, , , , , , , , , ,

I’m reading a very good book by Peter Walker called “C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving“. (C-PTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood abuse). A couple of friends from Al-Anon told me about it and I finally picked it up and am reading it. Fascinating and horrifying at the same time. To put it mildly, it’s hot. He uses words like ‘miserable’, ‘tormenting’, ‘having little use for (a child)’, ‘routinely ridiculed’, ‘minimal nurturing’, ‘dangerous’, ‘bitter’, ‘sarcastic’, ‘parental betrayal’, etc. This man knows about C-PTSD from personal experience and 30 years of working with victims of this condition. The book also contains a lot of ‘solution’, not just description of the ‘problem’ like so many self-help books do.

So about the title of this post. I have a friend who I’ve befriended for about a year now. This is a very long friendship for me and I’m starting to get a little bit more honest with her about who I really am inside. One of the things that I have covered up about myself is my coldness; my inability to feel love for people. I keep my heart close to my chest. I don’t let myself feel much for human beings. Human beings are dangerous and can not be trusted. I learned this from the very beginning of my life when my mother refused to pick me up when I cried as an infant. I learned this because she told me one time that… she was only “following Dr Spock’s advice” (to let the baby cry so it wouldn’t become so dependent). Really, it was only an excuse for her to get out of mothering. She was an artist at heart and didn’t want to mother.

Now I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with my friend. How is she going to take this new information? She’s an Al-Anon friend and their motto is.. “We will love you until you can learn to love yourself.” Let’s see if this is true. I don’t know. So far she’s called me once and been ‘nice’ to me. Too nice it seems. Nicer then ‘normal’. Suspiciously nice I believe. Then she hasn’t returned two of my calls to her so I don’t know. Maybe she’s rethinking our relationship. I’m afraid our friendship is now on the line and that’s sad for me. I’ll miss her if she goes out of my life. Is that love? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what love is (?)

I have a twin sister and I have a ‘thing’ for her that’s unlike any other. This is love. She ‘moves’ my heart in my chest every time I interact with her. I feel this for no other person. There is no heart movement for anyone else, not even my husband. Only her. This heart movement is love I believe.

I have God in my life too and I feel nothing like love for Him either. No heart movement. I want him in my life. I need him desperately too. But there is no heart in my feelings for Him. He betrayed me when I was little. I prayed for rescue for 18 years – 6,570 days, but none came. He never answered the desperate prayers of a helpless little girl. Now all my life is about, is about recovery from that horribleness and nothing else, just recovery from it. What good is a life like that?