For further information on this subject, please read:
You Can Be Healed from the Guilt of an Abortion

*  *  *

Before I go any further, I want to say that I think that all women should FIRST talk to someone who has had a difficult  time after going through an abortion, BEFORE deciding on this option to deal with a pregnancy. Not all women suffer from going through it, but some women, after they abort, find themselves dealing with tremendous amounts of guilt. This may, or my not, apply to you.

If there is no one like this who you can talk to, then I hope reading my experience with this will be sufficient before making the decision.

< Forewarned is forearmed >

If you know you have a difficult time killing things, like I do (I feel guilty even killing ants), or have a motherly instinct (I want to feed every little creature that comes into my life), you might seriously consider adoption and not abortion.

Mine is a story of being healed from the reaction to committing a dreadful act. But there is a warning here however. This healing can only be handed out once. Aborting the first time is a mistake done in terrible ignorance. But to abort again? Well, one is on one’s own.

*  *  *

In 1989 I got pregnant.

In the beginning I thought it was the flu – until I made huevos-rancheros and wound up wanting only the egg yoke and salsa. It felt like a craving and I got suspicious. I went in for the test and it turned up positive – I was pregnant.

My husband and I were married only six months at the time and it was his baby, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I went completely off my rocker. I felt flu-ish and had this horrible sense I was carrying an alien trying to suck the life out of me. I’d seen the movie “Alien” where human’s were captured and used to gestate alien babies. To say I was not handling being pregnant very well would be an understatement. I chose to abort. My husband was totally with me no matter which way I decided. He was very loving and kind about it. “Which ever way you decide dear, I’m with you” he told me.

So I had the abortion and I thought…

“Good! That’s the end of that. No more worries.”

But that’s not what happened to me.

After the initial relief I began to get a nagging sensation deep in my gut. It grew and grew until it was shouting at me…

“You are a baby killer.
You murdered an innocent infant…
just for the crime of wanting to live.”

The incessant accusing voice dug at my gut.

“Baby killer, Infant murderer.”

A never-ending loop swirling around and around in my head.

I flagellated myself.

“Baby killer! Baby killer!”

In between these horrible guilt sessions toward myself I started eye-balling my husband. Though he was willing for me to have the child, I went after him anyway….

“He let you do it. He’s just as guilty as you are.” 

Back and forth, back and forth I went; first me then him, then back to me again. The guilt was driving me insane.

After a very long nine or ten months of this horribleness, God came to my rescue in the form of my husband’s therapist. She was getting the brunt of the pain I was inflicting on him. So finally, she asked him if I would be willing to come see her about it. I was eating myself alive. I consented to going.

What happened next is the most important  part of this story.  Though I had the abortion, God still loved me, and helped me by providing for me…

a miracle.

The therapist asked if I would be willing to be hypnotized. I was willing to try anything that might help, so I said ok.

This is what happened.

*  *  *

She had me lay down on her couch. Then she said; “We’re going to go into an elevator and go down to the bottom of it.” Then slowly counting each floor, from ten down to one. Then she said; “When the elevator door opens you’ll be in a very beautiful  meadow with a large tree in the center of it. On the other side of the meadow is the baby being at the age of a child who can understand language.”

Surprisingly, this wasn’t hard to picture. Apparently I had already put a more advanced age to my unborn fetus. In my mind’s eye he had already become a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy of about 4 years old. Then she said:  “Meet your child in the middle of the meadow under the tree and talk to him”.

I don’t know if she talked any further. I was really out of it. All track of time was gone. However, I remember exactly what happened between this child and me and, although twenty years have passed, I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. It all came down to what 12 Step programs call… doing a “9th Step”.

In 12 Step programs that help people recover from addictions of all kinds, the 9th Step of these 12 Steps goes like this:

“Made Amends to such people where ever possible… “

If I had to put it in a nut shell this is what transpired between me and my child. I helped him climb onto a low slinging tree limb so he was sitting just a little bit higher than me; then I let him rip me… up one side and down the other.

I let him rip me and ream me and get all his anger out toward me. I did not argue with him, I only apologized… and apologized… and apologized some more. Boy was he was mad! He wanted to be born to have the experience of a mother’s love.

But I could have never given him the mother-love he so very much wanted. My own childhood had me so twisted that I did not have the capacity to love children. I was terrified of kids. They can be so brutally honest. Children sense my different-ness. They would say to me right out loud…

“Your weird!”

Then run away and hide behind their mothers.

Besides making only a short explanation of how I could never have given him the mother-love he wanted, this is all I said…   “I’m so, so sorry”, and “I wish I had never done that to you.” I made these types of apologies over and over again, all the while allowing him to vent on me.

Finally he got to the end of his anger and began to cry. Actually we both began to cry. Then he got down from the branch and started off toward his end of the meadow. I got back in the elevator and came back up to the real world.

*  *  *

I have been cleared of all guilt since then, and it has never returned.

*  *  *

This miracle can only be handed out once however. Aborting the first time is a mistake, but to abort again… one is on one’s own. Right after that I had my tubes tied. I would never go through that experience again. After this happened I knew I could not handle pregnancy so that was truly the end of it.

How do I feel about not having any children? Totally relieved. I was blessed with not having a biological clock harassing me and I do not regret for one moment that I have no children. God put it in my heart I could have a fulfilling life in spite of not having the experience of little ones. God told me; “In life everyone gets to order from the Chinese menu. You can have something from column “A” or something from column “B” but you will always get fed no matter from which column you choose.” I am having the experience of a life to suit myself and my husband, while others are having the experience of a life with children in it.

This experience… being cleansed from such a terrible guilt… was extraordinary. I have never heard of anyone who has gone through a ‘clearing’ process like this. God is always with me. He granted me a gosh darn miracle! And I believe He will do the same for anybody who has aborted and is willing to take this journey.

*  *  *

For further information on this subject, please read:
You Can Be Healed from the Guilt of an Abortion