Why I Have Anxiety Around Everyone I Meet

Tags

Anxiety, blog, blogging, dogs, Family, Father, feelings, happiness, journal, making everyone happy, Nancy Napier, Parents, pets, relationships

I was laying in bed thinking. Why am I so anxious around everybody all the time? 100% of the time I am anxious around every person I come in contact with. Then something occurred to me as I was rubbing Joshy’s belly. Why don’t I feel love for my dogs? All they seem to me to be is – responsibility.

Nancy Napier

Tags

ACA, blog, communicate by the unconscious, complex ptsd, Family, Father, Holy Spirit, mental illness, Nancy Napier, orb, recreating Your Self, relationships, unconscious symbolism

I really needed to talk to someone but it’s midnight and I don’t want to disturb anyone at such a late hour.

I’ve been reading books by Nancy Napier. She works with self-hypnosis and she knows how to recover from child abuse like no one I’ve ever come in contact with before. I read Recreating Your Self and bought 3 more books by her.

One exercise she suggested was when you’re feeling something disturbing, make your ability to dissociate work for you. Give the disturbing feelings to the child within (who already owns them anyway) so that you can become calm enough to be able to support the child  with these out of control feelings.

On being an ‘outsider’

Tags

being an outsider, book, Family, family roles, lost child role, Nancy Napier, recreating Your Self

(from my journal)

I was reading “Recreating Your Self” (Nancy Napier) where it talked about (pg 211) children having roles around their parents needs and interaction with each other and I was struck with how I fit into the family. I didn’t have a role to play at all. I only took abuse and shut up about it trying to make myself (though not very successfully) invisible. I didn’t ‘help’ my parents at all. I was not a part of the family at all. I was, and always will be, an outsider. I have a memory that just came up about going with mom on one of her daily walks. It was night and we were passing by the Pendergast’s house. We could see into their front window and watched the family all gathered together for dinner. We were outsiders looking in. For some reason this stuck with me deeply because it demonstrated, in living color, how much of an outsider I really am. Right there, I was an outsider – looking in.

The Child Within Cries Out to Me

Tags

abuse, child abuse, child within, Children, Family, impossible demands, insanity, interrogation, Marriage, no other gods, relationships, verbal abuse

I’ve been married to my husband for 31 years but never realized something that we’ve struggled with since we’ve been married. Sometimes my husband acts just like my father did with me – insane.

As a small child I was under the gun of a man who was insane most of the time. He would engage me in a third degree interrogation for the express purpose of having me fail so he could lay the hammer down on me. This happened on a regular basis. Then, at that time, I was only a kid and so was trapped in this situation with him. I could not escape his insane brutality.  I could not escape. Tonight it just occurred to me that I can escape now. Today I’m a 64 year old woman and I can get away from that insanity. Up to now I’ve felt I had no choice but to stave off his verbal bullying the best I could because I thought I couldn’t get away. I think – I hope – this new information will be the springboard to a new way of acting around my husband when he becomes insane.

We had an insane conversation about fencing today. We are building a house and after the excavation there is a lot of piled up sand that needs fencing around it. I’ve just heard the word ‘fence’ and didn’t think anything about it. A fence is a fence right? It’s only logical to call a fence a fence. But apparently that’s not totally accurate as my insane husband let me know. It turns out that this kind of fence is really just a plastic tarp stapled onto posts stuck in the ground. Somehow, according to my husband, I was supposed to know this, wasn’t I? I was supposed to ask if the ‘fence’ was a tarp. Is this insane? I think so. I tried to reason with him but he was all over me in anger about it. This is what I’m realizing tonight. That this is an impossible demand. And what do I do? I stay with it to the bitter end. Bitter end. Because I am in a PTSD haze yesterday land where I can not escape.

So, hopefully, I’ll remember this and say to him

You’re acting insane right now.
You’re making an impossible demand of me.
Stop the car. I want to get out.

And then I get out. Escape – at last.

An e-mail from my sister

Tags

couples, dissociatve disorder, EMDR, Family, fighting, husband & wife, Marriage, marriage problems, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, relationships

To read about the beginning of this new chapter in my life, click here

On 4/24/2018 my sister Jacqueline wrote:

Just a thought

Tags

an idea, babies, child, Children, conception, Family, getting the word out, Marriage, procreation, taking care of a child, taking care of children, thinking, working

I want to get this idea out there in the world.

Maybe it will spread around and people will think about it.

Why do people have babies when they prefer to work
rather than take care of them?

Children need a lot of love and care in order to grow up
to be healthy adults.

