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Remember, I said I was going to write with complete abandon on this blog? Well this is one of those times. I’ve written this post entirely uncensored. I have written this with utter abandon.

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This is a laymans definition of Distortion and Delusional Projection that I got from this web-site HERE

Level 1 Defense Mechanisms – Almost always pathological; for the user these three defenses permit someone to rearrange external reality for the beholder, the users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy or insane. These are the “psychotic” defenses, common in overt psychosis, in dreams, and throughout childhood. They include:

Distortion – a gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.

Delusional Projection – frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.

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I swear, Ive been doing delusional projection all my life and have coped with it using copious amounts of alcohol and then junk food after I got sober. Now Im off the junk food (75 days worth so far) and this projection has shown its ugly head in a severe way on two separate occasions.

The first time was during a Womans Weekend for my church and the second time, (which I will talk about in more detail in another post) was yesterday when I inadvertently said something in my AA group that I was sure made everyone in the room uncomfortable and upset.

The second day of the womans weekend turned into a nightmare of delusional projection. I didnt know anyone at the retreat except the girl I came with. All I can say is Thank You God that she came with me or I know I would have blown apart into a million pieces from terror, and be carted away in an ambulance, in a scene of utter humiliation. I felt like I was having a daymare. I felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone.

I dont know exactly how I came to get to the terror state. Perhaps it was because I felt I had run out of things to talk to people about. I can never just be myself around people. I always have to be a nice person, which I dont, in my innermost opinion, think I am. In my childhood all the other people around me were constantly telling me to go away. I have never found out why, even to this day.

The projection went like this

As I got more and more terrifyingly weird it seemed to me that a spotlight was being pointed directly in my direction so that my discomfort became extremely visible to all the other women around me. Eventually I became the influence for the atmosphere of the weekend. They were all bouncing off of my weirdness and thusly began feeling the same discomfort I was feeling. It was a nightmare of ultimate proportion.

But there was a light, although a very dim one, in my heart (the Spirit of Wisdom) that kept whispering to me that this was just a dream and not reality. I could hear the voice of this wisdom (I believe it to be the Holy Spirit of God) but I was not able to follow it back to sanity. The Spirit told me “This is a delusion.” but I absolutely could not shake it off and find my way back to reality.

So there it is. I feel like finally getting off the junk food (it took 33 years of sobriety to even attempt it) has allowed my true psychotic thinking to come to the light in all its living color.

I swear, I got this stuff from my father, who I believe was a true projector if ever there was one.