(the first post in this series is here: On Being A Social Outcast )
This is a continuation post about my experiences facing crisis without resorting to any addictive substances or obsessive behaviors I’ve always run to, to escape the emotional pain life crises like this one, have brought me.
With lightening speed, I’ve come to a new place in the process. A new light is beginning to shine through in a very interesting way.
Last night I went with my husband to listen to some music. A friend of his invited him to go and he wanted me to go with him. In the past I’ve almost always said no to these requests – the music of today isn’t really my thing, it’s so boring. But because of where I was in this emotional process, I thought it would be good to be a ‘help-mate’ to my husband, so I said I’d go. What I’ve gleaned from this process so far is that I’m not on this planet to be liked. I’ve been put here to be of service. So one way I thought of to do this was to be some company for my husband.
However, it turned out that my husband’s friend liked to stand in the front row to the stage and my husband wanted to stand with him. The music was deafening so that I just couldn’t be that close , so I went to the back of the room to listen. While sitting in the back of the room by myself, I had this epiphany.
“I like you.”
All my life I’ve endured two warring fragments within myself. I’ve hated myself with a hatred I can only describe as savage. Because of what I’ve been through, I am thoroughly fragmented with one part utterly hating another part. In fact, I’ve tried to attempt suicide just so that the one part of me could watch the other part die.
So far, the reason for this feud has eluded me. All I knew was that, inside me, there was extreme pain. It’s been like the hell of war going on between my ears. Although it was by choice, the smell of solitariness still brought a huge amount of PTSD flash-back from the past, to the surface again. As I was sitting there last night, all by myself, a clear picture of the feud showed it’s face to me. My adolescent self has been at war with my little girl self. All from having been rejected by everyone I came in contact with, including every member of my family.
All my life, the adolescent has been trying desperately to fit into a group of people – any group – but this has never happened. Just like last night, as I sat by myself, I felt acutely the human race’s rejection of me, and the adolescent part of me has been blaming my little girl part as the culprit for this problem.
What do they think of me?! What do they think of me?!
They all hate me!
Yeah, They do, and it’s all your fault!!!
My hugely stubborn, fearful adolescent self has been focusing all it’s effort, energy, and attention into trying to be liked, and blaming the utter failure on my little girl who she saw as the germ of all this rejection. She’s been blaming the little girl because of seeing her rejected by all the other members of her family and then carrying on to the world at large. The adolescent was convinced that the little girl was horribly defective, and that this was why she was so ostracized by others. And so, the verdict?… She ~the little girl~ must die.
But, as I was once again sitting there alone… mind you, with no addictions or obsessions to keep gas in the engine… I became aware that there was something very different going on inside me. A truce was in the making. My adolescent put down the knife she’s been using to gut the little girl. The sensation was so strong I could feel it physically. It was a sense of deep down physical relaxation. Very deep down inside I could hear the adolescent part telling the little girl; “You’re OK”. Clear as a bell, I could her say; “I like you kid. You’re ok.” The hatred my adolescent had been so violently venting had finally, finally, finally… ended. There was a peace. I was finally on my own side.
Has this been the boogie man I’ve been running from all these years? This raging blame and self hate because I never fit in? I don’t know if the process is through yet, though I suspect it isn’t. But I think I’ve uncovered a huge amount of what’s been so distressing.
The thing is… because of enduring all this pain… the adolescent has given up. She’s finally said Uncle to the scrambling for popularity. She’s in the process of accepting her place in this world. I deeply believe in God and His Love for me… all of me… so that I know I ‘fit in’ to His heaven (see: My Testimony). But in this world? Last night, sitting by myself as usual, my adolescent self came to a full acceptance that fitting in here on earth… for her… was just not to be. She came to a graceful acceptance. For some reason, for her, the Big Man Upstairs wanted it to be this way. So, if this is the way it’s to be, then there must be a good reason for it. It’s not about being singled out for punishment, but that God has a good plan for her. I don’t know what His plan entails, but winning a popularity contest is apparently not part of that plan. She’s beginning to see the light of day. It’s nobody’s fault, but just a part of God’s plan. This is the way it’s supposed to be for her…. and if God thinks it’s ok… then it must be ok. And she must be… ok too.
I have been aware, on an intellectual level, that there was nothing I did as a child, nor anything I could have done, which would have allowed me to become a part of my family. My father hated me from the moment of my birth, so how could I have done anything wrong to deserve what I got from him, or from the others?
But when it came to my adolescent self, intellectual levels just won’t cut the mustard. Since when does any adolescent pay attention to adult’s reasoning? Sure, they may pay lip-service, but in their hearts… they know they know… best.
My adolescent made up her own mind. She knew what was right. And this was what my adolescent self was positively sure of…. the problem lay with the little girl. The little girl must be doing something terribly bad to make the whole world reject them (ie: me). It’s my belief that the only thing that could have gotten through to my adolescent self… to make her change her tune… was have to face the agonizing pain of her own choices. My adolescent-introject ** is no longer able to shield herself through addictions and obsession anymore. Stopping the use of all addictive substances and obsessive behaviors, dismantled her shield which used to protect her from all the pain she was inflicting on the rest of the ~group~. ++
For more information about the 'introject' please refer to these posts: The Introject Father and More About the Introject
I didn’t know any of this before, but it is as clear as day to me now. The pain I’ve gotten by not running to anything addictive, is helping my adolescent self to grow up.
My sister calls this process ‘personality integration’. Parts of me have grown up, but because of using addictive substances and obsessive behaviors to assuage pain, other parts of me (especially my adolescent self) have been left behind in the growth process.
This journey is definitely not over yet. We’ll see where I go from here. So far, I’ve been fully determined, with all the adult self I possess, not to run to addictions to assuage all this agony. Not to run away from what’s happening inside.
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++ I know this sounds very D.I.D. (dissociative identity disorder), which, in fact, is a condition I know I have. Like Sybil, in the movie with Sally Fields, I got ‘caught’ doing it one day. I’d totally lost a week and someone caught me doing it. This is how I found out I had D.I.D. — But that’s a story for another post I have yet to write.
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The next post in this series starts here: The Judgmental Self