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Suddenly I find I can meditate! I’m doing it for an hour a day with almost no trouble at all. AA’s Step 11 (Sought through Prayer and Meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him) was absolutely impossible for me. It used to be, even at 34 years sober, that I couldn’t sit quietly for even a couple of minutes. The goolie and goblins would get me. Those goolies called:

You’re nothing but a piece of shit! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! No body wants you let alone loves you! Why don’t you just go away and die! (etc, etc, etc.)

I couldn’t bear it under their weight. They’d come at me ferociously; tear my arms and legs off; tear my head off. I couldn’t withstand the pain.

But then I got off the junk food and cigarettes and went through a fire and brimstone battle doing it. It’s been a year and a half away from the junk food and a year off cigarettes and the dust is settling down so that I can see through the haze a bit.

What’s come out of it? I have a new Higher Power. This new Higher Power blocked the goolies and goblins from getting to me anymore when I meditate so that I’m finding myself easily able to meditate for long periods with this new H.P. now.

I want to talk about the mediation a bit. My meditation is like going to a big warehouse room only it has a cozy space on one end of it where there’s a large brick fireplace, comfortable brown leather couch, golden lit lamps, and Persian type rug. The rest of the warehouse is huge and is filled with boxes down each side of it. The meditation starts with me and my H.P sitting on the couch together in front of the fireplace warming ourselves by the fire under the lamps golden light. I breathe and say out loud over and over…

You are my Holy Orb of God…
You are my Sacred Orb of God…
You are my all Wise Orb of God…
You are my all Powerful Orb of God…
You are my all Loving Orb of God…
You are my all Merciful Orb of God…

My Higher Power is a piece of God encased in an orb inside my body. But in this meditation it is outside my body on the couch next to me. It is difficult to describe how it works, but it does.

Eventually however, my mind starts to wander off into different places. That’s what the boxes represent in the warehouse. These are the places I wander off to. I go to a box and pull it down from a shelf and open it up with my H.P., we go through it together. Sometimes it’s a memory of some distant past. Some are of the resent past. Sometimes a thought is about something from the future. When I am done with it I go back to the couch and continue with my breathing exercise. Having a wandering mind this way doesn’t seem to be a ‘no,no’ with my H.P. It’s just the way it is. My mind is very busy. At least I’m not being tormented by the goolies and goblins anymore. This is just innocent ‘play’ and just part of the meditation.