(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
I want to apologize for the quality of my writing lately. Since the writing of the above post, I haven’t been getting very good sleep and, even though I’ve seen my psychiatrist three times in the last two weeks, the medication regime adjustments for the Bipolar, have not yet helped very much.
I don’t think that the AA slogan: “Uncover; Discover; Discard” is something to try to push an alcoholic, who was abused as a child, to do. Furthermore, I don’t think it is a saying that Bill and Bob would have approved of either.
I refuse to ‘discard’ a chunk of myself just because he doesn’t know any better ways of reacting to life than he does. Instead, from what I have heard from God lately, (yes hear from Him a great deal), is that I should actually be using the most loving ‘good’ part of me, to embrace and fully love, the fear and shame driven ‘defective’ part of me which AA calls my ‘character defects’. If you look at it carefully, you can see that all the defective reactions I have can actually be wrapped up in a package called a ‘little-boy-part’ of me – ie: that part that mimics my biological father. For his whole life all my father really needed was to feel securely loved and accepted. If my father had gotten some real, super-powerful love which he could trust, I’m sure he would have been able to calm down, relax, and be able to “Let Go” of trying to control everything in order to cope with his shame and terror. In the same way, if my character defective part of me (this father part) could also feel loved and accepted by the best part of me (the loving-God-connected part), this defective part would also begin to calm down as well. I can already sense that this way of addressing my character defects is helping me immensely. It comes down to simply this; my best parts fully loving and embracing my worst parts; not just trying to throw these parts of me in the trash like they were garbage. They are not garbage. They just don’t understand how to cope with life in healthy ways yet. They need to be gently encouraged and taught these things. I can now see this whole thing as clearly as if it were being shown to me in the light of the noon-day sun.
The next post in this series is here: AA: From the View of a Child-Abuse Survivor