As a result, children are being forced to raise themselves.

I think there’s a lot of crime and suicide from children
who don’t have any parents to help them.

It’s so sad to see this happening to our dear children.

Friday – 4-6-18

Tags

12 Step Program, child abuse, Family, frustration, God, gratitude, journal, narcissist, rage, scape goat, scrificial lamb, sisters, sociopath

(an e-mail to my sister Jackie)

I work at the discipline of gratitude to keep from falling back into the pit of suicide obsession. Something I can’t afford since God told me that suicide was not an option for me. I had to calm the obsession since being frustrated by not satisfying this obsession made my life utterly, utterly miserable. And, by the way, this discipline was instilled in me by a loving God who didn’t want me to live my life here in misery. So he showed me how to deal with the obsession through gratitude. Not that I still don’t have the obsession though. Deep down it’s just covered over with the discipline.

Thursday – 4-5-18

Tags

abuse, Family, gratitude, in-laws, journal, lost child, scape goat, Suicide

A nothing day.

My sponsor sent me an e-mail telling me that I broke an AlAnon member’s anonymity because I talked to her about her new adventure as a member of AA (she’s sober 60 days). The girl went to my sponsor and said “I guess the cat’s out of the bag”. I feel TERRIBLE about doing this. I tried to call the girl but she didn’t answer the phone. I thought about e-mailing her but then I wondered if anyone else read her e-mails. So I e-mailed my sponsor and told her how terrible I felt about what I did.

Wednesday – 4-4-18

Tags

12 Step Program, aging, being unlovable, EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, Family, journal, letting go of old ideas, PTSD, therapy

EMDR with Cynthia Pickett LSW. (a type of therapy called: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing )

I’m doing EMDR therapy for my terrible problem with relationships.

I began this session by recalling the memory of growing up never having had a single conversation with either of my parents. This brought tears. Then I cried from being reminded that I was just a child and had to raise myself and that, since I was only a child with a child’s mind, I did a totally rotten job of it. Then I talked about the idea that you form your ideas before you’re seven and that it’s nearly impossible to get control over these ideas in order to change them. Then she piped in that one actually could change these ideas and that, if I had control, I was not a victim. At first I highly resisted this but then I saw the value of not being a victim because if I was a victim I could never change my circumstance and I vigorously wanted to change it. Because I was resisting I asked her if she had overcome anything herself. Then she talked about her journey overcoming the childish idea that she was unlovable because her mother tried to kill her when she was only two years old. I asked her how hard it was to change this. She said; “Very hard.” I also asked her how long it took and she said; “A long time. But with the EMDR it won’t take you as long as it took me.” So I decided not to resist her idea anymore because it was better than what I was telling myself. The 12 Step Program says ‘we let go of ALL our old ideas’ and I realized that the idea that I couldn’t change my mind was a ‘old idea’, so I decided to let go of it and go with her idea instead. I think that resistance to another person’s new (and better) idea is what takes so long to get well and I was not going to take a long time doing this if I could possibly help it. After all, I am – 63 years – old and I’m not getting any younger.

During this week my assignment was to tell myself; “Your parents were wrong. You ARE lovable and you deserve love and kindness”. Taking direction is really hard for me but I’m going to follow her directions this week.

Finding It Hard to Love

Tags

book, C-PTSD, C-PTSD from surviving to thriving, child abuse, Family, friendship, God, Love, peter walker, PTSD, relationship

I’m reading a very good book by Peter Walker called “C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving“. (C-PTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse). A couple of friends from Al-Anon told me about it and I finally picked it up and am reading it. Fascinating and horrifying at the same time. To put it mildly, it’s hot. He uses words like ‘miserable’, ‘tormenting’, ‘having little use for (a child)’, ‘routinely ridiculed’, ‘minimal nurturing’, ‘dangerous’, ‘bitter’, ‘sarcastic’, ‘parental betrayal’, etc. This man knows about C-PTSD from personal experience and 30 years of working with victims of this condition. The book also contains a lot of ‘solution’, not just description of the ‘problem’ like so many self-help books do.

What is it with you People??!!!

Tags

Addiction, Children, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, Family, parenthood, PTSD, relationship, trauma

Now-a-days it seems like almost everyone is
having children with the plan to
“Play Parent” for a couple of weeks;
then go right back to work again, shipping their
new born infants off to some cold, uncaring
daycare organization.

What is it with you people?!!

No wonder our youngsters are getting
more and more demented every year.

Children need loving PARENTS to grow up
straight and true!

