Shepherd

Tags

Bible, demons, God, guns, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, listening, relationship, Satan, Sheep, Shepherd, spirituality, thankfulness, violence, voice

A post, by the author of “Follow His Light“ inspired me to write my own experience with this.

*  *  *

I am a sheep.

I used to be a ram, but now I am a sheep and I am glad to be one. I grew up in ramsville and was taught the ways of ram-hood by father and mother. Dad and mom were gods, and they told us… all their children… we were to be rams.

Paranoia Again

Tags

anti-social, christianity, church, God, Health, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, Paranoia, PTSD, relationship, trauma

I went to a retreat with my church this weekend. I was so looking forward to going and making new friends with women from this church that I have just began to attend. I just began to attend there three or four months ago. I am not a ‘church hopper’. I plan to spend the rest of my life at this church, for the next twenty or thirty years or so I have left on this earth. I have been scouting churches since we moved to this new area two and a half years ago, and I think I have found it at this church.

One More Time…

Tags

abandonment, anti-social, child abuse, Christian, Family, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, rejection, relationship

Many times I’ve heard in AA… “What you think of me is none of my business.” But I don’t seem to be able to jump that hurdle…yet. The paranoia of rejection blows mightily inside me. It shreds me until I’m stupid.

My “NEW” God

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, God, inspiration, Jesus, Mental disorder, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, religion, spiritual, testimony

My father was a powerful, powerful, undiagnosed, mentally unbalanced man. In fact, even to this day, I have never met a more powerful human being on this planet.

When I was a little kid he used to twirl me around by my arm like a helicopter and beat me while screaming stuff at me. I don’t remember what the stuff was he screamed at me because I was terrified I would be killed =accidentally= by getting my neck broken.

Testimony: Part 6

Tags

alcoholism, Bipolar disorder, child abuse, Christ, christianity, God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, PTSD, relationship, religion, sobriety, spirituality, testimony

In Conclusion

Do you believe this impossible story?  I can only say that what I have told you is God’s truth.  It happened in 1982, and it’s  still as vivid to me today as though it had happened yesterday.

Our Father Weeps

Tags

alcoholism, child abuse, Christian, christianity, cooties, crying, Father-God, Holy Spirit, inspiration, Jesus, rabies, relationship, spiritual, weep

Along with many, many others, this is for my blogging buddy:  Graeme
who writes posts that inspired me to write this.

A warning. This is very base. It was difficult to write; difficult to expose. But I felt led to write it and publish it because I think it’s necessary for others to understand how deeply Father-God loves us. His love for us goes deeper than we could ever, ever comprehend.

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