As I continue to stumble onward along this ‘no addiction’ journey…
Let Us make man-kind in Our Image.
(It says: “All Mankind” – not just Christians)
When I was made, God placed in me a piece of Himself. A ‘fragment’ of Himself if you will. Then He went along His way doing what He does. Creating things and such.
So here I am – this created being – carrying a fragment of God inside my person. It’s in me – but it isn’t ‘me’. It’s a part of me, but then – it isn’t. It’s ‘different’ then I am. I am me, and it is it. Though I sense great compassion, it doesn’t appear to have ‘personality’ or ‘character’ per se. It seems to be more evolved than that.
Anyway. ‘I’ am shaped by imperfect genes and environment (Christians call it sin) and, in my case, severely mangled and damaged by layers and layers of evil heaped upon me. However, despite all this, since I have stopped clouding my mind with addictions, I have become aware that this fragment in me has remained untouched. Throughout my life it has continued – completely whole and in tact.
This fragment He left behind in me – which is not me – has absolutely no damage done to it. It is perfect. It holds too much power in it to be damaged by anything our earth could possibly throw at it. The fragment carries all the power and wisdom of the Almighty Himself in it. The power it holds is greater than that of a mega-ton atomic bomb. It’s wisdom – wiser then that of the most wisest sages that have ever lived. Inside it is the wisdom of God Himself.
And, through this fragment, all this resides – in me.
I have a physical sensation of it’s presence. I feel it separate from myself. It’s like a translucent, opalescent orb, with a warm, vibrant, glowing star-like spark at it’s center from which all it’s power and wisdom are generated. And it’s positioned in the middle part on the left side of my body.
Since it is separate from me, this necessitates there a kind of wordless ‘communing’ between us. Like a mother communes with her new-born infant. It’s been there all my life but the addictions covered it over. Now, without the addictions to muddy things up, this communing I do with it has become clearer and clearer. My sensation of it’s presence has also become clearer and clearer.
I have come to realize that this fragment of God in me can be tapped and used as the source of all the healing needing to be done in me – that ‘me’ which has been so damaged by the experiences I’ve gone through in my life. That ‘me’ who became so powerless, helpless, hopeless, worthless, paranoid, ego-driven, bloodied and battered, by the evil Christians call sin. That ‘me’ which has been so damaged it can reach out to no one… not even God.
I’ve been existing between a rock and a hard place for a very long, long time. Between the severe mistrust of all beings (including God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit) outside myself making it impossible to reach outside myself for help, and the severe damage to my own self, making it impossible for me to fix me by myself – I’m a quintessential example of a helpless, and hopeless case. Turning to addictions to escape it all.
But all this mess and hopelessness can be circumvented through tapping into this fragment of God. I don’t need to reach outside myself for help anymore because all the help and answers I need to get well are in this orb. And I don’t need to rely on my own damaged power or wisdom. I can lean on the fragment inside me for all that. I feel completely confident in it’s ability to heal me of all the damage; of everything I’ve gone through in my life. My trauma as an infant for example (see this post: HERE). The only part I play is to not run away through addictions and stay steady following along behind, trusting the orb’s wisdom as it busies itself with my re-construction. Of this I am fully certain, through it’s power – and it’s great, great wisdom, it will easily be able to clean up the mess.
This is where I am – so far.