(The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
So far, I’ve been pretty good about working on my goal of “You Shall Have No Other God’s Before Me” (the 1st commandment in the Bible). So far so good.
But a couple of days ago, I jumped the tracks. I got a little bit back into co-dependence.
To me, it seems like co-dependence is an addiction. And practicing this addiction can hurt me.
Somehow, through this addiction/obsession free journey, I’ve had a gut sense that I shouldn’t be sharing any of the pain or pleasure I’ve been experiencing through it, with any other person. Blogging about it seems to be ok, but other than that, I knew it had to be just between me and God alone. I didn’t know why.
Now I understand why.
Here is an example of a slip of co-dependence I fell into a few days ago.
The day before yesterday I shared a bunch about this ride – with my sister. After careful self-examination, I thought I was finally stable enough inside to share it with someone else. Apparently I wasn’t. The next day… horribly… the magical ride.. was completely gone.
I wanted to share this journey so much I could taste it. Practically since the day I was born, I’ve felt like my life has counted for nothing. My main goal in life has always been to feel like I’ve contributed something good to this world, to make it a better place. But so far, I’ve been utterly frustrated about reaching this goal.
But when I shared it with my sister, I went straight back into full-blown co-dependent addiction! I was trying to get praise from her by showing her how to ‘fix her problems’. One more time, I was looking to a human being to soothe the ** introject-father** again, and this pushed me straight out of ‘the groove’, which is to look only to God for any approval I need. Just like imbibing in any addiction will cause me to ‘jump the tracks’, I guess that practicing this addiction of leaning on people instead of God, even just a little bit, makes me jump the tracks of recovery too.
This is how I see co-dependence…
Co-dependence is an addiction that I use in place of my dependence on God. When I relate to people in a co-dependent way, I am shifting my dependence – from God – to other people. I’m using other people’s praise of me to soothe my introject-father, instead of getting this soothing directly from God Himself. It seems easier to turn to earthly answers (ie: people) rather than toward God. Reaching out to things in this physical world is much easier than having to reach toward the spiritual one for those answers I need. To me, looking to people for answers is like going with the ‘easier, softer way’. When you’re trying to reach for the spiritual world it takes a little more work, you have to stretch more to make this connection
(* - for a description of this, see: The Introject-Father )
But trying to get soothing from the admiration of people, will never work. People just don’t have enough power to soothe my introject-father the way he needs to be soothed to stay calm. Yesterday, I could feel his anger rising again. Getting back into the co-dependence weakened my God-connection so that it wasn’t strong enough to quell this introject. This is why I jumped the tracks of recovery. Apparently my God-muscles are still not strong enough to hold onto the connection to Him when there’s the magnetic pull of another person added to the mix.
Maybe I’ll never be strong enough to withstand the pull that co-dependence has on me. Oh well. Live and learn. This is just a bump in the road. Something to learn from. Today I’m back on track. I’ve quit sharing it with anyone other than you guys in blog-world. I don’t seem to practice co-dependence on this blog. So this has to be enough.
The next post in this series is here: This is What ‘Jumping the Tracks’ Looks Like