Tags
abstinence, Anxiety, child abuse, complex ptsd, Defence mechanism, Delusion, God, Holy Spirit, Psychology, Psychosis, PTSD, relationship, trauma, Twilight Zone, violence
Remember, I said I was going to write with complete abandon on this blog? Well this is one of those times. I’ve written this post entirely uncensored. I have written this with utter abandon.
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This is a layman’s definition of Distortion and Delusional Projection that I got from this web-site… HERE
Level 1 Defense Mechanisms – Almost always pathological; for the user these three defenses permit someone to rearrange external reality for the beholder, the users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy or insane. These are the “psychotic” defenses, common in overt psychosis, in dreams, and throughout childhood. They include:
Distortion – a gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Delusional Projection – frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
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I swear, I’ve been doing delusional projection all my life and have coped with it using copious amounts of alcohol and then junk food after I got sober. Now I’m off the junk food (75 days worth so far) and this projection has shown it’s ugly head in a severe way on two separate occasions.
The first time was during a “Woman’s Weekend” for my church and the second time, (which I will talk about in more detail in another post) was yesterday when I inadvertently said something in my AA group that I was ‘sure’ made everyone in the room uncomfortable and upset.
The second day of the woman’s weekend turned into a nightmare of delusional projection. I didn’t know anyone at the retreat except the girl I came with. All I can say is “Thank You God” that she came with me or I know I would have blown apart into a million pieces from terror, and be carted away in an ambulance, in a scene of utter humiliation. I felt like I was having a daymare. I felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone.
I don’t know exactly how I came to get to the terror state. Perhaps it was because I felt I had run out of things to talk to people about. I can never just be myself around people. I always have to be a ‘nice person’, which I don’t, in my innermost opinion, think I am. In my childhood all the other people around me were constantly telling me to go away. I have never found out why, even to this day.
The projection went like this…
As I got more and more terrifyingly ‘weird’ it seemed to me that a spotlight was being pointed directly in my direction so that my discomfort became extremely ‘visible’ to all the other women around me. Eventually I became the influence for the atmosphere of the weekend. They were all bouncing off of my weirdness and thusly began feeling the same discomfort I was feeling. It was a nightmare of ultimate proportion.
But there was a light, although a very dim one, in my heart (the Spirit of Wisdom) that kept whispering to me that this was just a dream and not reality. I could hear the voice of this wisdom (I believe it to be the Holy Spirit of God) but I was not able to follow it back to sanity. The Spirit told me “This is a delusion.” but I absolutely could not shake it off and find my way back to reality.
So there it is. I feel like finally getting off the junk food (it took 33 years of sobriety to even attempt it) has allowed my true psychotic thinking to come to the light in all it’s living color.
I swear, I got this stuff from my father, who I believe was a true projector if ever there was one.
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Dissociation is the issue, we create our ego from old memories woven together as “I”.
With the ability, mindfulness, to focus on the breath, lets you observe these projections, thoughts filled with emotion from a distance.
Become aware of the breath and this moment throughout the day.
Training the mind to let to of that crap starts healing. Takes daily practice but you can heal and forget about dad,or childhood
Good healing
Why do you think it’s dissociation and not projection? What do you see as the difference? One time I got ‘caught’ after I’d lost a whole week. It was totally spooky and terribly frightening. I’d call this dissociation. Maybe you call it something else?
Projection or dissociation, both you are lost in thought, giving attention to negative input, maybe even trauma.
It does not matter what you call it, label it, it heals the same way.
You will heal when you stop bringing attention to your trauma, dissociation or projection.
You reinforce your trauma and projection by giving power and time in your consciousness to .thought and emotions and healing will arrive.
You have to get out of the weeds and handling your trauma and thinking about it, without a therapist to integrate all that you bring up.
You will heal not giving attention, spending time grasping at trauma, emotion or thought.
An emotion can last as little as eight seconds without attention. Work on this