I continue on in my quest as an addict into the world of no addictions.
It’s been officially a year now since I put the sugar down; six months since the cigarettes. I’m digging deep into my psyche. It started out with curiosity. I’ve been desperate to know… “Through practicing all these addictions, what the heck have I been running away from so hard?” Now it’s come to take on a life of it’s own. Here’s where I now.
About a month ago, I gave out. I ran out of steam as they say. I began to have the sensation that I was walking through a very dry desert all by myself… and I didn’t care; didn’t give a lick about anything. I lost my “TRY”.
All my life I’ve been ‘TRYING’. Trying to be a better ‘everything’ than I felt I was. A better daughter, sister, student, worker. I tried to be a better… person. Later on I tried to be a better sober AA’er. I tried to work the Steps. I tried to put on a good AA face, but the whole time I’ve been sober I’ve felt I’ve been failing miserably at the program. And I’ve been a total failure at life.
Then I became a Christian.The Bible’s always been impossible for me to get into, but at least I was supposed to have a tiny bit of interaction with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Well I’ve been trying… and trying… and trying to interact… to do even that much. It’s been so hard.
All this trying to ‘connect’. It’s been a continuous up-hill battle for me. And now, without any addictions to lean on, I’ve completely run out of steam. I’ve given up trying. I can’t do it any more. Then I had the realization about my ‘Spark’ (see that post: HERE) which helped a great deal in my ability to be with myself. But before that realization, I was walking in the desert completely alone.
However, aside from my understanding about the Spark, in the midst of walking in this desert, I’ve had another realization about myself, and this is… I have a severe case of ‘Attachment Disorder‘ and R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I can’t connect to any other living being or entity – or I over-involve myself with them, then run away. Then too, because of all the awful voices in my head, I haven’t even been able to stand being with my own self. And with God too. Though I know He loves me half to death, I haven’t been able to connect to Him either without trying my guts out. It’s all been about… trying… trying… trying. So much trying. Now I’ve had to give up. Surrender. I can’t battle with this disorder any longer. So, right now, I walk in the desert.
Considering my life and how it’s gone, it should be no surprise that I’ve been suffering from this condition. But now that I finally see that I have it it’s actually a relief to know. It’s not some nebulous thing I’ve been battling. It has a name.
But, even though I’m wandering in the desert right now because of dealing with this, I still have hope. The story isn’t over yet. I don’t have a clue what’s waiting for me around the corner, but I’m completely determined… to find out. I have hope. Even though I can’t make a connection to God, there is a part of me that knows He’s not giving up on me. He never will give up on me. I feel secure in this. I just have to keep on not addicting to anything… so I can stay fully conscious of what is happening. What He’s trying to do to me to fix me of all this mess. It’s painful… stressful… very scary, but somehow I know it’s about staying conscious. I must stay awake. If I addict I will become unconscious again. And no one, not even God, can do anything… with an unconscious person.