So what’s the matter with you??!!!

You say; “I can’t afford not to work.”

Well, if you can’t afford not to work,
then what the hell are you having children for
in the first place if you can’t afford them??!!!

A Very Interesting Thing Happened Today

Tags

child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, trauma, violence

Something very interesting happened tonight that I thought you would like to hear about. I’m taking training to be on the Crisis Call Center hotline. This evening we did role playing with the trainers for the first time in the training. Well I did a pretty piss-poor job of it and the feed-back I got from the others showed that too. This would have been a perfect ‘set up’ for me to rail against myself you think, wouldn’t it? This would have been the perfect situation for the ‘ugly voices’ to have come at me – enforce.

A & B – How to Deal With Fire Fights

Tags

abuse, domestic violence, Family, fighting, fire, intimacy, Mental health, PTSD, relationship, trauma

(this may seem hard to do at first but we caught on and I’m as impatient as a 30 second french fry in a fry cooker and my husband is as dense as a raw potato)

CAUTION: This is really, really, really important!! You must read through this entire article… first… maybe several times, in ordered to be fully mentally and emotionally prepared to do this exercise.

The thing is… Fights in a relationship create Fire… and fire has massive power behind it to destroy. You must realize that this is what you are dealing with when you fight. FIRE!! And like with any fire, when you’re handling it, utmost caution must be taken to keep it contained and under control so that it doesn’t incinerate you or your relationship.

* * *

“Love”

Tags

Family, God, heaven, inspiration, judgement, Love, non-judgmentalism, spirituality

Love is an archetype here on earth of what is happening in the heaven-lies.

Many people try to define the term Love, yet no matter how they try to define it, it somehow seems to be indefinable. I believe this is because Love is not a thing to be grasped. This is not a ‘something’ but in reality only occurs in the absence of something else.

A Dialogue with God -> 7-24-14

Tags

Addiction, dialogue, Family, food, God, god dialogue, inspiritation, obsession, spirituality

A12:  Hi Pops

Pops:  Hi my little one-too. How are you?

A12:  I’m ok I guess. The last few days I’ve been bingeing on Salt Water Taffy though. I haven’t eaten any of my ‘alcoholic foods’ (sugar/flour junk) for over eleven months now, but I guess I have to add candy to the list of foods I can’t control. Damn it!!! When is all this crap going to be over??!! I keep running to earthly answers to my emotional pain. When is it going to end?! — but otherwise — I’m ok I guess.

Anger

Tags

abstaining, Addiction, Anger, character defects, complex ptsd, Family, Father, food, God, overeating, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, recovery

I’ve been so angry lately. The little girl is angry. The one who took all the abuse for the rest of us. She’s angrier than all get out. “It’s not fair”, she says about taking the excess food away. “As if trying to live in this world isn’t bad enough for me, now you have to take my food away too?!! What’s next!!? Are you going to try to get rid of me altogether!!?”

Her

Tags

AA, abstinence, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, character defects, complex ptsd, exercise, Family, junk food, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, relationship, Theophostic, TPM

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

A Word Portrait of My Insane Father

Tags

Addiction, child abuse, dad, Family, Father, father's day, home, mental illness, neglect, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, trauma, violence

Happy Father’s Day.

I went to church as usual this morning thinking we were going to be taught more about the book of Romans. Well it turned out that they decided to devote the whole service to fathers and what a good father was supposed to be like. I cried a lot feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t stand sitting there listening to all the goody-two-shoes of it all. It was all very hard to stomach so I got up and left early. I didn’t care what anybody thought about my leaving. I know Christians aren’t supposed to swear, but if any of them didn’t like it, well… screw them.

*  *  *

Feeling Life Naked; With No Addictive Substances or Obsessive Behaviors

Tags

Addictions, child abuse, crisis, Family, friendship

(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )

As I’m wading through this crisis (my good friend telling me to take a hike), I’m now utterly determined not to resort to any addictions or obsessions while experiencing the pain. I seem to be going through a lot of emotional metamorphoses. I’m both deep inside them and, at the same time, (as a scientific behaviorist) observing them from without. I know that the book on this journey though crisis without the use of addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, has just gotten started. Right now I’m roller-coasting at break neck speed.  Here is what I’ve been feeling so far.

*  *  *

Co-Dependence: I Can’t Talk About It

Tags

abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, christianity, co-dependence, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, PTSD, spirituality, trauma

(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

So far, I’ve been pretty good about working on my goal of “You Shall Have No Other God’s Before Me” (the 1st commandment in the Bible). So far so good.

