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So this morning Ive been feeling sorry for myself… feeling like an abandoned little waif. This is difficult, writing so that you might read my stuff. I want to let my hair down a bit and allow you into my world. I wear my hair in a ponytail. It’s uncomfortable to leave it hanging down. This is difficult. Impossible? I will keep trying.

I want to cry this morning but I can’t. I think I’m coming down with an ulcer. My stomach area just below my rib cage feels waves of soft pain and pressure. Is this what other bloggers I read call being ‘triggered’? Maybe. I guess. I don’t know.

I think Ive lost my sponsor in OA. I call her everyday but she hasnt called me back in over a week. I dont know what is going on. Its probably me. This morning I feel sick. I cant do the abstinence without someone to walk beside me. Its just too hard to go at it alone. Taking my cake away is insanely hard. I have no real friends of the human variety. Ive never really had any of these kind. Cake was my friend and now my friend is gone… I am alone.

Writing my heart this way is so scary. What if you judge me and find me lacking, and abandon me because Im not worth spending effort on? Being abandoned. This is something Ive had to deal with my whole life. From the time of my birth Ive been abandoned. From the moment of my birth I was found lacking and (while not physically) emotionally abandoned… abused. In my fathers eyes Ive always been the hated mother-in-law Stella. What can a person do with that? I wasnt Stella but to all intents and purposes, in my fathers eyes, I was and she was bad news.

Am I bad news? Im beginning to wonder if I am. No one seems to like me and I dont know why. My stomach hurts…. and hurts… and hurts.