A Wasted Life

Tags

alcoholism, blogging, child abuse, degrees, flour/sugar addiction, junk food addiction, negative voices, old age, personal blog, statistician, statistics, Substance abuse, wasted life

I’m so sad. I’m crying my guts out right now.

I wasted my life. I’m 65 and I didn’t do anything with it. I had so much potential and it’s all gone down into the gutter. I got off the alcohol when I was 25 but I was doing white flour and sugar instead. I’m so alcoholic that those substances got me high. So, in doing them I avoided doing work to get the mean, nasty voices from my childhood out of my head. Voices that told me what a piece of shit I was – and stupid. I didn’t get off the flour/sugar until I was 30 years sober and then God removed those voices for me. But it’s a day late and a dollar short for me. I could have done great things with my life, but instead I’ve spent it all recovering from what happened to me as a child. This is all I’ve done with it. Nothing else. I feel so sad about this. So So So sad!!! I can’t tell you how sad I feel at seeing my life slip through my fingers and go nowhere.

How to Stop Suicide Obsession

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blogging, gratitude, gratitude list, Joel 2:25, personal blog, suicide obsession, thankfulness

(I used to be suicidally depressed but by practicing this attitude for the last 20 years or so, I got turned around.)

Like Looking for Golden Easter Eggs  —  It’s My Job to Find Them. To load my basket full of these Golden Gems of Happiness. For me, it’s an essential secret ingredient to having a decent life

Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust have eaten. The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust,  “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied

Joel 2:25

This is my life passage. The more I think this way, the more abundant my life has become. It has been my experience that my life’s course is definitely affected by how I think about it.

How to Make Life More Meaningful

Tags

blogging, CEN, Childhood Emotional Neglect, Dr Jonice Webb, emotions, feelings, making life meaningful, meaning of life, personal blog, relationships, why am I here?

(This came in my e-mail)

.Hi, It’s Dr. Jonice and one of the things I’ve noticed in my practice is that one of the most pernicious results of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is also…

Amazingly – the most directly fixable.

Who hasn’t, at some moments of their lives, wondered…

 What it’s all for?

What’s the point?

Why am I here on this earth?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Does anything really matter?

Why I Haven’t Been Able to Meditate

Tags

blogging, life's riddle, meditation, personal blog, riddle to life, stickers, what life is all about

So I’m doing my darnedest to do a breathing meditation. It’s been 3 weeks so far. I know this because I have a calendar that I’m putting stickers on to mark the days I do it. So far I haven’t missed a single day. I haven’t missed because I don’t want any days on the calendar that don’t have a sticker on them. Tonight I managed to do it at 8:30 pm. I do it for half an hour in my computer chair with an MS Word document up that I can quickly jot down things I need to remember so I don’t have to hold them in my brain. It’s so difficult trying to do this meditation. Up til now my attempts have met with a 100% failure rate. But with the stickers as motivation, it’s finally coming together.

Coffee Grounds

Tags

blogging, coffee grounds, God, holocaust, low self esteem, Maus, pain, persecution complex, personal blog, Poem, Poetry, prose, victimlicious

i dumped the coffee grounds this morning… all over everything.

i was trying to be so careful to take the coffee grounds container out of the coffee maker.

It flipped over.

It didn’t just flip over – it flipped over backwards.

Into everything on the counter that it could possibly flip into.

Wet coffee grounds… in every appliance – in the kitchen basket where i keep my rubber bands and pot holders.

i got so mad.

i feel really…  picked on.

It Aches

Tags

ache, blogging, dentistry, endodontist, mouth surgery, pain, personal blog, root canal, surgery

My jaw bone aches. I had a root canal done on it last week and it’s been aching ever since. This tooth had a previous root canal done on it and I’m afraid the endodontist pushed a piece of the previous stuff into my jaw bone. I’m worried that I will have to have surgery and this is a sort of mouth surgery so it might not be covered with our health insurance so we’ll have to foot the entire bill ourselves. Either that or I will have to live with this ache the rest of my life.