But a couple of days ago, I jumped the tracks. I got a little bit back into co-dependence.

Do Children Copy Their Parents Emotions?

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional abuse, Family, Father, mental illness, neglect, Parent, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, verbal abuse, violence

The first post of this series is here:   On Being A Social Outcast

I’m writing today because I don’t know what else to do right now in this addiction-free, obsession-free experiment. I’m tired. I do know that. I’m beginning to see that there’s going to be a lot of work involved in keeping my introject-father ** (the ‘father’ I still carry inside me) at peace. I need to both soothe and reward him… all…the… time… or he gets freaked out again. I don’t know if I can get rid of him altogether. I wish I could. The problem is that his personality encompasses 90% of who I am. He injected himself into me so deeply that there’s almost nothing of a ‘me’ in me. This is how it seems to be as far as I can see… so far. Maybe, one day, I’ll actually be able to be a ‘me’ and not just a ‘him’.

I’ve Accidently Unburied Something Priceless

Tags

child abuse, Family, feelings, God, Love, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )

I hope this makes some sense to those of you who are reading this. Now that I’m no longer living in the pitch blackness of addictions, I’ve had a revelation this morning of gigantic proportions.  In the bright light of day, I am seeing someone brand new that I didn’t even know existed.

Self Rewards

Tags

abstinence, Addictions, affirmations, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, Family, introjects, self-reward, trauma, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

As I said earlier, I was able to read an entire book in one day. The book was called “Telling Yourself the Truth“.

The most singular thing which stood out in this book was that of self-rewards.

The ‘Introject-Father’

Tags

abandonment, abstinence, Addiction, C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, cptsd, Family, introject, PTSD, trama, violence

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Going through this process, I’ve been thinking in metaphor a lot.

Lately, in the process of my recovery path through the minefield of no addictions or obsessions, the word ‘introject’ has been coming to my mind a great deal.  An introject is a group of personality characteristics that are infused into someone from the personality of another person.  From what I’ve read, it is quite common for children to acquire introjects of their parents. I had a real father, but I also have an ‘introject-father’. Though it may seem like they are one and the same, these are actually two very different types of entities, and so can be related to in two entirely different ways. It’s because of this difference that I’m seeing that there actually is a possibility for recovery.

The Judgmental Self

Tags

adolescent, child abuse, child self, cptsd, Family, judgmental self, PTSD, trauma

(the first post in this series is here:  On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.

Here is an article about recovering from childhood trauma that I thought was very good.

Recovery from Childhood Trauma

In the article mentioned above, this part of me, who I call the adolescent, is what the author refers to as the ‘judgmental self’.

I’ve Lost All Confidence in My Ability to Write

Tags

Anxiety, christianity, Family, God, Intimate relationship, Mental health, mental illness, Self-confidence, trauma, Writing

I haven’t been writing lately. The thing is that I have a sister who is critiquing my writing and I’m losing all my confidence because of what she’s doing. This is why I started writing on a new blog which I am keeping secret from her.

So what am I to do with my loss of self-confidence? Give my new-found fear of writing, over to God I guess. Though I don’t have a clue what He’s going to do with it.

I don’t know what to write about anymore. I seem to have utterly, utterly, lost my way with it. The lack of confidence is sticking to me like fly paper would.

That’s all I have to say for now. Perhaps any of you guys might offer me some advice this this? I’m feeling very sadly about it. I would really appreciate any outside help I can get. I think I’ll talk to my therapist about it too. See what she has to say about my problem.

 * * *

 ~~ Give all Feloreaw to Him, Our Wonderful, Loving Father ~~

.

.

My Story – Part 1

Tags

child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, trauma, violence

I’m going to publish my story in segments. I’m cutting it into segments because it’s quite a long story.

My Story – Part 2

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

HOME LIFE

Life was pretty hard in my childhood home. Both my parents were extremely paranoid and taught their children to mistrust all human beings. I was told that people would “STAB YOU IN THE BACK”  and “EAT YOU ALIVE”.  No one came to visit. Neither of my parents had any friends and we were kept in forced isolation at home for this reason.

My Story – Part 3

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

Although the abuse I suffered was difficult there is a continuum to this. Many suffered less than me of course but, in reading others’ blogs, I’ve come to the realization… there are plenty of people out there who, as children, suffered a great deal more than I did.

