( The first post in this series is here: On Being a Social Outcast )
I wrote some pretty downer stuff on my last post, so I’m going to balance it out with some of the good stuff I’ve gotten so far on this addiction/obsession free journey.
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I can read a whole book in one day now. Before this, reading five pages took a supreme effort.
I don’t seem to be mad at my husband at all. In fact, I’m experiencing a lot of very calm and loving feelings toward him. Before, I used to be mad at him all the time. I’d eyeball him just to find things to pick on him about. He lost his wallet yesterday yet this didn’t seem to bother me in the least. I saw him as human and thus subject to (like me) making human mistakes. I also had a sense of God’s care-taking, in that God would somehow take care of the problem. In fact, He did. Someone found the wallet on the street and called us. Nothing but the little bit of cash was missing. Everything else was in tact.
I’m still a lousy housekeeper. I don’t do a lot around the house. But now I don’t feel so weighed down by them when I do do them. They seem to be simple and easy. I do each chore slowly and deliberately and I don’t seem to mind doing them in the least. I’m staying ‘in the moment’ fairly easily.
“Things” that don’t cooperate (ie: spilled milk and the like) don’t seem to get to me in the least anymore. I’m not feeling so ‘sucked in’. I have a sense of being distanced from the things that happen in everyday life. I seem to be taking everything ‘wrong’ that comes my way, with grace.
Although I’m not completely beyond it, I’m not nearly as worried about what others may be thinking of me. Before this, I was constantly paranoid, sure that I made everyone who came near me uncomfortable and upset.
I’m not constantly on my back for being a lousy housekeeper like I used to be… all… the… time. I loathed myself because of not being a good cleaner or cook. This seems to be ok with me now.
I’m not loathing myself anymore. Self-loathing used to be my constant companion. I was as viciously on my own back as much as I was on my husband’s.
I’m learning what it really means – to turn my life wholly and completely over to God. I am fully trusting Him in that I don’t have the faintest clue what’s going to happen to me next, or where I’ll be emotionally, tomorrow.
The next post in this series is here: A Brutally Honest e-mail I Sent to my AA Friend