I don’t expect anyone to read this. I’m having a terrible time expressing myself lately. My writing has gone to shit for some reason and I don’t know why. But I’m going to take a stab at it anyway. This post is about what life’s been like for me and what I’ve made of it so far.
These are some of the burdens I’ve carried:
Extreme alcoholism, addictions to food, caffeine, nicotine, and men, a chronic case of ulcerative colitis, bipolar disorder and having to abort a baby because I had to take bipolar drugs, being friendless all my life, enduring ridicule and rejection by my peers, having to deal with extreme hatred by my father with no idea why, and that resulted in brutal physical, mental, and emotional abuse by him, disgust from my mother, rejection by both my siblings (including a twin sister), an attack and rape I was sure I would not live though. There were no friends, no adults, no family to help me with any of this. I shouldered it all by myself. Of love I had no experience what-so-ever. My life was one of survival and nothing else.
Because of all this, I deal with copious amounts of PTSD, self-ridicule, shame, and disconnected anxiety and fear. I became so severely depressed and suicidal that I’ve attempted, several times, to kill myself.
It’s been a rocky, hard road and quite a struggle to climb. It’s still arduous, thorny … and steep. I tried the suicide route to get off it, but apparently God wanted me to stay the course although I can’t see the point of it. He interrupted all my suicide attempts until one day I knew I had no other choice. One step after another, I had to continue to climb, making the best of it I could. Eventually I stopped resistance to it. Now I’m just trying the best I can to embrace the lot I’ve been given. If this is to be my lot then what good can I find in it? This is what I’ve come up with so far…
It’s getting better. I can see some forward progress.
Things began to look up when I stopped the alcohol – determined never to pick it up again. In the arduous process of doing this, I met Christ who gave me the gift of the Holy Spirit and the experience of Love for the first time in my life. His Love has enabled me to deal with many other addictions; being a willing victim of male sex abuse, using sugar/flour products and cigarettes. He’s catapulted me to freedom from the suicide obsession and the disconnected anxiety. I was given the power to forgive my parents, including my father. This is just a smattering of what God has done to help me along the difficult journey.
I was forced out of atheism and into the loving arms of Christ. My character has deepened so that I have enough inner strength to walk through almost any pain without resorting to earthly measures to alleviate it. I know that all my answers come from above and I do my best to reach in that direction. I’ve learned to deeply depend upon God. All day long I listen intently for His voice. I do this because I’m utterly miserable if I don’t.
So much of me is broken inside that I know I’m unable to fix my problems by myself. When I’m hurting I usually don’t even know what’s wrong. I have come to trust Him completely to “fix me however I need to be fixed.” This trust has come from having an abundance of super-natural healing so far, by His hand.
Enduring through these trials seems to be all I have to bring to this world so far. From my experience I can amply bring this truth.
God can and will… heal… anyone… of anything.
Provided they bring their broken selves to Him,
and allow Him to do His work on them.