I’ve been so angry lately. The little girl is angry. The one who took all the abuse for the rest of us. She’s angrier than all get out. “It’s not fair”, she says about taking the excess food away. “As if trying to live in this world isn’t bad enough for me, now you have to take my food away too?!! What’s next!!? Are you going to try to get rid of me altogether!!?”
I used to have difficult feelings of aloneness and rejection because of being mostly alone here in blog-world, but this is changing. I still feel like I’m pretty much alone here, but since the ability to God/Self Soothe has ‘clicked in’ (by going through what I did the last 2 months) I’m definitely holding within myself, a dramatically different view of this aloneness. I think what I’ve been doing so far has really pushed me around the corner in my ability to adapt to inner and outer stresses. I really do believe I’ve come to a place where God is truly my ‘center’ – for everything.
I was walking the puppies this morning. I walked past some young boys playing basketball in the park. Noisy. Vigorous. Happy. Whole lives that lay ahead of them. Full of promise. Glowing with youth. Endless realms of opportunity set at their feet. Rich with time.
I’m mourning my life. My old, past-due life.
I’m dismal today. ddiiisssmmmaaalll. This is a warning. Before you read any further. I’m very, very sad today.
What was I put on this planet to do? Recover? Is that all there is for me to do while I’m here? Recover and nothing else? I’ve done nothing with my life. Just recovery. That’s all I’ve ever done with it. Just recover from what was done to me.
Nothing else.
This recovering. It’s a handful. Two handsfull. I have no rest of me to do anything else.
What a dismal, dismal, life I’ve led to now. And there’s nothing in the works for my future. I’m going to be 60 in a couple of months.
I’m glad it’s almost over.
Because I have no purpose for being here. I mean… for what?!
Maybe there’s nothing out there. Maybe all that’s out there is a vacant void of lifeless space. Like the way I’m feeling today. Vacantly void inside.
Is there a God out there? Any life form at all… with a heartbeat? With ears to hear? Maybe I’m just talking to the dirt. Nobody listening. No one out there to hear my sadness. My dismalness.
I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.
