(the first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
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More on my… ~no-addictions~ … ~no-obsessions~ … adventure.
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At last… a very short post!
About self-hatred. I have an intimate knowledge about this state of being. I’m an expert. I have studied about it extensively. I am my own subject in these studies. I have studied this aspect of the human personality… for decades… and decades.
I am a very good subject for this study. I have hated myself continuously for as far back as I can remember. Maybe five years old (?) It’s not just an average self-hate either, I don’t think, but a savage, barbaric, vicious type of hate. And there was no let up… ever. Not even for one second. It hung around my neck like a dead and rotting animal, it’s rotting corpse stunk up my life, and everyone else’s who came near me. I couldn’t ever get away from it. It stuck to me like gorilla-glue.
I’ve been in the 12 Step programs for many, many years. But I have yet to be able to do anything near a Step 11 …
Sought through prayer and meditation
to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood him,
praying only for knowledge of His will for us,
and the power to carry that out.
Now I know why.
It’s because of this vicious, savage, barbaric self-hatred that gave me not one second of relief. Not even one second… not one. Whenever I tried to ‘sit still’ the hatred was on me like a starving crocodile who hadn’t eaten in a month. It couldn’t hardly wait to take a bite out of me. Even after 34 years sober, the stress of ‘sitting still’ was impossible.
It came from the Introject which I have finally learned how to get some control over. This introject I’ve been carrying all my life (drunk and sober) is a savage creature. Sad… but savage. Now that I’ve gotten a handle on how to handle him, the ‘no-rest-for-the-weary’ is finally giving me …. some rest!
Just sitting there?
Not doing anything?
Well, I just can’t do that.
Step 11 is suddenly much easier… fun even (if you can believe that). And I am feeling some cool planetary breezes for the first time in my life. I can feel the rhythm of life going on all around me. It’s wonderful out here, you know? I feel like I’ve been living in a cavern a mile below the earth’s surface… in pitch blackness. Now I’m rising up to the sun’s light. Warm on my face. Welcoming. Saying;
We’re so glad you were able to make it.
We’re so glad you’ve come.
The next Post in this series is here: Putting It All Together – Part 1