, , ,

More on the ‘no addictions’ journey…

Well I’ve tried the ‘self-soothing’ thing many times before, and for many years. People have told me of it’s importance more than a few times in my life. But it never really took. Not really. I wanted to do it. It sounded like a great idea. But I only was able to do it by rote – robotic like. Needless to say, it didn’t help anything.

But it’s never been even remotely like this! This self-soothing I’m currently doing for myself has real punch, and it’s getting through deeply – deep down to the bone where it’s needed to be gotten to. Down to my traumatized infant self. And it’s working. Really, really working. I’m getting some profound benefits from doing it. It feels so good that, in fact, I’m placing a huge amount of focus on it. I almost don’t want to be doing anything else right now. I’ve been laying on my bed – wrapped up in a blanket while in my mind my mother-self (with the help of my dogs and guidance from my God fragment) is riveted to the task of holding and soothing my infant- self – for hours at a time. My God fragment warehoused the mean, ugly voices from the past (see post: HERE ) so everything’s calm and quiet.

The house is a wreck but that seems to be ok with me now that I understand what’s going on. Before this I was always riding my case about the house. But now I realize – I have to convalesce! The house be damned. I need to focus my attention on getting well. All my life I’ve been existing in shock from the trauma I experienced and it’s now fully clear how much I need to recover from that. This self-soothing is the medicine I need to get well again.

And what about this self-soothing I’m doing that’s so different than how I’ve done it in the past? It’s because I have finally seen the traumatized infant – with full clarity. I’ve seen, and see, the infant – in flesh – suffering and helpless. Laying there – so traumatized – alone and forgotten – waiting in terror for death to come. I am so filled with compassion for it – for myself – that I’ve never experienced this amount of compassion before. How can one not brim over with sorrow and compassion when being witness to a scene like that? How can one not feel so deeply that your heart hurts? Not ache to help? Well, I’ve witnessed it, and I have been given the awesome privilege of being allowed to help that severely traumatized infant. The infant who was me.

This is where I’ve gotten to… so far.