(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )
Just a warning. This is a very dramatic exposé. I’m going out to the edges on this one. But there has been a lot of drama, and I had to write it the way it happened. I’m also sorry it’s such a long read, but I made it as short as I could without leaving out anything important to the story.
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I haven’t realized it until now, but I’ve been on this Space Mountain ride for a very long time. 34 years to be precise. I’ve been riding on it ever since I put down my primary addiction… alcohol. I’d been on the ride all this time, but before last August, while I was still substituting other addictive substances and obsessive behaviors for the alcohol, it’s been moving at a stomachable pace. But then, last August when I put down the junk food, the ride began to speed up a bit. Then, when the cigarettes went, about five months ago, the ride started to go even faster. But when I came face-to-face with my best friend telling me to take a hike and I decided to deal with the pain without the use of any addictive substances or obsessive behaviors, my Space Mountain ride took off like a shot. I don’t think it could have gone any faster. I’ve been hanging on for dear life.
While going at break-neck speed, I suddenly saw, in fullest glory, a raging introject in me, which was mimicking my insane maniac father. If you haven’t already read about my experience with this introject-father, it’s on this post here: The Introject
Thirty Two years earlier on the ride, at two years sober, I was (gently) slammed by God’s supernaturally powerful love. Through this experience, I came to a deep, deep understanding of what it was to be Loved with absolutely no conditions. I wrote about how I got to this place in a six part post which starts here: How I Was Introduced to God
As I look back from where I am standing now, having these two momentous experiences – being introduced to the introject-father and also to have the experience of being in the center of God’s perfect Love – has proved indispensable in my healing process.
The introject-father inside me has been the source of the vile and evil cruelty continuously inflicted on the rest of my personage. It’s been like the hell of war in there. For as far back as I can remember, the introject-father has been spitting acidic venom with not even a single second of let up. The venom created emotional sore upon sore with no space or time to get away for healing. Life has been nothing but misery for me.
Then, the climax happened on this ride. I was thinking that, by giving up all my addictions and obsessions, the introject-father would run away from feeling the pain of it’s own venom…. which it did.
But it didn’t stay away for long.
Even though it was feeling all the pain from what it was doing to the rest of me, this introject-father was not going to be squelched for good. After a few days of freedom from it, I began to feel it’s ugly head beginning to rise again. It was actually willing to brave the acid just so that it could continue it’s unrelenting quest to annihilate me.
When I realized it was determined to return, I was gripped with terror. Beyond terrified. There was so much fear that it began to affect me physically. I got a charlie horse in my stomach that doubled me over with pain.
I didn’t know what to do. I’d been free of this venom spewing introject-father for a few days, but now I felt myself being forcefully pulled back to the slavery of it’s cruel lash again. Wringing my hands, terrified, I wrestled within myself.
What can I do!! What can be done!!
It can’t come back! I can’t let it back into my life again!
I can’t deal with that much pain and fear again!
Then, out of the blue, God stepped in and told me what to do. And it was magic. He told me to…
Let Me Love him.
Suddenly, inside, I felt this… ‘click’…. An honest to goodness… ‘click’. And I sensed something momentous had happened inside me. God brought Soothing Love, and clicked it up to the introject-father. Like hooking up two wires across a great cavern.
God’s Soothing Love >>> CLICK >>> the introject-father.
Then, to my utter amazement, like a mother soothing and cooing to her new born infant, God began to soothe it! And then… even more amazingly…
The Introject-father began to calm down!!
All it needed was to have it’s huge amount of fear calmed down.
It’s ok. You’re safe with me.
Everything’s going to be ok.
Then, as I watched, as nice as you please, all the other little echoing introjects, of all the other people who echoed my fathers view of me, began lining up to follow behind. I can’t tell you how magical the whole scene going on inside me, was to watch. All my inward parts just began lining up, each one waiting their turn to get bathed in a warm bath of God’s soothing Love. Each one getting their turn to drink it in, and so be filled, comforted, and satisfied.
I think I’m through the worst part of Space Mountain. I’m suddenly feeling like I’m in a new land. The war is over and I’m in a land of peace and plenty. A land of soothing Love. I’m sure many of you are already here; maybe even taking this place for granted. But I’ve never ever experienced a place like this before. All I’ve ever known was a land of spit and venom. Now introject-father is satisfied – and there is peace. God’s perfect, soothing, Love has brought peace.
And God has been saying it in His word all along….
Do not overcome evil with evil. Overcome evil… with good.
So where am I off to next on my Space Mountain ride? I haven’t a clue. But I’m determined now more than ever, to hang on. This ride is hairy, but it is also sublimely marvelous. For the record I’ve always loved roller coasters, but this one takes the cake.
The next post in this series is here: To Sum Up So Far