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I’ve been so angry lately. The little girl is angry. The one who took all the abuse for the rest of us. She’s angrier than all get out. “It’s not fair”, she says about taking the excess food away. “As if trying to live in this world isn’t bad enough for me, now you have to take my food away too?!! What’s next!!? Are you going to try to get rid of me altogether!!?”

I don’t know what to do with her nor how to handle all this anger she carries. It’s a real trudging deal right now with her. I’m not going to ‘get rid’ of her. That’s for sure. She needs love – lots and lots and lots of love. Even then, I don’t know if this will satisfy her nor assuage her pain. The pain and anger seems to be pouring over the dam in hundreds of gallons. She’s boiling mad.

She’s alcoholic, bipolar, has oodles of complex-PTSD to deal with, and it seems that she has taken on more than a few of her father’s character traits so that she scares people with the result that she is in a sort of forced solitary confinement. She’s so, so, so lonely. Even our husband is afraid to engage us/her.

This is how angry she is.

The Big Book of AA says;

“We were prepared to look at it (our 4th Step inventory) from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away anymore than alcohol.

This is our course: we realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person next offended, we said to ourselves: “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”

But what about when that sick person was a parent with the power to step all over your still malleable personality? You can’t fix a sick and twisted mind with a sick and twisted mind. It was them that twisted and sickened my mind. The result?… a child with a sick and twisted mind.

I shouldn’t have made it in AA. I shouldn’t be sober 34 years. I’m too sick and twisted up to have made it sober this far. Maybe if there had been even one person who was on my side while I was growing up… just one person. There was no one to help me and I became a sick and twisted alcoholic as a result. But now AA demands that, if I am to live a life of good result, I must have pity on this person I hate… she hates. But she’s only a little girl. You can’t ‘reason’ with a little child. There has to be another way to get through to her so that she would be willing to give up all this hate.

And then there’s the ‘borrowed’ character defects, she got from the father. What is she supposed to do with those? They stick to her like gorilla glue and cause her to live in solitary confinement. She’s so lonely. We’re so lonely. It’s an absolute and total mess to deal with. I haven’t a clue about how to overcome all of this, but I really don’t think that trying to ‘think’ my way out of these immense emotions she has will fix the problem.

Only God knows how to heal me of all this anger. I don’t have a clue how to do it. Yet, there is a way I know of to connect with this God. That’s to abstain from; first of all – alcohol; and then from – overeating. It’s a very painful process to get to Him this way, but it has worked to heal me of many things so far and I’m hoping it will be the path to even more recovery.

Just don’t ‘use’… no matter what.

I don’t know if it will work, but this is the only answer I know of to get the anger out of her. She has to surrender it… somehow. This is a very ‘down and deep’ inner process, this getting inside of her to help her untwist and de-tangle the anger from around her bones and marrow.

 

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