So this morning I’ve been feeling sorry for myself… feeling like an abandoned little waif. This is difficult, writing so that you might read my stuff. I want to let my hair down a bit and allow you into my world. I wear my hair in a ponytail. It’s uncomfortable to leave it hanging down. This is difficult. Impossible? I will keep trying.
I want to cry this morning but I can’t. I think I’m coming down with an ulcer. My stomach area just below my rib cage feels waves of soft pain and pressure. Is this what other bloggers I read call being ‘triggered’? Maybe. I guess. I don’t know.
I think I’ve lost my sponsor in OA. I call her everyday but she hasn’t called me back in over a week. I don’t know what is going on. It’s probably me. This morning I feel sick. I can’t do the abstinence without someone to walk beside me. It’s just too hard to go at it alone. Taking my cake away is insanely hard. I have no real friends of the human variety. I’ve never really had any of these kind. Cake was my friend and now my friend is gone… I am alone.
Writing my heart this way is so scary. What if you judge me and find me lacking, and abandon me because I’m not worth spending effort on? Being abandoned. This is something I’ve had to deal with my whole life. From the time of my birth I’ve been abandoned. From the moment of my birth I was found lacking and (while not physically) emotionally abandoned… abused. In my fathers’ eyes I’ve always been the hated mother-in-law… Stella. What can a person do with that? I wasn’t Stella but to all intents and purposes, in my fathers’ eyes, I was… and she was bad news.
Am I ‘bad news’? I’m beginning to wonder if I am. No one seems to like me and I don’t know why. My stomach hurts…. and hurts… and hurts.