My Story – Part 4

Tags

C-PTSD, child abuse, complex ptsd, Family, PTSD, Sexual abuse, violence, Violence and Abuse

THE OTHER ABUSES

There was the covert sexual abuse but nothing overt that I remember…. parents walking around naked… leering… embarrassing statements made… my dad needing to ‘talk’ with me while I was taking a bath. There was no lock on the bathroom door and, besides, I couldn’t say no to him. Also, since there were no doors on the bedrooms, there was the getting dressed and undressed under the watching eyes of my father and brother.

My Story – Part 5

Tags

abuse, anti-social, Anxiety, Belief, child abuse, complex ptsd, Family, Indoctrination, Love, Mental disorder, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Truth

MOM AND DAD’s ‘BELIEF SYSTEM’

There was ritual abuse. From the time I could sit up in a chair and understand the English language… around 4 years old, I was indoctrinated into mom and dad’s system of religious beliefs.

My Story – Part 6

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, PTSD, violence

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I was never allowed to become a member of the neighborhood gang. I didn’t fit in with the other kids. I tried and tried but was a dismal failure at it.

My Story – Part 7

Tags

C-PTSD, California, child abuse, christianity, complex ptsd, Depression, Family, God, Major depressive disorder, Mental disorder, Mental health, PTSD

My Separation from the Family

Abuse can create a hugely entangled relationship between a child and their parents (for me, it was mostly with my father).  My parents convinced me that this world was a horrible place and that I should stay home at all costs. I believed them. Though it appeared on the outside that they couldn’t wait to be rid of me, I think my parents wanted me to stay with them forever. But at some point children have to leave their childhood homes; I went off to college but found myself so terrified of the world that I went crawling back to mommy and daddy again.

My Story – Part 8

Tags

abandonment, christianity, complex ptsd, Family, God, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, Prayer, PTSD, relationship, spirituality, trauma

How I Turned Out After All This

Because my parents were pretty ‘out there’ as far as religion was concerned, I have a very spotty religious internal background. My parents took us to the Unitarian church until I and my sister were about eight years old and my brother was four. Then this most liberal of protestant churches kicked us out. As I have talked about earlier, my parents had a very warped view on the spiritual, or religious, aspects of living.

One of the Definitions of a ‘Miracle’

Tags

Anger, christianity, Family, God, Mental health, Paradigm shift, paradigms, relationship, spirituality

I know there are many definitions of a miracle,
but I think this is truly one of them.

One of the definitions of a miracle is….a paradigm shift.

A Paradigm Shift is one of God’s miracles.

Because sometimes it takes God to produce that in us.

To find out what a Paradigm Shift is, Click HERE

.

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From My Journal – 3

Tags

abandonment, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, Family, journal, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, PTSD, relationship, trauma, violence

So this morning I’ve been feeling sorry for myself… feeling like an abandoned little waif. This is difficult, writing so that you might read my stuff. I want to let my hair down a bit and allow you into my world. I wear my hair in a ponytail. It’s uncomfortable to leave it hanging down. This is difficult. Impossible? I will keep trying.

What the Heck is a Paradigm Shift?

Tags

child abuse, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Mental health, mental illness, Paradigm, Paradigm shift, relationship, spirituality

Once upon a time there was a train. On this train were many passengers coming and going about their business. Some were reading their newspapers; some where furtively ‘people watching’; some were just looking out their windows at the scenery passing by.

Then a man got on the train. A man with his three little kids.

The Art of Forgiving Anyone… of Anything.

Tags

Bible, child abuse, christianity, Family, Forgiveness, God, Jesus, Love, Mental health, Prayer, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

A long time ago I read an article in a magazine. This was the way God spoke to me about my problem with my father. At the time, I was not ready for it, but it stuck with me… until I was ready.

[the magazine read thusly]

Why Must I Honor My Horrible Parents?!

Tags

child abuse, Children, christianity, Family, God, Holy Spirit, Honor your father and your mother, Mental health, Parent, PTSD, relationships, spirituality, trauma, violence

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

Deuteronomy 5:16

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.

Ephesians 6:1-3

*  *  *

Doctor Tom – The “Feeling” Specialist

Tags

abstinence, alcoholism, child abuse, christianity, compulsive overeating, Family, God, Health, inspiration, Mental health, mental illness, Overeaters Anonymous, sobriety, spirituality

I’m in an outpatient intensive program for food addiction. I’ve been going there three times a week for the last five weeks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. But I went last Monday because my husband had a small surgery scheduled during my regular Tuesday time. This is where I met Dr Tom.  I’d met him the week before because I wound up going on a Monday during that week as well. The man fascinated me. He’s into feelings…what they mean… what to learn from them… what to do with them. I think I can learn a lot from this man.