abstinence, anti-social, child abuse, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, complex ptsd, compulsive overeating, God, Health, journaling, Mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, Sadness, trauma
I feel so, so sad these last few days. My eyes look dead to me in the mirror. Life is sad. The days go by and nothing happens in them. I feel like I should cry but I can’t cry.
I’m meeting with a new therapist for the first time. I still don’t think anybody likes me and it’s been that way my whole life. Why would anyone like such a sad person? This just makes me sadder still. I have no answers. I can’t think of anything positive to say today. Abstinence is all there is right now. Just day after day after day with no junk food to soften my feeling of sadness. Besides the C-PTSD I’m also bipolar. Maybe sad just comes with the territory. I don’t want to come out and let the world know the real me… because the real me is so sad. I’ve been told by other OA people that I must not run from my feelings. So I’m trying very hard to just sit with this feeling of sadness. I don’t know where it’s coming from. It could be coming from my lost child-hood. It could be coming from not having my best friend (junk food) with me anymore… like the death of a friend. It could be that I’m not getting anything from life that I think I want. But what do I want from life? I wish I’d win the Lottery. I wish I were rich so I could be doing things like traveling around the country in a motor home. So I could help my ill sister-in-law so she could stop working. So I could help my pastor get back on his feet with the pastoral counseling. We were able to help his wife with a basic training kit for Theophostic Prayer counseling. That was nice. It was only $250 but I was grateful I could help her.