(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )
There is a link at the bottom of this post
that will take you to the next post in this series.
Here I go, morphing again. I feel like I’m riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland. The Matterhorn is a roller-coaster that you ride in complete darkness. You can’t see anything so you don’t know what’s coming next. This is how I’ve been feeling since the beginning of going through this crisis (my best friend telling me to shove off with no explanation) without running to any addiction of any kind; either substance or behavior.
I’ve been in AA for 34 years and I’ve been sober all that time. But I don’t trust AAer’s anymore. At least not right now on this Matterhorn ride to recovery. I’ve never been very successful at working the Steps like all the other AAer’s and I’ve had virtually no sponsees in all that time either. About the only thing I’ve done right in AA, is not drink… no matter what! This I have done for 34 years now. Many times it’s been a harrowing experience to not drink no matter what. Terrifyingly, stress-fully, painful, sometimes for very long periods of time too.
But right now, I’m raw, and I don’t trust AAer’s not to try to step all over me. To me they all want to put me into an AA box. One wrench to fit all nuts. I don’t trust that any of them really want to know me very deeply. They want to push callous platitudes my way so that I’ll shape up and fly right. I think it’s so they won’t have to deal with another’s pain. So they won’t have to deal with their own pain. They condescendingly inquire; “What Step are you working?” and shit like that.
Well what I’m involved in right now is way beyond working the Steps. The founder of AA, Bill Wilson, smoked like a fucking chimney. I think that most of AAer’s have resorted to other addictions to cope with inner turmoil. I know there are some that don’t, but I doubt that any of them who have been twisted up by child abuse like I have, can say they haven’t addicted to something else now that the alcohol is gone.
I don’t trust AAer’s as far as I can throw ’em.
The next post in this series starts here: A Trip On Space Mountain