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(the first post in this series is here:  On Being a Social Outcast  )

It feels like the noose is getting tighter. Liking myself is predicated on not junking out on any drug foods. Now this abstinence even includes abstaining from Costco frozen yogurt and doing 20 minutes exercise on the elliptical??!! I don’t know if there is a bottom to this ‘abstinence’ business.

I think it’s a need to like myself that’s giving me all the problems (?)
Learning to love the child inside that took all the abuse.

In doing some TPM ( Theophostic Prayer Ministry ) with Kathy, this picture came up that I had forgotten. It was sort of surreal but I know in my heart of hearts that it did happen.

I’m 4 years old in footie pajamas, standing in the hallway between the kitchen and the dining room. Just standing there open-mouthed, clutching a blanky. Completely baffled. Numb. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. Standing there – alone. No one to help. Something just happened to her but I don’t know what it is that brought that look to her face. Was it a beating? Was it listening to her parents scream bloody murder at each other? Was there a possibility of some sexual abuse? She’s just standing there, stock still, open-mouthed, blankly staring into space, clutching a blanky. 4 years old.

(I’m crying for her right now – a lot).

Someone in an OA meeting said this: Character defects are just survival mechanisms that don’t work anymore.

She carries all the character defects I have, in her little body. AA’s want me to throw her away because she’s ‘defective’. What a horrible thought! What a horrible thing to do to such a brave little girl! She faced the dragon for the rest of us and it twisted her all up inside. And now AA says I should just get rid of her because she’s defective?!! It’s heinous!!